TAPPING VESUVIUS.

Waikato Times, Volume XXV, Issue 2057, 12 September 1885, Page 5 (Supplement)

TAPPING VESUVIUS.

By TjinoDonus OrTniE, in Diprnsc's Amt'ial.

Of course I am aware that this ia tho nine teenth century ; that there is a London School Board ; that an extension of the franchise has been a subject of discussion ; that a re-dis-tribution of Parliamentary seats is an arrangement not so far off, probably, as tho millennium. Nevertheless, he knooked at my door two days before I was taken with a bad time of it in bed. and asked for me in a very civil key. " Mr. Optime ? " he said. '• That's him then," said my housekeeper, who cornea from an islaud equally oelebrated for the greenness of its grass, and the everlasting willalooing of its active inhabitants. <• Will you let him have that card ? " *■ Vis," said my housekeeper, in a tone which I knew to be hers when she put on her war paint, and buried tho calumet of peace. At that moment it did not ocour to me that she found my caller disfavoured. I assumed she was angered by the absence of Anna Jane the housemaid, who had run round to see after her mother, and suggest names for the new arrival. I Mrs, O'Blisther has been my housekeeper for a great number of years. Ido not say that I have been instrumental in bringing about this length of service. Indeed were I taken before a commission for the administration of oath?, and were I then compelled to make an affidavit, I am afraid I should bo trespassing over the boundi of truth, if I swore that there have never oeen times when I have wished Mrs. O'Blisther a great deal farther than probably the good woman ever wantpd to go. O'Blisther has good qualities. I would not deny that proposition. But you never know when they are to be put down and when riot ia to reign supreme. When Mrs. OB. goea off, which Bhe does as frequently as metropolitan trains, there is no knowing what may happan. lam not aware whioh is most disconcerting, Maria Dolore3 (for these are her baptismals) in her tantrums, or this good woman down in a fit of momentary penitence; in the lump, wholesale; under the second condition, Bhe merely droops upon your neck, bursts into some very scalding tear?, and forgives the sufferer. My butcher says Mrs. OB. is " a 'ot un as 'ot as they make 'em." The milkman, a mild creature, observes of her, "really yer see which there never was don't yer know; " while the grooer'a boy puts it, that she is a " fair scoroher." She herself has indignantly retailed all this small-beer scandal, and asked me why my hair don't stand on end ? An answpr to the effeot that I am mo3tly bald has never made any mollifying impression upon Maria Dolores— so far as I have yet discovered. However, she will allow nobody else to annoy me beyond herself Bit really I rather think I should prefer the other arrangement, upon oondition that Mrs. OB. were struck dumb, and remained so. We could provide her with a slate and a bit of chalky She knows enough English for that. It is the languago ohe speaks when not lotting off her Celtio, which ia, I am of the opinion, of a deleterious charaacter. Miria is a good cook. We all have some batter qualities. L*t mo admit that I like good cooking ; but O'Blisther is very dreadful over it. She always asks for cooking advices through ft keyhole, plunging in mtdias res with awful promptitude. For instance : " Will ye 'aye 'urn spatchcocked or grilled ?" Thi3 is a very alarming enquiry ooming in mysterious whiff* through a keyhole. It requires great presence of mind to discover at a blow, that it ha* no reference to murder, but is flimply ft kitchen inquiry, as to how a two-pouud eel, forwarded a3 a present, is to be served up. I have given "Uiria forty-six solid separato formal notices to go. But she remains. The things she has done with those notices ! The ignominious uses to which she haß applied them I Once I threatened to send for a policeman. She flew at once to the ponderous kitchen poker, and I was besieged in my own library for three hours. Then there came an entreaty through the key-hole. " Maather, honey— when are ye comin' to lunch? Sure tho baautifullest kidney and steak puddin's jist askin' to bo eaten." And when I came out— douche, Maria Dolore 3 was more than ever repentant, and my shirt collar wa3 damped dowa below en durance. Such i 3 Maria Dolores O'Blisther. But what of myself ? Let me at once say that I am a person of proporty, and that I have devoted my life to tho writing, printing, and publishing of books which once I hoped posterity would admire, if only for a change. My genius has not allowed me to quail, or tho world would have had little of my help. Only the small critics havo noticed my works, and they have jumped upon me. I doubt if the big critics are aware of my existence. Nevertheless, ray work on "The Advisability of Annihilation" might have lived, while my four volumes "Is there an is, or is there nst?" were never equalled. But I diverge. The visitor wag shown in. He had a decided limp— the loft foot. I may add that in reference to this halting gait, he observed that he had been thrown out of a phaeton—" in fact" said he—" I had a fall in life." I must say that hta grin as he said this was most alarming. He quite altered a very distinguished set of highly intellectual, if startling, foatures. He was dressed in a suit of that speckled oloth,' known as pepper and salt, while his neck-tie was of thunder and lightning shot silk— very effective, like a topaz that had been dipped in ink. He carried an elegant crookhandled stick, with which I noticed ho grabbed at the furniture, after the manner of a shepherd. His nose was decidedly hooked, and perhaps his eyes were too near each other for the general taste. His teeth— bless me what fangs they were. But his most remarkable individuality was a hump in the small of his back. I never remember to have remarked this sort of dorsal distinction so low down. Its shapes were peculiar, for the wellmade ooat seemed in that region to fit over a neat coil of rope. But his breeding was perfect. After the first salutations he observed " Mr. Optimo— genius has its trials, and therefore you havo yours 1 Doubtless you marvel why I call ; it ia your genius whioh compels me to this visit. I have always been misunderstood, and my intentions found disagreeable, but I flatter myself that in you, at last, I find a congenial personage. Lot me at once say that your esßay, 'The Seductiveness of Suioide' has quite taken me, while your thesis, •On the Right of Every Man to do as he Likeß' strikes mo, from my point of view, as the finest effort of unusual grasp." I replied that he did me more honour than perhaps I deserved, but that as a matter of faot my works wero not popular. '• Your vrork ' On the Necessity of »n Everlasting Pit,' " he added "is more than periection—and so Deep 1" I smiled and said that I thought that especial work of mine was profound. " I feel," said my visitor, " that we shall bo everlasting friends." " I (beg your pardon," I observed at this

point, " but will you allow m 9 to open a window?" " I don't like drauphta," replied my visitor, "but lean bear one lattice open." •' What i 3 more," said I—"I — " there is a very searching smell in tho room. I am afraid pomebody has been treading successfully upsn a box of very common lucifers 1" "Matches my dear sir— ma'cMe*. P^&y don't use the word lucifer go lightly." " Thank you," I said, and con3cion=i that I was not quite bo serene as usual. " Yot may I aak tho object of this visit." "My dear Bir — I am not a rich man, and—" "My dear sir," I replied— " if you want a subscription you are wasting your breath. I only benefit mankind by way of my printed contributions." He looked at me with remarkable grimness. "Not rich," he repeated, "but I have always sought to bo the caus9 of riches in others. I think you would use wealth just after my own heart, and I have the means of doing you a good turn 1" '• Surely you are not the promoter of a new public company ?" " No— no— no," said he, shaking his head, 11 1 am not so bad as that ; indeed, I have never been so sombre as I have ever been painted. What do you think of this?" He dropped a lump of metal on my table — and there ia the dent to this hour. " What Bhould I think ?" " My dear sir," said my visitor, rising and making me a low bow," I look upon you as my most charming pupil at present obliging the earth— and I always put my pupils in for good things. That lump of metal is an amalgam of gold, silver, platinum, and seven other of the rarer and more highly prized metals." "Indeed," said I— "but why have you mixed 'em ?" " I didn't— it is nature's own amalgam— in your interests I have been tutisg Vesuvius 1" After ho was gone, and before I took to my bed, I translated that lump of metal down to a friend of mine— an asaayer, and he at once scraped and tested for gold, silver, and three other metals, all of which he found. The proportion of gold in the mixture was 19.05. Of course at the moment I assumed that my visitor waa an escapee from Dr. Toko's asylum round the corner— but now, with the assayißt's notes before me, I cannot doubt. He seemed to tower above me as he said — " My emulsive friend, what do you know of the centre of the earth ? I suppose you will admit that there must be somethin-j there? Why not that ?" pointing to the lump. My analytical mind, so much like your own, led me to conclude that Vesuvius was an ou^et to an excitable tellurio condition of things. I have tapped Vesuvius— in the proper place, and I have run off several barrels of that vintage. All is yours upon ene condition. " Name it," said I. " That you print your works in millions and distribute them gratis, unceasingly. " But suppose I drove the world mad?" "That's the world's look-out," said he, grinning until he showed every tooth he had in his remarkable head, " I'll do it," I said. At that moment, my housekeeper, whose footsteps I had just previously heard in the passage, spoke. " Have 'urn divilled 1" Suoh was the remarkable recommendation which came through the keyhole. " Bles3 me," said my caller. " What is this visitation ? Where are we now ?" "I believe," said I, "that it is my housekeeper making some enquiry as to lunch 1 It is her manner." " And very bad manners too," said the visitor, with remarkable tendency towards irritation ; " why do you not squirt at her ?" " You do not know Mrs. O'Blisther, " said I, with a deprecatory smile. " I cannot say that I deplore that indisputable fact. She would discompose the nerves of a hippopotamus^' " Or what would ye be sayin' to a toad in the hole now ? " " Tell her to go," said her visitor, with inoreasing agitation. * " Ye?," said I, " very much ro, Mrs. O'Blisther. But clear away, I'm busy now." " Not till ye tell me if yo'll have the cod barbecued or minced will I stir a step from yer old door." " Half minced " said I, " and half the other." " Ye fool," says Maria, " how can that be — doesn't barbocued mean from head to tail ? " Here the visitor took out his handkerchief, flame colored, wish a spiky border, and appeared to shake out peifume. " Bedad," says the departing voice of Maria Dolores, " there's a chimney o' fire somewbeie, anyhow, and a mighty bad smell in the neighborhood to be sure." " An awful creature, and most disreputable, evidently. Why do you not get rid of her ? " " You are a little too severe," said I. " A most delightful oook ; will you stop to lunch and let her toss up a little something for you ? " " Thank you, no. I like my viands hot and fiery." " Hor currioa are tremendous ; and let me assure you that she has the personal advantage of being the possessor of a considerable portion of a spoke from the original St. Catherine's Wheel 1 " 41 Ha I I thought she was nasty. Why don't you burn it ? However," with a sigh of relief, " she appears to be off. So much the better. You accept my terms ? " " I do," I said. " One volume at least a quarter. Have you any on the anvil ? " I smiled and said : " Practically, I have seventy-five volumes in a solid state of preparation." My remarkable visitor shut his eyes up with evidont ecstasy, placed the tips of his fingers delicately together, smiled serenely and asked " May I dare hope to hear the titles of one or two of them ? " I bowed and observed : II What do you say to " On the Knowableneßß of the Unknowableness.' " " Ker-perfect," said my visitor. " Or," I continued, " ' On the Necessity of Nothingness.' What do you say to that ?" "I pity the wretch who would not read it twice, and sit up all night to do it, with pleasure." I give you his exact words. I was moved. I shall never see him again— at least, I hope not. I think I may look upon mine as a fortunate esoape. I believe Maria Dolores saved me from a tremendous inoonvenience. Nevertheless, I am touched as I remember my remarkable visitor's emotion, when he heard the title of that remarkable book. " Pray let it be bound in oalf," he added. " Delighted," said I, " but may I have the great pleasure of personally dedicating that great work to you ?" He shut his eyes. •' I am not worthy," said be, " but my admiration for you commands. Dedicate it to me in letters of gold. You have my oard— Mr. Caycholker. " Mr. Ole Cayoholker/' I said, reading the oard. A foreign gentleman, I presume, though your acoent is perfect." " Thank you, no, I am not settled in England — where my family hava never been popular. If I had a son he should be called Milton Cayoholker." " Cayoholker itself," saidl, '• is a very exceptional name." "It is Indo-Chaldean. and means recom-

mendation to a hot placa, in the dati cage. Pray do not open another window." " Bat do you not perceive that the room is getting unpleasantly— shall we say, Caycholkery, if you will allow me to coin the expression?" " You have done it, without waiting for my permission. A man ot your literary standing, my dear Sir Theodorua— l b?g your pardon. No, you have Dot received a baronetcy yet. Let me temporarily say my dear Mr. Theodorus Optitne— a man of your lit?rary taste ought to be above word juggling. Let us leave each other's name alone. For instance, I could willingly take objection to Theodorua, but I don't. I should prefer Jonah, as being less of a take in. But where are we now?" I observed that " Wa were where we were." "Then let va continue," said my visitor, with a smile. "Do you like old fashions? 1 ' " Some," I ob3erved, with learned guardedness. "Well— do you object to the sweet old fashion of signing your name to important documents in human gore ?" Mad of coune— that was my immediate conclusion. Bit a madman may tap Vesuvius, and there was the metal before me. " Ah 1 I see," said I, bearing with him, " I understand. lam to Bign a document in my own gore, giving you all my ethereal composition when it, or I, or something or other, has done with my corporeal demonstration 1" "Hal" said my visitor, "I see you hare been up." "Up where?" " To one of the 'Varsities." " Camford," said I. "I am glad to hear it. I have personally always had more business at that shop than the other. Oxbridge id too canonical for me." " It is said to be that way," I conceded, 11 but I ignore Oxbridge." " How it must suffer," replied Caycholker. " But I should like to know, Optimo, when thi3 signature is to bo put on. I have the document here. Shall I produce it ?" "At your leesure," I said, with cautious dignity. "L°esure," he replied. "Very neat. An admirer of the late Earl Hussell's English? We were never great friends, but by Pluto wh&t chums Pam and I were, to be sure. They called him Cupid when I first knew him — and down to tho last wo were near partners. Ha 1 no man before his time ever did set the world by the ears like Pam Flush. I gave him the name at D'Oreay'a— l) Orsay and Blessington were also great pals of mine. Ha ! people lived in those days. Here is the document. You will pardon its six-and-eight air, will you not ? You see our Themyssus has been such a tyrant ever since she dropped in amongst us. Poor Themysaus— but she does get calls even from chancellors, since poor Eastbury went down with a cessarara. Where's the gore ?" " I have not any about," said I. " Fiddle dee-dee," says Caycholker, ' you're pale enough, but you must, at leaat, have a penful in your veins." " Don't be personal," said I, " and that I beg, signor." " A flick of the nose, now," said he, " might do it." I started back, and in some alarm, so that I bit off an appreciable atom of the tip of my tongue. " There's the point of it," said he, " put your pen in your mouth, and call it a red inkstand. Write your name plain, for what with bad handwritings, and worse clerking, we are as much tormented with official documents as your own preciou3 pottering governments." "Precious pots, indeed," said I. "Why the head of every department has sent mo back presentation copie3 of my books I Do you want my remarkable signature in full? " "As full as you like. I have always said in my department— the more the merrier." I had just planted my prepared pen upon the paper, and as I noticed that my visitor began mopping himself over the forehead (as though suffering from deep mental agitation), when that preparatory suiff came through the key-hole whioh I have known for numberless years to ba the premonitory symptom of a cavernous remark from Maria Dolores, Mrs. 0 Blisther. " Howly St. Pathrick," sush was her adjuration—" hwhat a divill of a smell o' brimstone 1 " Suoh was the simple utterance of that remarkable woman ! There was an all-round crash ! When I recovered enough to feel about for myself, I was ou my back, amazed, staring, looking about, examining, speechless— and alone. Was it dynamite? I think not, because the house was there. . But then— dynamite is such an up-and-down arrangement, and so very eccentric. But my visitor was gone — all but a very searching perfume. "Hwhat are ye on the floor for, sor 7 " sayo my housekeeper — an hwhat have ye done with the strange gentleman ? " " He appears to have retired," said I. " Beat his soul if he's havin' one." " And I think I'm ooming too, Maria— you'll find it behind my great work on 'Atoms in the Middle of Next Week.' I'll take it neat." "Bedad— no wonder I couldn't find it. Anyhow, it's a curious day we're havin'. Hwhat'a your eyebrows singed off for ? " " Are they so ! " said I— and indeed when I looked in the glass I appeared to be an Arabian Nights' calender— though I am free to admit that I never knew what a calender was. But I remember distinctly that he never wore eyebrows." Mine have grown again, but they have come up awfully scumbled. Was it dynamite? His total vanishment points that way. For instance, Myrson K. Paige, oil-operator, Pennsylvania says, " The mysterious nature of dynamite has completely puzzled scientific observation and study, and I do not believe to-day (1884) that any satisfactory explanation can be given of it. This singular feature is the almost complete annihilation of matter, especially of the human body. When a man lets fall a can of nitro-glycerine, there is not enough left of him to cover the bottom of a snuff box." But as to Caycholker— if it was dynamite, or nitro-glyoerine, why did not the house go ? To be sure, the window was open, and it might have all taken that direction. But then the neighhors never complained of any racket I Perhapt he was town traveller for a dynamite house, and perchance his samples did go off ? I wasn't well for a long time. I kept fancying myself somebody else. I have been thinking lately a good deal. I am halfiuclined to burn all my books, and write a "History of St. Patrick"— to whom I oertainly feel myself beholden. Anyhow I shall never visit Naples. It is too near Vesuvius for me !

Lemon Pie.— Two lemons; grate off the outer peel ; chop the rest very fine ; put two tablespoonfuls of corn starch in one teaoup of hot water, and boil ; when cool add two teacups of white sugar, tho beaten yolks of four eggs, then add tho chopped peel and juice ; stir well together ; bake till the crust is dona — only one orust ; beat the whites of the four eggs to a stiff froth add five tablespoonfuls of sugar, stirring in well ; pour over the pis while hot ; set in the oveo to brown,