Amusing.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2128, 27 February 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Amusing.

Somkbody who lias tried it siy,it tukes more courage to mo before sumisc than it docs to wear new boots. A coKKKsi'o.VDKjjT wishes to Know ' how to preserve the h.itr " One good way is to have it woikc-1 mt) a, watch chain. It rains upon tin* just and unjust alike; but the unju-it aiu jrriieraMy piovided with borrowed umbrellas, whicli thuy do not return. A Nevada hunter spent three months looking for a grizzly bear, and the man.i relatives spent three months loking for him. They think he must have found the bear. Jujh;k— "Do you understand what you are to swear to?" Witness.—" Yo% {.ah, I'm to swear to tell do truf." Judge— "And what will happen if you do not tell it?" Witness— "l 'specti our sidc'll win the case, sah." Jksnik — " Where are you going Mamie?' 1 Mamie — "I'm goiug riding with George." Jennio —•• Oh, never mind him. Stay heic with me. It's not necessary you should go, is it ?" Mamie " Yes, indeed it is Pressing business, you 1 low." And then she blushed. A three year old little girl was taught to close her evening prayer, during the temporary absence of her father, with "find please watch over my papa." It sounded very sweet, but the mother's amusement may be imagined when she ended "and you'd better keep -in eye on mamma, too !" <f Are you a scientist?" asked a stranger to Mr Caution, last night, as the gentleman was standing on tho front steps. " No, air," replied Mr Caution. " Why do yon ask ?" " Well, I saw you had an area light in your basement, and I—"I — " If Caution's aim had been better he would not have broken his umbrella handle on the lamp-post.

SOMEBODY. Somebody rushes through the house, Never once shuts a door ; Scatters her playthings all around Over the nuisery floor. Climbs on the fence and tears her clothes— Never a bit cares sheSwings on ths gate and makes mud pies — Who can somebody be ? Somebody looks with rog jish eyes Up through her tangled hair ; " Somebody's me," she says, " but thon, Somebody doesn't caro." Eveey man who rises above the common level receives two educations. The first from his introductory ; the second, the most personal and important, from himself. — Gibbon. " Do you know in what month of the year my wife talks the least ?" " Well, I suppose when she catches cold and loses her voice." " Not at all. It is in February." " Why is that?" "Because it has the fewest days." " I understand your son is mauled, Mrs Te Igera ?" •• Oh, yes, the dear boy has quit scatter \g wild oats and settled downatlast." " Did ho do well?" "Do well? Why bless your sweet life, ma'am, ho married a girl from Boston who wears gold specs and talks as though she'd bolted a dictionary. Do well ! Wo'l, I should twitter." The other evening Judge Ro^y and Dr. Nel?on woro telling Homo of their stoiics when a flock of blackbirds fli>w overhead. "I k''ledf.evonty-fivoof those irrJs at shot doua on tho east shore," said Judsro Roily. " Sho ! that'tt norh'ritr," said tho doctur, " I Filed 122 0110 timo. "Look here, Dootor," s.tid the Judge, " after this time you can toll youid fir^t."

WHAT CAUSED iV. My lady's lips but yestcr night Were like twin rosebud* blushing bright. With rows of pearls between thorn gleaming. Now what a change ! Cm Ibo dreaming ? This mom the pearls have changed their hue To black, the rosy lips arc blue ! I stand aghast ! What sudden woo Or fright hath changed my lady so ? Ah, now I know, no more I high, My love's been eating blueberry pie. A LAwyeb addressing a jury on a case proved by strong circumstantial evidence, repeated ofton that •' ninety-nine guilty men should escape rather than that one innocent man should suffer." The judge, in charging the jury, told them the '' ninety-nine guilty had long since escaped." At a menagerie — Some spectators chattering with the wife of the lion tamer : " Is it true, madam, that a lion costs 5000 francs ?" •• That depends ; there are lions and lions." "But your lions; for instance, Brutus?'' "Brutus I would not sell for 10,000 francs. He devoured my first husband." Beef in boiling loses 26 pounds in 100 pounds, or rather more than Ja quarter ; in roasting it loses one- third, and in baking very nearly the satne. Legs of mutton lose one-fifth in boiling and one-third in roasting, and a loin of mutton in roasting loses rather more than one-third. It is more profitable, then, to boil than to roast meat; and whether we roast or boil it, it loses by being cooked from onefifth to one- third of its whole weight.

A NEW LANGUAGE. Alderman — " And you gave the prisoner directions in externo, did you ?" Witness : "In what, your honour ?" "In Hxtenso." "No, sir; I gave him directions in English ; can't speak any other language, sir."

ILI.rSTRA.TBD WITH CUTS. " You" father is a great hand to make long lecturen, Billy." " Yea," saya Billy, whose pupa has just wound up b ; 8 lecture with a 8k ite ntrap. '• Ye-es, he's rather pro licks.'* And he thoughtfully rubbed hi nspJf with an nontq accent, wherevor h« nn»M reuch. and wishod he had an extra arm growing out of his biclc.

CHARTTY BFfIJXS AitKOAP. Worn and torn i« ptpa's r.wnont, H.ilf his buttons h.ive come off, Here are bill.-* demanding |j,iyment, Here is baby with a cough. All the house is qnito ne?Wted, Seeming to require rep-nrs, With the dust and dirt collected On the tabled and the chain,. And the children — yon will find them Making mnd pies at their ease, There is nobody to mind them, They disport them as they please. Why this idle indecision ? This neglect of dust and grime? Mamma's noble foreign mission Occupies her all the time. Her commissions seem quite endless, And she needs must ever roam To the Home of Pilgrims friendless, Or the little Foundlings' home. Prop. Draper, who wrote columns against the use of tobacco, declaring that it wan a poison and shortened life, died in New York a few days ago aged 50 years. About the same time a man in that city, who has used tobacco since he was 14 years old, celebrated his 94th birthday. P. Ticixius Mkna was the first person who introduced barbere into Italy from Sicily in the 454 th year of the foundation of the city of Rome. Gentlemen who have suffered from this barber's linguistic persistence will understand why Ticinins was considered Mena than the average Roman citizen See here, young man," said a father as ho was dressing for church, "that sort of language won't do. Don't you know it's swearing ?" " Yes, pa, but ma gave me your collar button to bring to you and I've dropped it and can't find it." " Well, by tho— the— er—ha—umeternal hornspoons that collar button must be found." It was a Harvard Sophomore who said the other day, when told that a ghl had once taken tho highest classics 1 honours of tho college: " Oh, we!!, you know tho girls have nothing to do but study. Wo fellows rof'y havo so much else to attoucl to that we don't havo much time for books !" •• What is tho origin of motion ?" asks a celebrated preacher. Well, there are many oiigiss. Aca ' to come up and havo a dr'uk nil! biing men to their feet in a second, nnd a spider dow.i a girl's back is the oiigln of eomo of tho liveliest motions the world over saw. President of the Sewing Circle (nowly

elected)— " Well, reiUy, now, it wns a f,»eat honour you ladies conftt.ed upon mo, :i")d I want to th.'uk you for your piri. in it. ' One of the Member* — " Oh, don't mfntion it ; anything to kcop that Mrs Taylor out." A tki ALmiy Int ten week*, md the planner's ooui^ol may scour tli»> o irfli for witne-M*, but it it» not mil 1 ' tin m : *iulfs after hi& i r cnt is pronoiu 1 - I .. 'ty th.it his l'i\v/cr aslr* for ,i i. % tiiil on the gionnd of " now ly d-»< >■ it 1 l\ (lento " '• (i .nics .md mdiisti/ .no t > wi'i thcii ottj rewards," is a vciy poor precept to p I'-ie upon tin" is ' rl of .i dexterous br r^- !.!'• who -ponds thrr • liour-i' time in opening ;i sifo wl Mi ouly contain > th ; rl"cn old copper cents and an empty g'"i bottle. IJaskin's— l don't, UmU much of Dr. A rguc's school of nici l < mo. Tlobb — No, and that's not the wor-t of it. I honM him admit to I)i. 11-mlci-on that ho coulrS't > ure a li.un. — 'lit Bit.s ' H \vk you v -tod. i" " Yos." " * A nd you c'ir'-i't get your head broken ?" " Not I ! Why do you n«k -uch a question r" "Because I heir there are a great many po r s open on election day." — Boston Budget. HusnvviJ — "Ttio census taker was in i dear. }[o demnnded the »gc of each of the f.tm'ly, and I was ol»''gcd to ji'.vo 1 '-n yours. Tie soul it was law. Wife (enraged) — '' Liw ! What do I eire for law? John Smith, <*\i you te ll that man my ago?" Husband (hurtic^ly)— " Yes, I told him you were twenty-three." W''fc (moll : <iod)— " Well, I suppose the law has got to be respected." — New York Son. A may wfls fned one dollar last week, in a cou'-t, for citing a lav. /or a Mar, and yet wo have no doubt that the offender had sworn to te" the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but tho tiath. It is an old sajing that n man is not bothered by anything that he does not know. We don't th'nk that this can be truly said of the candidate who is reading an editoiial regarding himself in an opposition paper, and runs across some French words that he doesn't know the meaning of. "Jim," said an honest coal dealer to one of his dilvers, " Jim, make that ton of coal 200 pounds short. It is for a poor, de l; cato widow, and as she will have to carry all of it up two flights of stiirs, I don't want her to overtax her strength. Ar \ bella— " Now do tell mo, dear, why you broko you- engagement with Mr Golden.'^ Ji-'ia— "Wel», I fond ho was too fond of draw ' is; and painting." Arabella— " Why, I ehorUl th'ik that would just si" t' you, with your artihtic tistes." Ju'-'a— " But his taste ran ro drawing checks and painting the tow.i." An English paper repoi i,s that dnx'ng recent explorations at Nineveh a petrified umbrella was found in one of the temples. Near by was the pct^ficd man who was just abont to make off with it Minister (fashionable church wedding) — '• \\ horn God hath joined together let no ma-i put nsrnder. Let us unite in prayer." Bride (kneeling, whispeilng)— " Remember, George, wo aro to pa!H down the aisle, and do try and not bo awkward. You mortify me to death homotimes." Russia has stricken the name of Prince Alexander from its list of colonels. If somebody coi M only SL.iko tho titlo of colonel from several rn M ' : on American citrons, a great burdeu would be lifted from tho counhy. When* they have a fr leral at Leadvillc they end it with a dance, and when thoy have a d mco they l/'l two or three men, and of course tho remains demand funerals; so it is hard to sec why an undertaker [>houlrS't prosper in Leidv: n e. A Nevada lady recently took nfair advantage of her husband's iudrlgenco "n a bath to elopo with another inn i. The bereaved one cxpre-scd the con\ Iction that she hvd been waic'ng for the opportunity for months.— Te^aa S;ft-i-igp. Ay old gent'eman who recently c v ed in Plymouth ca"ed b ; s son to l'« bedside a few moments beforo ho exp'^ed, and, bidding h ; -n good-liye, requested bi-n to place a few hand jrrenades in b's coffin, as ho ir'ght possibly fid some uso for them hereafter. — Boston Gazette. 11 On, where nro the jsirls of tho past ?' asks a poet. If you mean tho far away, di n and distant past, some of them are st.'ll : i tho ballet corps.