Humor.

Waikato Times, Volume XXV, Issue 2081, 7 November 1885, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humor.

Tin: h^mor of ihis lie&in it-, truth: A seutlcrr.jn, conductor or> one o' tho iuaia lines i jnuii3£ bcA\ rai trn of ">ur piominei't Wr t - tern cities, v/as one Sui rtsy p».rpuai!cd to ftltond church by his ooutiiu, who- vas then vioii Jr^ at hi 3 house. The day *ns unusually warm, and he being very tired, havirg been ir» t ao railroad disasters the week, be fell asleep. Tbe minister, waxing warm with his subject, began to shout, and as he finished Lia sentence with & shout and stamp, the conductor rose at once, and shouted, " Put on the brakes, John, quick 1 we're off the track."

Everyone who has read Mr. George Ticknor Cnrtis's Life of Daniel IVdnter will remember John Taylor, Mr. Webster's tenant and factotum at Franklin, New Hampshire, and Kobert Wise, the old Revolutionary soldier who came home from the war with Captain Ebenezer Webster, Mr, Webster's father, and built for himself a little cottage on one coiner of the Webster farm, where he lived and died. Skirting the Webster property, and passing by the spot where Robert Wise took up his humble abode, there had long been an ancient ferry way, leading to a ferry across the Merrimao Biver. The ferry was established daring the last century, and after Robert Wise had lived there for nome time it came to be called Wise' 3 Ferry. The ferryway wa3 originally fenced on both sides, and it ran between the Webster farm and a farm belonging, at the time of which we aro about to 3peak, to Deacon Farley. Tne fence on Webster's side of tho ferryway had beeu allowed to fall into decay, but the fence on the Farley side had been well kept up. In the ye?r 18-18, after a bridge had been built across the river, tbe town voted to dit'contiuna tho ferryway and the ferry, and the land reverted, of course, to the original owner. Deacon Farley, assuming that the land belonged to himself, removed all traces of tho fence on his own eido, and incluJed ths whole of the land in hia own territory np to the line whero the Webster fence formerly stood. Mr. Webßler came up to Franklin soon after this had been done, and waa greatly incensed by what he saw. He ordered John Taylor into his sitting-room, and said to him, sternly, " John Taylor, how ocrne you to stand still and let Dpacon Farley steal my land I " Mr. Webster was in one of his Blackest moods. Poor Taylor was terribly frightened, for in all his life he had never seen his great friend ia such ft towering passion. Mr. Webster ordered him, in tones of thunder, to go and bring Deacon Farley. The deaoon ciirae, and he too was saluted with a burst of wrath that made him tremble. He modestly replied that he believed the land was his ; but Mr. Webster could not be pacified. Thereupon the deacon and John Taylor jumped into a waggon and drove in great alarm to Eec a young lawyer of the namo of Pike (now Senator in Congress from New Hampshire), who lived two and a half miles up the river. They told Pike that he must go down and see Mr. Wcbbter and endeavor to explain the matter. Pike went, but as soon 33 he waa in Mr. Webster's presence, the latter roared out, " Young man, d : d you adviae Deacon Farley to eteal my lari'l ? " " No, sir," said Pike ; "I did not. But if the facts that were laid before mo are true, tho land belongs to the deacon." " Well, 3ir," replied Webater, " if I can find a lawyer in thia country, I shall bring an. actiou." " Tr.ere i 3 no need of that, Mr. Webfter,' 1 sf.id Pike. •' I will get the proper documents, snd submit them to you, if you will hear me, and I believe you will be convinced that the land ia not youra." " You are a bold man, sir, if you propose to leave tho caee to me," said Mr. Webster. " But do as you please. I give you fair warning lhat I consider this land as mine, and I will fight for every inch of my father's proptity.' 1 Pike went away and procured a copy of the record which showed the laying out of the ferryway, and that all the land was taken from the property of Farley's quarter and none of it from the Webster property, a copy of the vote of tho town discontinuing the forry, and an aflidavit ol a former tenant of Webster's showing that the fence on the Web'iior side had been removed and the whole ferry way taken into the Webster field. The. strip of land which tbe discontinuance of the ferryway took off from what Mr. Webpfer had always regarded as his own property extended the whole length of one of his best fields. When Pike submitted the documents to Mr. Wcbeter, the latter road them very carefully, and then said : "Mr. Pike, in half an hour the jury will be ready to render their verdict. Go aud get Deacon Farley that he may hear it."' In half an hour Pike returned with the deaoon, who expected nothing but a repetition of what he had met before. " Gentlemen," paid Mr. Webster, "hearken to the verdict. The jury find that the land is Deacon Farley's, and is not the land ol Daniel Webster. So saya the foroman, so pays all the jury. And now, Deacon Farley, I have an apology to make to you for having treated you very roughly. But I never dreamed that thia land was not a part of my father's farm, and you know what my affection for this property is. I was very angry,, but I hopo you will excuse me."

Another new anecdote of Daniel Webster ia recorded here merely to illustrate his unfailing dignity of manner and the magnificence of his liberality in common things. Journeying once Lorn New York to Boaton in the eais, he occupied a Beat with a gentleman, who relates the story, to whom he said not & word until the train was approaching New Haven. Turning to him then, in his profoundest voice he asked, "Can you tell me, eir, of any place in New Haven tCnere I can get a glass of iiret-rate brandy ? I am not feeling well." Ilis companion did happen to know a little houee opposito the Ftation, famous in those days to the initiated, where tho unadulterated could be had, and it being without sign, he told his inquirer how to find it — to enber the door and go upsteira to the little front room, and ask for a glass of the best brandy. " And str.y ! tell the man to give it to you out of the black bottle under the counter." Tnere was not rnuo\i time to lose, but Webhtcr found tho place, and mounting to the little room, Bhtonished the keeper by the magnificent depth of tone and air of authority with which bo asked for a glass of brandy, and that, too, without delay. "And stop, sir," eaid (he fctatebrean, slowly raising hio hand, and pointing with his eloquent finger, "I want it from that Uaek bottle under the counter." The awed ketper oboyed. The great man poured a neaily lull tumbler, poured it down with-expanding satisfaction, threw a bill on the counter, and turned to deacecd. " atop, Eir," cried the man — " your change." Webater turned with portentous solemnity, and in the touo that often thiilled the Senate, excl&inied, "No, uir. A man who gives a glass of brandy like that to a thirsty traveller should ue\er give change for a dollar." ■When the astonished bar-keeper related the incident, ho learned who hid imposing customer v, as.

"Might 1 auk who lives here?" neked & polito gentleman of a stranger ho met in front of a handsome mansion. "Certainly, sir," as politely replied the other. " Who is it, sir ?" '• Damcd if I know," replied the strangoi.

'• Nur^e," said a penitent Western miner, a» he lay in the hospital after an accident, " I'll never draw a revolver on a niun again as long as lino." Th.2 nurse expressed her pleasmo in this moral resolution, when tho patient went fen to cay : ' Guess I'll go for the galoot with a two-eoatter shotgun." —Saturday Mwicw,