Varieties.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2185, 10 July 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Varieties.

A Biack Art. —Coal-hewing. Fact for Scoi'chman. — Every bonnet has a "b"' in it. Thk Thai ior E\ri:orKi> to he Loyal to Both Sii)K->.— The arbitrator. Ir im good to ha\ c the brain packed full of images from tho wealthy past. — Winthrop. An American lady's idea of a ballet-girl is "an open muslin umbrella with two pink handle"." Why are cobblers eligible for medical diplomas ?--Because they are skillful in tho art of healing. Peoi'LK who (Jknkuali.y Luiouii undeb THK IMI'KKSSION THAT THB WoKLI) MoVHS. — Tipsy folks. Mrs discover with bitterness that nature continue* to use the scourge long after they have reformed. — Winthrop. Choo>k always the way that seems beat, however rough it may be. Custom will render it en«.y and agreeable. No man knows the state of another ; it in always to some more or le->s imaginary man that the wisest and most honest ia apeak- fi ing. It shock* me to think how much mischief almost every man may do, who will but resolve tod'»all he can.— Sterne. (tod hath given t'> man a short time here upon earth, and yet upon this short time eternity depends.— Jeremy Taylor. Vacji'K.— At the Eo-.ldgic.d Gardens. She : "If the linn were to bieak out, which would you save first— tho children or me?'* He: "Me." A.M>ii>rrNGUisHEi) French dramatist explains why he never goes to any "first nights " of pieces written by his confreres. He says that when they are bad they bore him, and that when they are good they nuke him savage. "Mamma," said a little girl, "if you'll let me buy some sugar-candy, I'll be so good?" "My dear," solemnly responded the mother, "you should not be good for pjy." "Why, rn.imm.i," exclaimed the child, " you wouldn't like me to be good for nothing !" An evcited Irishman who was declaiming ab'>ut jiiNtici to Ii eland was asked by a Lindon friend, " What i^ it leally that you tnd your countrymen want?" He replied, '" We do not know what we want, sir ; but, by the powers, we aie determined to have it ! " "That's strange." muttered Mr Dobbin, as he laid away his newspaper. "What's strange?" asked his good wife, making him get up while she dusted the chair under him. " Why, the Mikado (if Japan never wears a garment that has been washed." " The. dirty heathen," said Mrs Dobbin. > Lrcamui try faithfully, manfully to be right, he will giow daily more and more light. It is at bottom the condition on winch all men have to cultivate themselven. Our very walking is an incessant falling, and a catching of nur-ulves before we come actually to the pavement. It is emblematic of ail things a man does. A >(HV(i wife h.us written to the Society fur the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals to know whether something cjnnot up, done to prevent the scratching of hoi-e^. She is sure it must be voiy piiuful, or why should her husband so frequently groan in his sleep ab.mt a horse being scratched V A lady, who had just returned fiom her first visit to Italy, was asked by a friend 1 low she had been ple.i-.ed with Venice. " Oh, very well on the, whole !" she replied. " But ther^ was <me drawback. We bad Mie uusfoitnne to anne just at tho time of a serious inundation. The whole place was fl Hided !" Ar.r, admit that a miser is not right to hoard his guld in a bi\ when he might su invest it as tn add to the welf.we of multitudes. But everyone doe-, the same thing practicilly who holds in his own possession inytliiii'-T twin which he cannot or does nut evtruct the value, thereby rendering it useless to mankind. Thk burglars had ransacked a house in Dublin and secured every portable thing of any value. While passing through the pantry, one of them picked up a piece of cold meat and was about to eat it. " Whi.st, Pat !M! M said the other wavningly. " 'Ay' ye forg<.t what day it is?" "Be jabers,' said Pat, dropping the meat, I had;^ it's Friday mornin ' !" Inquiring child: "Pa, what is the difference between sitting up and sitting down ?" Pa, with perfect confidence in hid ability to explain : " Why, my child, when somebody is standing up and he seats himself, he sits down, and when he doesn't go to bed but sits down, he sits up !" Inquiring child : " But, pa. if he sits, how can h« sit without sitting down ; and, if he siti down, how can he sit up ?" A CABi\-wyv <m board a ship, the captain of which was a very religious man, was called up t6 be whipped for Mime misdemeanour. Little Jack went tremblinj? and crying>to the captain. " Pray, sir," he s;u"d, " will you wait till I say my prayers?'* "Yes," was the stern reply. "Well then," replied little Jack, looking up and smiling triumphantly, " I'll say them when I get ashore !"' ' ■• Ax Or-i) Domesticated Hand.— Scene— Suioking-ruom of club. Time — Any time after midnight. Jawkingii, newly-married, man: "No; I've really nothing to complain of about my wife, except her memory. 13ut that is awful ; she never seems tn remember even the most necessary tbii>gs.'* Pawkins, married some years : " Ah, well» mine was just the same till 1 found out a pei feet cure for it! Whenever there is anything very particular I want Mrs Pawkins to lemember, I write it down on a slip of papei, and gum it on the looking* glass! See?"