Amusing.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2155, 1 May 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Amusing.

NiGHT TJiiotJOHT— lf over dog has ita day,' every night has its cut. An American author being chided for his long sentence*, replied th-it there wu ■only on« o!«m of people who really objected to long sentences, and that wu the criminal class. - ~'Y*H,"-««id the builder, pointing to a row of new houses, " they are all taken except the pne at tho ond; it is the last, but not leaded." "Got anything new thia beastly weather?" naked one citizen of another last Sunday. "Yes," said tho interrogated, with a fresh frown on his corrugated visage. "Neuralgia." Professor— "Does my question trouble yon, air P" Stadfnt-^-" No, sir, not at 'all. Bat I am a little in doubt how to frame my answer so hs to give you the precise information for which you seem to ask." Ax old negro waiter in a. Philadelphia hotel thus characterises the three clastni of Episcopal Churchmen : — " De Low Church eats', de High church drinks, and the broad, Church /ley jiat smokes." A religious weekly siys— "The man who whistles hardly ever swears." It is different wi,th the man who hfan him. The latter hardly ever does anything elss at such, times." . Aj.otcqbo boy, while walking along tho street, took off his hat and struck at a wasp .that had alighted on a tall shrub hanging over a fence. The boy put on bis hat, turned to the man and said, •'•I thought I got dat are old wan." " Didn't you get him !" "No, aah, bat I—" he snatched off his hat, clapped hid hand on the top of his head, squatted, howled, and said/ "Blame fi didn' git dat ole wass." Professor Huxley says it would re* quire nearly a million barrels of herring! to supply the cod on the Norwegian coast with one breakfast. No Wonder some reataurans do not give bread with one fish-ball. " JEgles," in the " Australasian," says, —They tell strange stories about us in the old country. Here is a narrative " with circumstances '' that will probably be news to his Excellency. It appears in a London weekly :— " On Sir H. 6. Loch visiting th? Eohuca Hospital lately he only found one patient. '"Are you the only inmate?' asked the Governor. " ' No, sir, the place ia crowded,' WU the reply. " ' Then where are the others ?' was the natural inquiry. '" Some's gone to see the procession, some to the sports, but most is playing in the cricket match. It was too far for me,' he continued. Then, brightening up. ' But I'm atfoin' in a barrer.' " Tlieu the Governor walked out in a state of semi-coma, gasping, ' Well, this is certainly a most remarkable instita* tion.'" First Bohemian— " I say, Joe, I wish you would let me have back those £5 you borrowed of me last week.' 1 Second do. — " Oh, my dear fellow — so sorry— but it's impossible. I'm impe* cunious to such an extent that I " First do (happy thought)— " Could yoo lend me £5?" Second do (off his guard) — " My dear fellow, with the greatest pleasure in life." [Forks out the same]. AT THE ANTIQUARY'S. Collector of curios— "Have you any genuine Roman falchions?" Dealer (off his guard) — "I am sorry, but they're all being rioted and won't be ready until next week." LIVE V ED UP. Max, to unknown other man — '• This is the slowest affair I over saw." Other man— " Ye 3, it is rather slow." Man — '• If I knew where the wine wu kept, hang mo if I wouldn't 'liven up a bit." Other man, graciously — " Here's the key to the cellar. Come along, it's all right ; I'm the master of the house." " Wheie are you going to, my pretty imid ?" " I'm going to lectures, sir, she said, "Whiic is tho subject, my pretty maid?" "The total extinction of man, sir," she said. "Then who will marry you, my pretty maid ?" , "Advanced women don't marry, sir," she said. — London Figaro.

LATE AGAIN. Wife— "Here you are, sir, late again. What have you got to say for yourself this time ?"' , Husband—" My dear, really, 'tsonly 1 o'clock." Wife— "l know better than that. The tall clock just struck 4." •Husband — " 'At tall clock 'sal ways zagferatiu' things. I mus' 'aye it sawed off, ain't goin' t'have you 'ceived this way any longer." —Tit Bits.

What the shoplifter said — Always a good plan to have something in atort. , "Ax excellent suggestion has been made to the Postmaster-General. Mr C. B. Harness, of the Medical Battery Company, who is well-known as an inventor, has proposed that the penny pottage stamp should be perforated diagonally, so that either triangle may be used as s> half-penny stamp. The adoption of this reform wonld obviously render the manufacture of half-penny stamps unnecessary, and the convenience would be greatly appreciated by the public." — London Figaro. Referring to the number of Whig* who have put their opinions in their pockets for the sake of office in the new Gladstone Administration, Mr Labouchere says: — "So strange, however, is our; political morality, that whilst we punish an elector for selling his vote, we reward any of the elected who will sell their opinions. Had Pontius Pilate lived in our days he would have become a Cabinet Minister. Much has been.' said against this Roman governor ; but, after all, what was he ? An opportunist' with a predilection lor office." Thb editors of popular magazines are constantly in receipt of curious letters. Here is one of them sent to the editor of Harper's the other day. It was from a lady who wrote that she was dying, ■ and that her physicians told her she wonld be dead before the conclusion oi Mr Howells stdry" Indian Summer," then tunning in the > Monthly. She was very much interested in it, and did not want to" die until she knew how it 'was going to end, and she begged $he editor to let her read the advance sheets that she might die happy. , An account of Lord Tollemache's cottage farms is given in •' Chamber* Jour- | nal " ;— " Each consists of three acres, and each tenant has a cow grazing in hi» own,, pasture. The cottages contain six rooms, with a yard to the rear for coals, at large; oven, a piggery, and cowshed, and the rent for house and land is £10 per annum. As a general rule the labourer .pays this out of profits on his farm, besides providing his family with an ample supply of dairy produce and bacon. All that he earns in wages is therefor* available for other items of expenditure ; and 'it « the proud boast of the neighbourhood that the labourers on the Tollemache estate; are unexcelled in England.' Each tenant receives a 21 -years' lease r and he. is thus perfectly secured of his farm."