Amusing.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 214, 3 April 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Amusing.

" I iwn I'M-ii how yon can endure that Piiffy girl, J ick?" H*id lii-t ni*ter " I m «nre there's n itlini^in her.' "\">u»ini? in her indited i Juxt triad you'd be m with in to «ii|)|kt nfter tno theatre to ni/lit, ' and ho dropped a'io-ir <iwr his buried -> il u y. " TllACuiii>.yjuj"ld me bin-A tin first tun" f fired it off, sud am tr ifc sportsman to Mi aho >t " Hint'- v.»ry sfi mi/j," Mid the latter, "It nctet dirt .so before. You must i.aio luon putting powder in it." JunrtF • Y«i-i xay y.tn arc not a vagabond? —Pi Holier. Km, your honour. -Jud^e: Did .my motif* bring you In tb"City ?- Prisoner: Y< s, v Kir honour. - Ju<l/u. What? lVi-wui L'c-oiiiotiw; —.lud^'f. Thirty d »y«. An <■!'!■ i iv, Mtrong iiiindi-d m liden Wft>ke 1 in I*1 '* ,iv editor'- -niKjlu.n with a roll o; Too] c.i|) in iici light li.nil tluclvM than her .ii n —i* w ,ih ,»t lo ixt, an inch in di.mieter, and tft-,i m'ro |ii(.iii;{ !i moll to th • editor, Said . '' I hi- hio ciiic 'iii' oi^m.iil poetry wlito'i . II r.' tic editor f.-ll out <if >>: his i li 'ii on t. th'j fl >or an appireutly di'idman, ml uh'n th-sub Mitor rushed into tho in mi th' frij»ht'«nud in mien excl limed. " I didn't kill him ! I ju-t ln'l'l up th -, i ill if [i i »iy to him 111 1 I iok at, and ha fdlosti. 1 " ilnm't ymi t£ot v*nci en-uigh 111 1 kn >w, ' jitin in th 1 n'nee !>>y, " that a big r.i I of p wtrv will Kill an c liter quicker than dynamite?" " In s lort, l.idio-i and gentl<»imn," said ft'i overpowered orator. " I c<in only sty —!jo< leive to add —l desire toassute you, th.it I \n>h I hid a window to my bosom, th.it you might see the emotion of my he.iit.'' Vulgar boy from tlu gallery — " Won't a pane in the stomach do this time'!" A.T\mNN'iCAL old niftn who had tried in vtiu to prevent a favourite neice from accepting the' attention* of a man that he hated, at last blurted out: " It is .-i rmxlm in to.* tchools Th*t woman always 46ztt on Tools." to which tha witty girl replied : , "If so. de»r Uncle Jack, 'your wife Must love you at she does her life." A certain .cook-book lately issued will not be apt to'-bo popular, becune among what it calk " Facetious Items " it gives the following : " If your wife faints, do not spoil her dre.ss by dashing a pitcher of water over hei\ Loudly kiss the back of your hand. She will immediately revive and want to know whom yon were kissing. D > not tell her and she will not faint any more." A cbcstv old bachelor says that Adam's wife was called Eve because, when she appeared, man s day of happiness was drawing to a close. "This is the latent agony in bonnets," she remarked to her husband as she tried 'its effect in the mirror. "Is it paid for?'* he asked. ' fNo; I had it charged." " Well, it isn't tho latest agony in bonnet*, then," he said with a gro,m. A LUiv, speaking of the gathering of lawyers to dedicate a new courthouse., said she supposed they had gone "to view tha ground where they must shortly lie.' A Father and s >n were mutually recalling incidents *>1 the latter* childhood. " I shall never forget," said tha young one,, " how you took trie out of the nursery when I was'about three rear* old, and pimixhed mo for playing. I can remember the tingling of that switch to this day," "Very strange,'\-B*id the father; "I don't recollect the circumstances at all." "Ah, well, papa, you were at the -other end of th* switch, you know."

A BUMBLE RHYME—A BOT AND A BEX. A HUMBLK b'»v wit.h •"Jiiniug pail Went gl idly singing down the dale, To where the cow with tha bi indie tail On clover her palate did regale. A humble boa did gaily suit Far o\cr the soft and bhadowy vale, To where the boy with shining pail Was milking the cow with tho brindlt tail. Tho hoe sat down on the cnv's left ear Her heel>» flew up through the atmosphere, And through the leaves of the chesnut tret The boy soared into eternity. "Ah .'"sighed Brown, "thi-. life i* full of disappointments." " Yes " loj'lied Fogg, glancing significantly at Mrs F, "and »ome disappointments are full of life." Ax old Welsh minister was biptising an irifant, and taking the babe in his nrnu very affectionately, he addrewd a few word* of advice to the young parent*. " Sea that you train up tho child in the way that ho *lull go, that you him with tins best influencps, and that you give linn a ffood c\.impli>. If ynu do «o, who knows but what ho may become ft Chri-tm.is Es.ms, or a John Elias !" Turning to tho tu>'llipr. he Haid, '* Wh.it i* the name of the child ?" "J.me! was the reply. Hk hid a cnnvd iiround him. and when he had pi. iced hi* toothache cure on the b.iaid b foio him and git nis lam,i brightly burning he -aid: "Geiitlcuien, the laat time 1 was in your fitir city -nm-nne hit me w.th an egr; I sinceiely —" At that in--tint a tin nip, thrown Ity mmdciuio in the mfcT ciiclf, struck the man's hat and earn d it ton foot awiy. Ho reached out his hand for it and coiitiuu jd, "Thank yon ! I was going to siy I piefer turnips to igars ; hut would, it b« asking too niuch of _ y.u to boil them first!" " Hbke's a mnsical salesman advertised for. Why don't you apply, Ned?" "I? Why I'm not musical." " Perhaps not, but I notice you can blow your own horn, you're familiar with bars, your remarks are rull of ,>lues, you're always given notes, *nd til the veit." An Indi ma young lady has invented a piano stool that rest* the back. The next ■<te»t in the march of improvement is to mvv ent a piano that will rest the neighbourhood. ' He pu,t on rollers at seven, And before the clock sounded eleven His feet they were flying Ai if thoy were trying To kick out the bluo dome of heaven 1 "Mamma," whispered a little boy, who had hatched the preacher vigorously pound rhe pulpit cushion for some timn. "'Sh !" But, mamni'i, I " " 'Sh ! 'sh ! You mustn't talk in church." "I only wanted to say that if I was that cushion, I'd •'» " 'Sh !" " I'd be all black and blue by this time." he squeaked. " You don't look happy," said a man to a neighbour, who was just coming down the steps of hi» house one cold morning. "No," replied the neighbour, witb a shiver, " it's coil without, and scold within,!" A uvruisTkb, blind of one eye, pleading with his spectacles on, said, " Gentlemen, in my argument I shall vue nothing but what is necesiary."—" Then take out one of the glasses of your spectacles," replied a wng. A swell, while being measured for a pair of boots, observed : " Make them cover th* calf." " Impossible!" exclaimed the: astonished shoemaker, surveying his euatomer from head to foot; "ain't leather enough in my shop." Some traen' are inconsistent creatures. They will get up in the middlo of the night and throw their boots at a dog because; he is howling at the moon, and the next night pay-three dollar* a seat to hear Italian opera. It is no uncommou thing to see the boy who is so lame it almost gives him lockjaw to go after a bucket of water, slip out the b:ick way and Fun'CKe bases, iii "a game of baseball, at the rate of forty miles an hour.. Souxu and souse do not always go together. One day on his wav from church-. Dr. Lyman Ueecher said to his son, Henry, who tells the btory, "Itbeemsto ma that I have nSver made a worse sermon than I did this morning." "Why father," said Henry, " I never heard you preach bo loud m all my life." "That is the way," saidi tbe doctor; "I always holloa when t haven't anything to say." A Virginia City (Navada) paper says :— '• The energetic hissing nightly accorded to the heavy villaiu in tbe melodrama now running at the Baldwin reminds old residents of the first theatrical performence ever given in Virgina City. Most of the miners httd not seen a play for a score of years, and when the Johnstone troupe opened in ' Othello' the house presented a packed mass of red «hirts. The then littltfamous Edwin Booth, was the lago, and sofaithfully did lie pourtray the traitorou» friend that-the house 10-«t control of itself, and in the second act began shooting at that fell dbpapirutor. One shot struck Othello* sword-hilt, and all hands lud to lie down ou the stage and roll into the wings. Tha iiidignant miners were finally quieted, and the play was proceeded with ; but the final denoheuient was so taken to heart by th* spectators that Booth remained m th» theatre »ll night for fear of the vigilantes, who talked twrioiusly of tyuclimg the ' coldblooded cuss' off^haad."