Amusing.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2149, 17 April 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Amusing.

Motto of tho gardsner—Lottuce plant A commbrcial traveller—A merchantvea*el. It ir much easier to lay plans than it ia to hatch them. Proper costume for an elopment—A cutaway jacket. A maidrs heiress is the only mm that makes a social hit. Advicb to persons in search of employment—Westward hoe. It is perfectly proper that the boy who ia whaled should blubber. Thk line that tailors hangclotbos on— Masculine. A bachelor is like a nhip at ?ea with* out bitllndt —he is apt li bo cranky. It is hard to till at what age man lose* his faith in circus bill?. A MiNliTKii having preached a very long ■"crinon, sm was tht» custom, some noun after asked a gentleman lim candid opinion of it; he replied that " 'twas good, but it had .spoiled a goose worth two of it." An Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing Home fruit, threatened, if he caught him, he'd lock him up in tho ice-house and warm his jacket. " Prkvention is better than cure," as the pig said when it run away from the butcher.' The fashion papers talk aboat "thot silk." It must be the material ao many hats are made of. A carpen mi can seldom be as handsome a* hie wife, because he is generally a deal planer. Rob a man of his life, and you'll be hung; rob him of his living, and you may be applauded. A Frenchman, wishing to ipeak of the cream of the English poets, forgot th« words, and said, " do butter of de poets." Lord Brougham, in speaking of a maa whose case came before him at least twenty tiinesj said be was born unlucky, " and I belie re, if he had ever fallen upon his back, he would have broken his nose." "Givk Me Back my Dead?" shrieks A poet. Piobably the editor " killed some of his poetry. Waiter :—" Will you have Chili sauce with your meat?" Diner:—"No, sir; 111 have it hot." In reading the puff* on gravestones, W6 can only hope that the dead are not spoiled by gross flattery. There is an inveterate smoker who is always very deaf when informed there U no smoking allowed. A rhymer is generally fond of giving you a few staves from his last work as specimens of the whole barrel. "You can't do that again," as tho pig said when the boy cut off his tail. " Honesty is the best holicy, but it keeps a man shocking poor," said Smith, as h* wetted the sugar, without mixing it with sand. " I speak within bound*," as the prisoner said when addressing the jury from the dock. "It is said that a watch-dog is not so Urge in the morning as at night, because he is let out at night and taken in in th§ morning. •'That motion is out of order," remarked the chairman of a political meeting to a rowdy who was rising his arm to throw a rotten egg at him. "You may depend upon me, wife; I give you my word." " I had rather you would sometimes keep it, Hir." " I can't find bread for my family," said a lazy fellow in company. " Nor I," replied an industrious miller ; " I am obliged to work for it." "It appears to me,' Raid Mawworm, "that they have been making a great deal of fuss with the sinner Burns, and yet if it wasn't for his writings be would never have been heard of?" Dr. Cabin, who was gloriously henpecked, having heard Thomas Fuller repeat some verses on a scolding wife, was so delighted with them as to request a copy. "There's no necessity for that," satd Fuller, "as yon have got the original." Thk way addition sometimes works subtraction may be seen in the fact that if you add another syllable to short it makes it shorter. When a man comes to an end by jumping out of a third-story widow, he may 6* said to have jumped to a conclusion in ft most unreasonable manner. The poet who tried to render a piece of poor prose into rhyme did all he could to 11 make a bad matter —verse." " Pa, they tell us about the angry ocean! What makes the ocean angry?" —"Oh, it has been crossed so often." " Mamma, can't we have anything we want?" —" Yes, my dear, but bo careful and not want anything you can't ha\e." Thkuk is a. good reason why a little man should never marry a bouncing widow. Ha might be called '"the widow's mite." Hood, in describing the meeting of a man and a lion, said " the man ran off with all his might and the lion with all his mane." She —"Charley, they tftll me you were sea-sick on the yacht yesterday." He — " Yes, to tell the truth, I was a little sick, and had to visit the rail once or twice, but what of that ? Before we got far there was a regular gale, and the yacht hove to."— Boston Transcript. Indigent young man—" I would respectfully ask your daughter's hand in marriage, sir. Rich father (in indignant surprise)— " What! You want to marry my daughter?*' Indigent young man (somewhat flurried)—"Y-yes, sir. W-why not? You don't know anything wrong with her, do you ?" A pompous fellow was dining with a county family, when the lady of the honse> desired the servant to take away the dish containing the fowl, which she pronounced fool, as is not uncommon to Scotland, " I presume, madam, you mean the fowl," said the prig, in a reproving tone. "Very well," said the lady a little nettled, "be it so. Take away the fowl and let the fool remain. —Public Opinion.

THE TINY TOTS WHO TELL THE TRUTH. The infant terrible is at it again. He astonished » West Saugus supper table, the other night, by demanding " some of the cake with one egg in it made for the> company." He took the cake.—Boston Transcript.

A GOOD WITNESS. Judge—" Do you understand what yon ar* to swear to ?" Witness—" Yes, sab, I'm to swar to tell •detruf." Judge— ■' And what will happen if yoa do not tell ,it ?" , Witness—" I 'spects our side '11 win d» case, sah."—Cincinatti Enquirer.

WHAT HAPPENRD TO PA. •'Is your pa at home, little girl ?"_ " Yes. sir, do you wish to see him?" " Yes!" " But you won't know him if you do set him!" •* Why, what's the matter ?" " Well, 'y°u see, out in the country on our farm a man and his wife got fighting, and pa tried t« stop them." " Oh, indeed !" •'Yes, you'd better call again. You wouldn't know pa now."—Courier-Journal.

A MUSTARD SPONGE. In referring to sponge as a carrier of poultices, Dr Richardson considers that it makes the best of mustard carriers. Mix the mustard in a basin with water till the mass is smooth and of even consistency. Then-take the soft mass up with a clean sponge, lay the sponge in the centre of a>white handkerchief, tie up the corners neatly, and apply the smooth, convex surface to the skin. This mustard sponge, warmed again by the fire and slightly moisened, can be applied three or four times, is good for several hours, and sarer, the. trouble- of making a new poultice during the weariness of night watchip.g. The sponge can afterwards easily be> washed clean in warm water.

A PAPER CHIMNRT. A manufacturer of Breslau is seated to have built a chimney, over 50 feet\ n height, entirely of paper. The blocks r.sed in its construction, instead of being of brick or tone, were made of compressed paper, jointed with hilicious cemeo'c The chimney is said to be very elastic, and also fireproof. We may add thal., picture frames are now made of paper og the Continent. Paper pulp, glne, linseetl oil, and carbonate of lime or whiting are. mixed together and heated into a thick cream, which, en being allowed to cool, is run into moulds and gardened. Tht frames are then gilt or brop zed in the usual way.