Amusing.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2125, 20 February 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Amusing.

Tim woman question : " Now, isn't that a pretty time of night for you to get home ?" You may crowd, you may jam the tram car if you will, but there's room for one more on the vehicle still. Ir is proposed in Paris to erect a velodrome, a covered track for bicycles and tnejcle->. " I'imk works wonders,' said a young man of twenty-seven when he returned home and found his elder sister only eigutcen. <• Ni;vek refuse advice, my son. Of course you have no vie for it. Nobody ever has. But it is very handy to give to somebody else. Whkv the livery man was asked why he painted " Excelsior" over the door of his stable he explained that "Hire " wu his motto Sober passenger (angrily): "Look where you step, man !" Tipsy passenger (apologetically) : " Y-yes I do ; the trouble is to— hie— step where I look." " I Threw a stone I knsw not where," is the first line of a recent poem. The author' name is not published, but there is little doubt but that a woman wrote it. '•Grandpa, dear, we have come to wish you may happy returns of your birthday, and mamma says if you give us each a shilling we are not to lose it on our way home," " Now, Uncle Gabe, if you have got anything on your heart, any last wish, speak out," said the Rev Baxter to an old ne^ro who had only a few hours to live. " I ain't got no last wish, 'cep dat I want ter get well." Can Professor Huxley, or some other scientist, explain why the person who holds the ticket for the last seat in a row in the dress circle at a theatres always comes in about ten minutes after every other seat in that row is occupied t Phrenologist — " Your bump of imagination is abnormally large, sir. You should write poetry," Citizen— "l do write poetry. Only yesterday I took a poem to an editor ; and that bump you are feeling is where he hit me. Don't bear so hard. What a little thing will put a man out sometimes ! Fenderson was saying, " Meanwhile the stranger gazed on me intently—" " Yes," interrupted Fogg, '•with his eyes fixed on vacancy— go on." But who could go on without such an in* Miiu.ition as that ? " Where did the Prophet Elisha go f" ask»d a Taxas Sunday school teacher, " He went into the desert." " What wu Eliaha while he was in the wilderness?" "I duno what ho was while he was in the dc-crt, unless he was a deserter," replied the hopeful pupil. " How shall tho women of our country become armed for the fray ?" bhrieked a female suffragist glaring through her curis. Don't worry about it, dear ; the men of our country will fee that they are comfortably armed, provided that each woman doesn't require more than two. It was in tho days when people covered their heads on going to bed, and Lady Margaret Herbert asked a friend for a pretty pattern for a nightcap. " Why," said the friend." " what signifies the pattern of a nightcap?" "Oh, child," returned my lady, " but, you know in case of fire," "What colour is your coat?" asked Mis 3 Fuss'infeather of young Crimsonbeak the other night as he was preparing to leave. " Well, I nhould *..iy it bad been very close to the colour of your cheek," replied the young 1 man, brushing the rouge from the lapel of tho garment in question. Tuk meanest man in the Waikato cats the drapers' goods advertisements out of the Times before he gives the paper to hi* w ife. He says she wants to go out and buy everything site sees advertised. There are thousands like her ; but only one such mean man, m far as heard from. " If I were you »nd you were I," she sang vigorously at the piano, and turning 1 to him said: "What would you do?" " Well, love," he answered, "judging from your disposition and tbp colour of your hair, I'd say you would take ft cudgel and knock me off that piano stool if I didn't stop singing." " I never made but one mistake in Doctor Shorthand's drescriptiona," remarked the pharmacist, looking at one bottle while he reached up after another. "How was that?" asked the customer. " I put up what he wanted,'' replied the man of drug?. " Usually I tiy to read his prescription and alwoys get it wrong, but that night the gass went out and I put it up in the dark.' 1 A professor at the University of Texas was explaining *ome of the habits and customs of the ancient Greeks to hifl class. " The ancient Greeks bunt no roofs over their theatres," said the professor. " What did the ancient Greeks do when it rained ?" asked Johnny Fizzletop. The professor took off his spectacles, polished them with his handkerchief, and replied calmly: "They got wet I suppose.'' " Yes, stranger," said a passenger from Texas, " I'm goin down East on an important errand. "Don't mind telling you that I'm going to be married. You can imagine how good natured and jolly I feel." " Yes, but don't you feel a little anxiety, a little trepidation about taking such an important step?" "Nary a trap, stranger." " Have you ever been married before ?" " No, but Ire been in one fight with Injun?, two sorimagea with cowboys, an' went through four cycrones, I'm no chicken."

THE BOY'.S ADVJCE. "Say," said the editor's smart little son, as he entered a store, " 1)0 you keep knives?" "Oh, yes." responded the storekeeper, " we're kept them for years." " Well," returned the boy, starting for the door, " you ought to advertise, and then you wouldn't keep them so long."

A CHIP OF THE OLD BLOCK. '' How old are you, sonny ?" • * Twelve years ©Id, air." " You are very small for your age. What ii your name?" " Johnny Smith. My father is a baker on Austin avenue." "So your father is a baker. I might have guessed it by your «ze. You remind me of one of bis loaves."

THE MODEBN STAGE. "So you are studying for the stage, my dear?" "Oh, yea. I have been working for several months." " I suppose it is very hard work ?" " Indeed it ia. You have no idea bow tiresome it is to sit around a dressmaker's all day long, having one new costume fitted on after another."

THE FCGITNESS OF TIME. Belle of several Summers—" There wa§ another Mr Follibud here a few years ago —but he is no relation of yours, probably, as ho was from Cincinnati." Mr Follibud—"ls he a bachelor?" Belle of several Summers—" He waa then, but he has since married a Miss Gusherly, of Chicago." Mr Follibud—" Why, that's my father."

HOW TO DO IT. If you want to earn some siller, Sit and write a Shilling Thriller! Introduce a secret killer, And a strange eccentric WWilel —cr k Pretty girl, a true heart-filler. Brawny beau, a regular " miller.'* Hunt the lot from post to pillar. Paint things getting Ul and iller. Midnight black than Hades stiller! Sea. A boat without a tiller ! Stab! Plunge ! Rescue! Artful " biller!" Bookstalls ! Bobs ! And there's your Thriller! Punch.