Bill Nye's Budget.

Waikato Times, Volume XXIV, Issue 2021, 20 June 1885, Page 6 (Supplement)

Bill Nye's Budget.

TIIE ETIQUETTE 01' WHIST. Thebe are certain suggestions and notes relative to the manner of playing the modern, ■dentine game of whist, which we do not find io the dr y rules kid down by our beat writers. While they tell us the mechanical operations of playing and how to make the most of the cards held, they do not tell us what _ small talk should be inserted between hands in order to lighten the sombre routine of play. For inatanoe, should the denier spill the cards on the floor, while trying to shuffle them, many would not know what to say in order to relieve him of his embarrassment. You should at that time ask him if you had not better procure him a bushel basket for him to shuffle in. This will at once produce roars of laughter, and the game will proceed smoothly. Mr Pole has omitted such puggpstions as these, and I have taken the responsibility of making a few. Should you wish to gain the esteem and admiration of your partner and other loveia of whist, occasionally ask, " What's trumps ? " and yawn, so that tho players may admire the filling in your wisdom teeth. This shows your intense interest in the game, and gives your partner perfect faith and childlike confidonce in your play. The game may be greatly enhanced by the hesitation of a player whsn a new suit is introduced, and hig bright, crisp, aud original remark that he'll be hanged if he remembers whether the aoe of that has been played or not. This will show every one that an Allwise Providence, Bering that you would not know what to do with an intellect if you had it, saw fit to give yours to a cow. If your adversaries gain the rubber, and one of them does the scoring, make the remark that it is half in counting, and suggest that you will keep tho books yourself hereafter. This joke is still in good repair, and you oan now get it with your pack of cards and counters of any first-class dealer. The game of whist is very much brightened up by these rtmarks, and I would no more tbink of getting whist cards, (to 1 , without securing the jokes that go with the pack than I would go into the minstrel business without " Noah's Joke Book" and Adam's great work entitled " Mirth Without a Master ; or Every Man Hi* Own Damphool.' ' Should your partner trump & trick which is already your own, show your superior knowledge of the game by abusing her, if she be a lady. This will convince her that you are a gentleman, and that you know more about the game of whtat than you do about common decency. The blood of but one human being is upon my handa. It is the blood of a man who played whist against me one evening, and scolded his partner till the tears came into her beautiful eyes. He claimod he had a right to do so because she was hi 3 wife, but that didn't make any difference with the coroner's jury. She makes a mighty fine looking widow, and I do not regret the part I took in the tragedy. There are two kinds of brute vertebrates. One wears hair, and has the decency to stay out of doors; the other wears clothes, and makes money, and insists on coming indoors and playing whist and abusing his partner. One hangs by his tail to a forest tree, and behaves himself; the other hangs by his puree-string to decent society, and makes himself obnoxious. Should your mind wander while playing the game of whist, so that you foolishly throw away a trick, third hand, take baok your card and substitute another, laughing merrily all the time. Your remains will look muoh better when arranged for the tomb, if you die with a smile on your face. If you wish to be loved by all who know yon, and if you wish to secure an early immortality, insist on throwing away tricks in third hand, yawn till the top of yoor head settles out of Bight, and occasionally ask, " What's trumps ? " Lots of people of that kind have died suddenly during the past five years, and many thought their deaths were caused by some secret society, but they were not. It's getting so now that if a man plays whist that way the life insurance companies will not insure him, and I don't blame them. I'd as soon insure the man who goes around with hia coat-tail pookets full of Czar bursting bomb*. — Bill Nyt in New York Mercury.