Amusing.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2140, 27 March 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Amusing.

A Kkmtckv woman lias nearly reformed ller ln^baud by poisiiadmp him to use bottle's of whisky .as wcii'hts for the clock. The Q(>ftoner ho clriiikn the ■lower the dock go«», tlio longer he has to wait for his meal->. " What do we leain ftom the parable of the seven wise ami seven foolish \irgins?' 1 was recently asked in a •Miml.iy school. "That we must watch every hour_forjthc coming, of the bridegioom," a blushi.ig gul lephcd. A \(ius'(; miss i of $&teeu asks what' is the piopci thing fur her to do when she is ser<'n<tded by a jmrty of-gontleman at » late hour. We arc gl.iil to be able to answer this question Steal softly dowustaiid, and uutio the dog. " I lovk your daughter better than I love my life," said he to her obstinate q father. " Well," icplied the heartless man, "go commit suicide and let her get rjd of you: i'hat won't be much M ft oroof, but it will be satisfactory to me." i He oontinuallv played on the cornet, 'f Sweet spa it, heat my, prayer." The maiden lady next door sent word, with compliments, that she heard hit prayer, a'ud would pay a month's lodgings for him iv advance if he'd move to another . tiart of the town.

1 NIOHT. Sadly by an open window— i Love gone — . ' Sits a maiden, and a heartache ! ' Cometh on. ~* Softly dwells tbo silver moonlight Everywhere, Seems to whisper to the maiden : ' Bxnfth care. Lifts the shadow a,nd the sadnew For her heart, Music teems to linger rouud her— ! Must it part ? Nay, from 'neath the window open Doth a cat Lift bis aoul :n gladnome muaic, Sharp and flat. As p* and ma jfcere hiving aMttleeveii- ' ing quarrel, their only child, little Johnuy, ruphed in and exclaimed-^' Pa, what does my teacher mean by saying that 1 inherited my 'bad temper P' Pa hesitated, but m<i spontaneously (replied, ',' She meanb "that you are your father's |wn boy," and then burst into' tears. j "Hallo!" ejaculated an anxious guardian to his lovely niece, as he entered sitting-room aud saw her in the anna of a svain who, had just popped the question, and sealed it with a smack ; " What's the time of' day no\r ?" " I qhould think it was now about half -past twelve," was the' cdol reply; " you sco I hat we are almost one." "SpEAKiyo pf Charley," said Frank, 1 ' there's one thing about him I like ; when he iay« af thing you can alwaya depend upon him." "I thought," ventured Thomas, " that GKafley Was not particularly noted for truthfulness." •« That's jnst it," replied Frank, " when he says a thing you know he's lying, aud therefore know just what to depend upon." At the read'iig of the will of M. do C , who had just died, the survivors surprised to find that he had left nothing to his servant, a man of the old school, faithful and devoted until death. In a codicil, the deceased had written— j'l give nothing to my excellent and honest John. He has served me for the last thirty years — he must be lich." i " Don't you remember me ?" "Can't say that I ever saw you before." " Why, do you not remember little Sammy Bainbry, who used to steal your peaches and break your windows twenty yean ago?" "Ah, certainly, I remember you now. And I tanued your little hide' for you when I caught you." " You bet you did. Ah. those Jiappy days will never, never come a£(ain."

; CHABITY AND , THE SKXTOX COVKR A MULTI- , TUPK OK SINS. I "Tell me, gray-headed aevtmi," I said, " Where in this held .11 c the wicked folks kid? I have wandered the quiet old graveyard through. And studied the epitaphs old and new ; But on monument, obelisk, pillar or «tone I read of no evil that men ha\e done." The old sexton stood "by a grave newly made, ( With his chin on his hand, his hand on » spade ; I knew by the gleam of his eloquent eye • That his heart was instructing his lips to reply. • "Who is to judge when the soul takes its flight? { Who is to judge 'twivt the wrong and the right? Which of us mortals' shall venture to say That our neighbour was wicked who died r to-day? X "In our journey through life, the further we speed > The better we learn that humanity's need Is charity's spirit, that prompts us to find Rather virtue than wipe in the lives of,' our kind* t " Therefore, good deeds we record on tbeie _ stones ; ' • T Tltt evil 1 men do, let it din with their bones ; I have laboured as sevton this many a year, But I have never buried & bad man here." At a school .examination s clergyman wa-. descanting* on the necessity of growing up loyal and useful citizen*. la order to give emphasis to his remarks, ho pointed to a, flag hanging on one side of the schoolroom, and naid, u Boys, what is " jthat flag for !" An urchin, who under, stood the condition of the room better than the speaker's rhetoric, exclaimed : " To hide the dirt, sir." " Will you have a piece of the pie, Mr Goodman " asked Bobby* mother of the -minister. " Thanks ; no," he replied, ]" Will you, Bobby?" she inquired, "No-o, I guess not," said Bobby, rather hesitatingly. The minister looked at Bobby in surprise, " I thought all little boys were fond of pie," he said. " They are," replied Bobby, '*' I could eat that hull pie ; hut ma said if you didn't take any I mmn'r, an' she'd save it for to-morrow." A quiet-looking gentleman walked down the platform in search of a place in a train which was almost full. He stopped before a carriage in which there was a ' T&cant seat — no, not quite vacant ; on it stood a black handbag. <A utout person' sat next beside it in 'the corner "Boom, here ?" demanded the quite gentleman, " No," growled the stout one. " No one u sittiug there," pointing to the handbag.' " Got out— coming back," growled the stout passenger. The new comer had bis own views as to how far this vague statement was trustworthy, for be said in his. quiet tone' •* X will sit there until youj;. friend returas." The train began to move. " Your friend is late," said the quiet one. The train was fairly in motion. c# Your friend has lost 1 the train 1". exclaimed the quiotone ma tone of sympathy ; " but," he added, " he sha'n't lose his property ;'*' 1 and he hurled the black bag out of the window. The stout traveller made an in-* effectual effort to save the bag, and then burst out 'into language not that of blessing. The package was, of course,, his own. . . 1

A MOPELAUTOBrO.GRAPHY. ' The Washington ( correspondent of tb'o Cleveland Leader says :— ln (in old paper., worn with- age and n6w unknown* I came/ across Abraham .Lincoln's on\y autobio-V graphy. It wafe , written in, 1848 at the request of -Charles Laninan, who wasthen making up his Dictionary of Congress, and had asked Mr Lincoln for a. sketch of ,his life. The following, is .Abraham I^inooln's written/ .reply r — ' "Born February 12th, 1809, in Harding County, Kentucky. Education, defective. Profession, lawyer. Havo been a captain of volunteers in the Black Hawk war. , Postmaster nt a veryiKmall' office. Four times a member 'of tha Illinois Legislature, and was a member bf ' tho Lower House I ' of Congress. 1 "Yonfs»