CLIPPINGS.

Waikato Times, Volume XXV, Issue 2064, 29 September 1885, Page 4

CLIPPINGS.

An Lishman, playing .ifc cards, and finding tlie [)«ol deficient, exclaimed, '• Heie's a shilling slioit! Who put it in?" A coiUv in the country lias declined to he re \accinated at the request of her misties*, alleging as a reason that she was not a inemlii i of the Chuich of England ! Some idea of the warlike condition of Europe may be gained fiom the f.u't that the various governments last year expended in aimaments $i)l7,r>fl!>,9Ss. Out of this KuMia spent about $h57,.">00,0C0, France .5ir»7,."i00,000, and England 511'2,.-)00,<-00. Tiik following sentences were pa«sed l>y the Recordei of Liverpool on the same day at the late sessions- —1. Eugene Quinn, for stealing fiom his employer t'Sli'i, eight months' imprisonment. '2. Biidget C. Thompson, for stealing a pair of boots, tvvtlve months' imprisonment. 3. Samuel l'urcell, for stealing a fowl, twelve months. Hk looked earnestly at the two glass hand gienades that hung on the walls of the couidor of the theatie. "How thoughtful," he said, "of the manage mmt to piovide bottles of water in case of faintnc-s among the ladies " " Them's Kre extinguishers," interrupted the attendant. When a fiie breaks out 3'ou throw a bottle on itand they puts it out." " Any kind of fire ?" " Yes ; big or little." " Then I'll have half a do/en put into my coffin." M. Clcmenecau, the French statesman, touched a sore "-pot in tho Legislative Chamber recently, w hen he opened tho subject of the comparative loss and gain of French Coloninl exploition. Statistics ihow tint e-ich Fiouoh anr'^"lt«ral piodncer settled m Algeria lequired, or at any rate was .allowed, two French sol diers for his protection, and this, too, after fifty yeais of hard fighting and colonising. A still more recent "triil balance " of the net tesulta of colonial enterprise is supplied by a report, made at the instance of the Lyons Chamber of Commerce, upon the trade of Tomtuin. The report was produced by a merchant specially sci.t out to investigate the matter, and it seems to be in every wny leliable. It shows that the imports of Tonquin consist of cotton goods and hardwaie fiom England and (tcnnnny, oil and soap from the United States, a few miscellaneous articles from Switzerland, and f 10111 France nothing but brandy, and very little of that. Naturally when these commercial results are contiasted with the actual cost, in men and treasure, of the Tonquin war, it is seen th.it France has been a heavy loser in the transaction. !

A Pheru vrTki- \sria no\ —A correspondent, wiiting to the Pans Temps fiom Cochin China, reveals .1 curious custom which is stated to be still in use in the kingdom of Anam. When the Ainmito Consul was expelled fiom Saigon laht June he was obliged to dispose lustily of his fm nituie, his carriage s, and his belongings generally. Included in these were fifteen living crocodiles, which sorely embarrassed him, for he could find no purcha«ei foi them. Ho hail bought them for the Empcior Tv Due, who not only had a paitiality but a use for these amphibious animals. In his palace, it is narrated, there is a large piece of water, which may bo best described as the Koyal strong box. Here the sovereign keeps his reserve treasuic, which is only to be touched 111 case of absolute necessity. Trunks of tiecs are hollowed out, and the money not intended foi immediate use is placed in them, the fives being tin own into the water. To keep away thieves, and pi event the king hlmsi If from being tempted to ('raw upon this reset vc fund without sti/heient cause, a number of crocodilts arc kept in the water, their presence there and tho ceitainty of being eaten alive acting as a wholesome restiainer, and insuring the security of the Royal treasure in a most effectual manner. When it bccoims indispensable to draw upon this novel sort of bank, the crocodiles have to be killed : but tins can only be done with the Kmpeior's peimission, and after the matter had been duly delibeiated upon and approved of by the Minister of Finance

CoLI.K TIM! \ DHir IN Tl-XAs —" I ail) a quiet, unostentatious man, and never harm anybody," said the intiuder, moistening the palms of his hands and taking a tinner grasp of the axe helve, '• but if you don't come down w ith $17 to soothe my located feclmgß, there will be trouble here in Austin." " Was the boy bitten so badly by my dog?" askid the teirified owner of the anim.il, who is one of the most timid in Austin. "He was bitten just £17 worth," replied the intiuder, swinging the weapon about his head. " Heie is jour money," replied the owner of the dog. The intruder put the monej in his pocket, and was about to leave when the propnetor of the dog lcmaiked : " I hope your son was not bitten biullv," " Why he ain't my son. I haven't got any son." " Whose son is it then, and how did you conic todennnd the n.oiu'y of me.'" •' He is a son of a filend of mine, who owed me *.17, and he diiln t have any money. The only avail able assets he had weie those dog bites of his sou s body, and he turned them over to me for collection.' 1 "Well, I deulate !" " And stranger," continued the man with the aye handle, "if you 0/ any of your family ever get bitten by a dog, and you want the damages collected p'.omptly fiom the owner of the dog, let me know, and I w ill do it for 2.1 per cent, net, and futnish my own axe handle." — Texas Siftings.

A Jmvi h ot a Smv. ant. —A gentleman in Austin has a new seivant, and the other day he undertook to coach him in regard to certain creditors who invariably hounded him the first of each month with aggravating bills. "Now," said he to his set v ant, " if a man should call for me to-day, you tell him I'm not at home," " Vis, hoi," icplied the man. Fearing a misundeistanding 111 some way, he again said • "Now, Pat, what will you tell the man when he calls?' "Till him I am not at home, .sor." "No, no, blockhead, tell him that I, myself, nm not .it home.' "All roight, sor." "Now, what will you say to him ?" "I, myself, am not at home." " Pshaw ! Tell him your boss is not in. Understand that, donkey ? Now, what will you say? "Your boss is not 111. Understand that, donkey ?" " Fool ' that's not 1 ight. Say to him, ' I am out.' Can you do that?" " Via, sor." " Well, let's hear you." "I am out." " Thundeiation ! Can't you understand* Tell him your mastet \n out." Now, what will yon say.'" "Your master is out." " No, you don't say anything of the kind, you ignoramus. Tell the man that I hay c left the house" " Certainly, I'll tell him that I have left the house, but he won't belie v« me when he sees me in the house." "Pshaw! Cant you simply say I have gone out for a walk ?" "Thin he'll think I am a lying, sor." " How so." "Why, whin I tell him I have gone out for a walk?' "< Jre.it Potiphar ! You aie the stupidest fool I everkiuw. See heie, I don't want to see any of th* 1 people that will call to-day, and I want them to understand that there's no use of them calling, an they won't find me at home Can you give them an ambiguous answer in your own words?* "Isit an ambiguous answer? I should say I could, if you jist lave it tome." "Well, what will you hay?" " I'll say, when they ax mcif you are in : 1 Yes, the boss is in, but he has committed bigamy, an'gone oil on a weddin' tour wnl a vviddy woman, an' if they don't attest him for the ambiggity, ye/, 'ill iievu see the color ny his hair again.' That'll fetch 'cut."—TexasSiftings. Yes ! It is certainly true. Ask any of your friends who luvt- purchased there. Garlitk and Cranni'll li.ivc nunn rons un.iskcd for and very favourable commendations from ronntry customers »n their excellent p.irkmir of Furniture, Crorkory, and Ola 1;';, &r. Ladies any ?rntlemen about to furnish should rcmembrr tint Onrlirk and Cnnnell's is THh Cheap Furnishing Warehouse- of Auckland furniture to suit all rlasscs ; also Caipcts, Floor Cloths and all House Necessaries If new house is nearly finished, or, you arc going to get married, visit Garlick .md Cranvvoll, Quetn-street and Lorne-strect, Aurkland. Intending purchasers can have a catalogue I tea free.