Amusing.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2110, 16 January 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Amusing.

— A man of Brumwick,,Me., Btarted on Ins bridal tour and di9covored when the conductor camo around that lis had purchased only one ticket. The minister had jubt pronounced the couple " one," but no railroad company is going to cheat it«elf by recognizing any such authority in contradictson of mathematical facts. — A French doctor claims that ho can remove a man's eye and replace it with a rabbit's and make the thing see. JBul who would fix up the rabbit ? — Detroit Free Press. — " Yes, I'm in the lecture business," said a long haired passenger, " and I'm making money, too. Big money. I've got a scheme, I have, and it works to a charm. Big houses wherever I go." " A scheme." "Yes. I always advertise that my lectures are specially for women under thirty years of asje and for men who are out of debt. You just ought to bee the way the people come trooping in." — Chicago Herald. — Siberian* cats are' a new variety just introduced and highly recommended as pets. Tho pressing need of new cats is not apparent to the average thinker, and they are apt to meet disdain, and clubs, and boot-jacks, and other bric-a-brac. — FISHIN GUNDER DIFFICULTIES. — "Oh, Emeline, come quick ! The baby'a tumbled down into the ciatern ; we'a been II fishin 1 for him for half an hour wid on umbroller handle an' a chunk o' sponge c.ike an' we can't even get a nibble." — Harper's Bazar. — There is a proposition on foot now to heat street cars by electricity. A uian is generally so hot after chasing the car for three blocks that he wants cooling off more than anything else. — A robber met a coal dealer on a lonely road and stopped him. " Your money or your life," said the robber. " Who are you ?" asked the coal dealer. "I'm a highwayman," replied the man. "Good enough," continued the coil dealer ; " I'm a low weighman." Shake. We should be friends. — "Oh!" exclaimed Miss Daubwell, " what a clever man that Mr Fogg is ! Be is really quito a physiognomist. I was telling him last evening that I had become quite proficient in painting, and he said : ' I was sure of it, madam, your face shows it." Chorus: "Indeed." — Boston Transcript. — A Wisconsin paper aayß that a fisherman in Pemiscot county ' ' caught an alligator gar on a trout line that weighed 111 pounds." We don't know what an alligator gar is, but it seems to us that a trout line weighing 1 1 1 pounds ought to hold anything short of a wha'e. — A Nk w England Congregational parish is wrestling with a very perploxing connumdrum. The pastor exchanged with a neighbouring pastor and he preached tho same sermon tho pastor had given them a month before. Now they want to know whose sennun it was.— Chicago Living Church. — The price of re.il "state was under discu^ion at tho club, when one gentleman said: Jones, old boy, I know where you can buy just the nicest little homo, splendid cottage, giand fruit trees, and all that for a song." "Just my luck," said Jones. " I can't sing a note." — Hartford Post. — A korse trainer sayain theßlackshcar Georgian : "I agree to break any horse or mule so as to work anywhere by special agreement." No doubt, but will it not be a trifle troublesome to mako a special agreement with a horse or mule every time you want him to work? — Savannah Times. — " Can you assure me constant employment ?" inquired an industrious artisan of tho Western land agent. And the advocate of emigration promised, as they all do, not a day's idleness. " But what is your trade ?" he added. " Undertaker," was the response. The agent passed, to the next applicant. — Boston Post. — My son, if you will be a bold bad man, have a companion in your wickedness. Your friends will blame him for your wrong-doing. To be sure his friends will lay all his badness on your shouldejs ; but that is no matter. You cannot expect to make yourself soHd with every- • body. — Adolpiius, my deah fellar, why are you nursing your arm in that way ? " It's a boil, Cyril, I'm deuced lucky, now, don't you think ?" "I don't see why." " The Earl of Salisbury has one on precisely the same spot. I'm so English, you know." "By Jove, Adolpiius, but I envy you."— Philadelphia Call. —"The prettiest thing in bonnets,"' said Mrs Bromley the other day, " is " " Your face, Mrs Bromley," said the old gentlemau, gallantly— and Mra Bromley carried around a nine-inch .smile for a week afterward. —Tramp (to woman at the door)— " Can you give me something to eat ? I'm starving." Woman— "lean give you a nice piece of fresh mince pie." Tramp— " Er— isn't it a little early in the season for mince pie ? " —Pronouncing matches have taken the place of spelling bees of a few years ago. The smallest Welsh newspaper would be sufficient to put down both sidet of the largest Ame/ican pronouncing class in the country. For example : Pronounce Wgnllbrnnllgy. —Prof. Bernstein (expatiating)— 11 Life is hollow ; it is a bubble ; nothing is whatitseems." Everybody — "How beautiful !" Prof. B.— " We are walking ou volcanoes which may at any moment overwhelm us." Everybody — " How true !" Prof. B. (getting excited)—" I— myself could explode this volcano. For instance, there are sonic men who habitually deceive their wive 9. There is a man here—" Si-c men (rising) — " Well, professor, I can assure you — " (Scene of great confusion, and six women faint.)— Philadelphia Call. — Tin: late General Grant has no ear for music. He used to say he knew only two tunes; the one was "Yankee Doodle" and the other wasn't. —Felix Rodriguez, a well-known compositor, has died in the city of Mexico. He was one-armed, but very expert, and held his stick in the stump of his left arm. Years ago he had a trial of speed with another compositor, and losing in the race, had his own left hand cut oft* in a rage.

— Lv Ogden, Utah, a curfew law has adopted. The bells aro sounded at 8 or 9 o'clock p.m., according to the season, and after that hour boys or girls under sixteen years of age abroad, unless accompanied by a parent, a guardian, or a friend, or provided with a permit, are liable to arrest for misdemeanour. A similar law is in effect in several Califoruian cities.