Amusing.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2170, 5 June 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Amusing.

It ii better to he alone in the world than bring a boy up to play on the accordeou.. It used to br. "Sec that my grave's kept green. " The now and popular version is, " Oh, keep my allies bottled love." A gentleman cilled at the residence of the professor. Matilda >nowball wu standing at the gate. " Is the professor in?" "No, sah." "But," mid the gentleman, point. tig to the window blind on which the silhouette of the professor wu plainly pourtrayed," there he is now." "No sah. dat's not him; dats nufiin bat Ins shadder." Sknvtok Evarts tells a good story once sending a donkey up to his farm at Windsor, U.S. About a week afterwards he received the following letter from his grandchild: " Dear Grandpa,— The little donkey i« very gentle, but he makes a big noise nights. He is very lonesome, I guess he misses you. I hope you will come up soon, and' then he won't be so lonesome." Professor at Girton College : "Now, young Kill ies, I propose to lecture on human anatomy, but I cannot while there is so much bustle among you."— All: " Pro* fessor, we can take our bustles off." Professor (confuted): " I— l didn't mean that way. You misunderstood me." " WifY do we weep when we ought to smile?' mujts Nellie ONoil in the Boston Courier. Perhaps, Nellie, it is because we sit behind a threo-story hat at the Opera House and cau't sec anything to smile at. It took just fifteen minutes for Fay Templeton, the actress, to get divorced from Billy West, the negro minstrel, by a Chicago Judge the other day. It is not known whether the Judge attended -the minstrel performance on the previous evening, but there are rumors to that effect. "Are You musical, Mrs O'Rafferty!" II Indade I'm not but I wish that I was. It is my right hand that I'd give if I could play on the pianny a« well as some of the great musical performers." Fatiiek-is-law — Perhaps, sir, you think I'm going to support you for the rest of your natural life. .Son-in-law — Well, I don't know why you shouldn't. I took your daughter off your hands. Science has recently made some wonderful strides, but up to the hour of going to press the actual horse- power of an auctioneer's jaw is still an uusolved myster)'. A pokt sixes : " I have a son, a little son, a boy just five yeara old." We don't see anything peculiar in this. Now if the poet only had a daughter that was a boy just five years old, it would be remarkable. What are chilled plows, papa?" asked the little son of an agricultural professor. "Oh, my son," was the wise reply, " they are plows that have stood out in tht> furrow all winter." Citizen* — Ju»t think of the deception practiced every day. Why it's dreadful. Now, if you could nuke §130 by a lie, your sen«e of honor wouldn't nllow you to do it, Washington Jackson? Washington Jackson — Uunno, boss, dtmno. Seems to me dat am a matter ob bL»ne-s wharin honah ain't got nuffin to say. Say, boss, who's de man wid de $150? — Tid-Bita. Ax Ea&tem Paper has for its motto, "The pen is mightier than the sword, but the scis>ors are easier to handle." Solomon didn't get away with him all the wisdom. A Maco.n* young lady is studying medicine. A few months ago she was study* ing law, and a few months preceding sne was studying theology. Of course, the changes iv her btudies were made, as «he discarded a preacher for a lawyer, and then n lawyer for a phyMcan. The f-igns indicate that the will soon be studying dudeology. " Makv Ann, did yez {ret ( that job|yez answered the advert : semint fur in the p.ipers as a ladies' wash-lady?" '"Faix, 1 donno, Mrs. Me Ginty: me social engagements has prevented me from callin' on the parties. But I bint them me kyard de wisite, as they calls it, and I expects to hear by Chewstay." Visitor of the dime museum to the little girl who takes the cash — •• We have made a bet and want you to settle it. Is the bearded lady your mother or your aunt?" The little "jrirl — " You are all wrong. She's my father. Sub was pitting on the floor playing with her dolll; the mother was reading. Both were deeply interested. MotherEthel, sro see if Etla has tim.shed my room. Ethel (with an upward glance of audacity) — Che-c-ek! Don't you think I am just as lazy sis you nre? "Nym Crinkle" once ran foul of Eli P,erkins in a controversy, and is supposed to have annihilated him with a tingle nentence in which he said that, " armed only with a sense of rectitude and a fine tooth comb, he had come into the field to remove Eli from the body of art. A Texas gentleman has observed that when he goes out hunting and has his gun with him and wants to ride on the street oar, he has never yet had occasion to signal a street car driver twice. Tub " Christian Union" tella of a young man who in three months gave hi* «.ent in a car to fifty- nine women and girls, and every one thanked him. We are sorry to nee that even religious journals are beginning to publish fiction. The bridal dress of the Princess Eulalie, of Spain, cost $30,000. The material was probably a large check, and it was made up with a bullion train. — Boston Post. 44 We were both the victims of a too heavy load," as the burst gun said to the drunken sportsman. A commox sight at the theatre — Ballet girls, in smiles and bald'headed men in tiers. — Boston Bulletin. Axy marriage is a bad match, for it*B not a thing to make light of. — Boston Post. Ix England they call an elevator * hoister, but it isn't tho hoister that elevates; it is the 'alf-an'-'alf.— New York Journal. It sounds paradoxical to talk about water-tight compartments. The idea of water making anything tight !— Lowell Citizen. Speaking of Congressman Butterwortb, we judge at a venture about 40 cents a pound. — Judge. Thkatbk Manager : "I can't use your play, sir. It's quite to long for the stage." English Amateur Playwright: "Bo* I say, aw, look here, can't you lengthen the stage, you know !*' No bald-headed young men are admitted into the Italian army. A recent report states that five per cent, of those examined for military service have been rejected on account of baldness. Which is the longest word in the English language, and why? "Smiles," bocause there is a mile between the first and last letter. A Bradford man says he saw another man blown eight hundred feet into the. air by a nitro-glycerine explosion. The* man who went up thinks it was ni»e« hundred feet, and now there is a prospect; of a quarrel between two old and eloa* associated liars. — Pittsburg ChronicleTelegraph. There are moments in the life of eTen the wretched country editor when hw tried nerves are thrilled" by the touch of joy. There are little intervals when the odour of ink and benzine vanish like the dewy jewel that sparkles on the rose when kissed by the morning sun, and the polluted air seem* laden with richest perfumes. Such a moment came to us yeju. terday evening when three of BrockviUe'at beit citizens — Messrs. S. R. Anderson, S* A. Hunter, and Moses Johns— burst in, upon its all at once, like a ray of light,. and subscribed for the Tribune, «nch paying a year in advance.—Punxsutawney (Pa). Tribune.