Amusing.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2152, 24 April 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Amusing.

"liu-i is a mo-t trying ait.i ition," spouted the littlo whale, when ho was cut up and put in the boiling vats "I'm afraid its oil over with me," and he began'to blubber.— Tit- Bits. An Illinois minister checked a stampede in his church by commencing to sing. Of course his singing paralyzed tho congregation and rendeied them unable to run. If a man would always remember that a little lie is charged up to him at the sami' price as a big one, he would strive to bo either the bigest liar in town or noted for truth —Winston Sentinel. Uvci.k Roiikbt — "If you don't keep better hours, young man, you'll soon bo 011 your last journey. Tom — " Well, uncle, when a nun is bound on a long journey nadn't he ought to start on it aa soon as possible." It is said that waterproof clothing mtde of coik will soon be general. It will indeed be .1 great day for those who carry pocket fl isks when a piece cut from the tail of the coat can be used as a stopper for the bottle. Wuex Gen. Sherman read his written opinion on Gen. Grant, as shown by the publication of Gen. Fry, he must have felt the force of the observation, atti United to Hon. Simon Camerom, that it is better to go a hundred miles to see a man than to write him a letter. The young women of a Connection town have formed a very laudable organization known as the "Tongue Guard." Each member drops a penny in a box every time she says a word against anybody. The money is given to the poor, and poverty is rapidly decreaaing in that town. A wiLL-KS'owy clergyman, having listened to an enumeration of the qualifications required in the master whom a Mexican (Uonn.) congregation wanted, remarked to the members of the committee that waited upon him that they had better go back and advise the congregation to " Scud an invitation to the angel Gabriel." When* Dick Thompson, of Indiana, was made secretary of the Navy, some one called on Mrs Thompson to congratulate her upon her husband's elevation to the head of thp navy depirtment. She could scarcely believe that the news was true, and said to her visitor : " Why. Richard isn't fit to be secretary of the navy ; he can't even swim." — Detroit Free Press. Magician, pointing to a large cupboard — " Now, la lies and gentlemen, I take the liberty to present to you the last piece on the programme. I beg A lady in the audience to ascend the stag* and enter this cupboard. I will then cbse it, and when it is open she will have disappeared entirely." A man to his wife— "Here, old lady, you go on the stage. Excited young man (to druggistHave you got any meaicine that is " good for man or beast?" Druggist — Yea, Excited Young Man— Well, hurry up, man, and give me a bottle of it. Druggist — What's the matter ? Excited Yonng Man^Pa got run away with by the mule, and one of 'm was hurt, but which we don't know. They're bringing him home now, and I thought I'd get ready for an emergency. How doth tlio lazy hump imprnvo, E*.ch ch\ncc he lia&to think, Of what ohould bs his next best move, To sect another drink, He meditates but a short time, Then through the throng w dodging ; He strikes the crowd for hulf a dime, To help make up his lodging. A certain diviue, who had wandered in the course of hi«i travels beyond the conveniences of the railroad, was obliged to take a horse. Being unaccustomed to riding, he said to the host : "I hope you are not so unregenerated in these part* that yon would give me a horse that woujd throw a good Presbyterian minister?" "Wall, I duimo," was the reply; "we believe in spreadin' the Gospel." It is quite likely thi£ someone will ask you the difference between Jerome Park mid the natives of the Fiji i-land* ; if so, yov can answer that oue is a race course mid the other a cousa r.ico. Ix Zululand a woman is rated at ten cows. From the pictures we have seen of the nitives of that country ; we supposed that a cow was rated tit ten women in value. Anj'ho.v, we'd prefer the cow. Smith (to JoDes) — "Who's that chap, Jone<», juit going up the street?' 1 Jonea "Th.it? <>h, that's Robinson. He's one of our Msf guns." S'nith — "Hum! and I guess by his walk he ba-. a heavy load on. 1 ' The Queen of Italy employs a female physician. Whenever the Queen feels a> little out of sorts ahe sends for her physician, and thi two talk abmb the latest fashion*. Tuis is a medic. na that will cure almost any woman. Few monarchs can boasi^ of progeny ao illustrious as Kiug Christian IX., of Denmark. Five oat of his six children are married ;iud have familie-. The eldest suni of eieh of these families are th# prospective monarchs of Denmark, Greece, the British Empire, Russia and Hanover. It may be interesting to know that at Lake Nyansa, a strong young man can be b3ughtfor forty yards of white cotton cloth, a young woman for fifty-six yards. and a young mother for thnty-six yards. Age is evidently at a discount, for an old man can be bought or four yards, The single town of Basangon, in Switzerland, employs over 15,000 persons in watchmaking, and tho annual product appioaehes 600,000 watches. A government horolojical school is maintained there. Soxe of the great milliners of Europe •ire instituting five o'clock teas for their customers, at which they can consult with the milliner concerning their choice* of headgear. " Can you conceive," asked the professor, "of an eternal vacuum, a porfcm of space unoccupied, an empty void, rato which nothing can ever come, which maintains inviolate and forever its own eternal emptiness ?" "I can," replied the* student, " I have a stylographic pen." — Burdett. Several years ago Senator Rants«j> gave his wife the choice of a block of land worth GOOdols in Minneapolis or a spring bonnet. Mrs Ramsey chose the block, which has been sold for 90,000 dol. There is a atory told of Bishop Macrorie. He was sitting next a Yankee naval captain, who said to him : " You have in your Province two rival Bishops, C and. another fellow, to which of them do you incline ?" " 1 am the other fellow," said Bishop Macrorie. At a recent german tjiven in Chicago the favours were genuine milkiug stools, and genuine cow bells ; and some utterly unprincipled person said that many of the cow bells were given to calves.— New York Tribune. So observant I—Mamma1 — Mamma (shopping)— " You may cut me off a sample, and 111 see my dressmaker and write. Infant terror— " Why, ma! That'a just whatyou said in all the other shops." — Punch. Oxe half of the world doesn't knowhow the other halt lives, but it is impossible for a family to live upon onions and! codfish without the neighbours smellingr it out CURICUS PPBLIC-HOHSK. — A CuriOOl public-house is among the latest attractions in Paris. It is called La Taverne Dv Bagne. The walls are hung with paintings representing the horrors of convict life, interspersed with portrait* of notorious Communists. All the waiters are dressed in convict uniform, and wear the chains and bouhfs of the forcat. The. landlord is Citoyen Maxima Lisbonne.. oue of the leaders of the insurrection of." 1871. — Columbia Jurist.