Amusing.

Waikato Times, Volume xxvi, Issue 2458, 8 May 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Amusing.

THE life of a locomoti\o ia only t'litty years. This ii another warning to in vcterate smoker*. RtCEVTtv a loiter of introduction wu handed by nn actor to a manager, -which described the presenter us an nctor of much merit and concluded—" He plays Virginius, Rirhclim, Hatnltt, Shylock, and billiird*. Ho pliys billiardi the best." By falling from a waggon, a Chinaman in Californi«, whoso lifo was injured for a large amount, was seriously hurt. Thert was some doubt as to his over getting better; and tit length one of his frienna wrote to the insurance company,"Charl«»y half dead : likes half money !" Lord Fitzpoodle cisMng himself on hit knees before Araruinti, gave utterance to the following: — "Oh that I could snitch a pine from sorao primeval foreit! I would sharpen the end of it w ith my penknife, dip it in the molten crater of Veittviiw, and write upon the azure wall of heaven in letters of living fire—AraminU, I love theo!" Hippolyte Mellon Victor Chtramanle, a prominent French htitesman and lawyer, died recently, bat his name will bo long remembered. Compositous, to n nnn (or woman) Art in favour of a new copyright law. Anything, they say, to get the copy right. An English literary explorer hat discovered that John Milton plaghrised his " Paradise Lost" from Joost ran den Vondel of Cologne. It is a good thing for the latter gentleman that Mr John Milton wus born, otherwise bo might never have been heard of. Lokd Wolseley, in the course of his recent lecture, told a number of amusing anecdotes, the best of which was as fol« lows: — Ono of his officers, who happened to havo a glass eye, was one day examining a prisoner, u zealout follower of tht Malidi? " Why do yon believe in the Mahdi ?'* asked the officer. " I believe in him," repliod the man, " because ho can work miracles." The officer immediately took ont bis glass eye, tossed it up in the air, caaght it, and put it back into its place. " D' ye think the Mahdi could do thatP" he asked. Tho mm wus appalled, and couldn't say another word. A .nkwspafer notices marriages under the heading of •• Doings of the Week." Officee examining recruits—" Why do we salute superior officers ?" Recruit — '• In order to keep out of the guardhouse." Outside a miner'a tent in Idaho a red* Hhirted man was searching for his tin cop. Not finding it, he observed, " Some in fernal thief has stolen my cup.' 1 Then thrusting his head into the tent, he asked, " Any of you gentlemen got it ?" It was nece-siry on n certain occasion in Court to compel a witness to testify as to the way in which a Mr Smith treated his horse." "Well, sir," said the lawyer, with a sweet and winning smile —a smile in tended to drown all suspicion as to ulterior purposes—" How does Mr Smith generally ride a horse r" The witness looked innocently and replied, " Generally a straddle, sir, I believe." Tho lawyer asked ngain, "But, trir, what gals does he ride;' The imperturable wicnes3 answered " Ho never rides any gate at nil, sir; bat I've seen his boys ride every gate on th« farm." The lawyer saw he waa on the track of a Tartar, and his next question was very insinuating. " How does Mr Smith ride when be is in company with others. I demand a clear answer." 1' Well, sir, ho keeps np with the rest, if his horse ia able to, or if not, he fall* behind.' The lawyer was by this time almost besidb himself, and asked " And how dots he ride when he is alone I'" "I don't know," was the reply; "he was never alone when I was with him." And then the case dropped. While engaged in lecturing in the West Arteinu,s Ward wrote to a friend the following epistle:—My dear George —I want you to do me a favour. I relied on one of my men to save me the press notices. He didn't. Will you collect them for me at once, and send them to me at the B ite-house ? Now this is taxing your good nature, but you'll do it for me—won't you, (jeorge? Do you know that you remind me more and more of iho noble Romans ? I don't know who they were, but you remind me of them ; you do, indeed. And could I have appealed to one of those noble Romans to cut out gome pree3 notices for me in vain? I guess not. Go on, young man, go on. Djul kindly with the aged. Remember that we are here orly for a little while, aud that riches tako unto themselves wings aud fly away. Intoxicate tho shining bowl. Support your country paper. Love the Lord, and send me those notices. Write likewise. And now, kind Mr, farewell. Farwell. • When other Jips and other hearts.'—Yonr'n, my pretty gazelle, A. Ward."—"Harper* Magazine."