Stump's Political Career.

Waikato Times, Volume XXIV, Issue 2003, 9 May 1885, Page 2 (Supplement)

Stump's Political Career.

BY MAX ADETim.

11 Wnvr business are you engaged in, Mr. Stump ?" I asked of that gentleman when he called on me, the other day, to get some information about a remedy for rheumatism which he heard that I had used with good effect. "Well," he said, scratching hig head thoughtfully, " not mudh of anything juct at present. Most of my life I've followed the profession of a candidate ; been in politics, running for this thing and that, pressing my claims on the public, and trying to save the country ; but I nevar had any finocsss to brag of. "Now, when I was a young man, I had a notion I could git elected President. I had fixed it in my mind that me and Dan'l Webster should be put on tha same ticket, and I felt if the Whigs'd go before the country with ' Stump and Webster' us their war-cry, Dan'l and me could sail right into the White House. Somehow, though, I never could git those politicians to see it. One man voted for me in the convention, but they said it was the doorkeeper, and he was drunk. So I saw it waa no me, and I began to work the Legislature to- get elected United States Senator. I spent a thousand dollars down there tryiDg to set the thing up, and the whole lot went b»ok on me, and picked out a rich old buzzard who hadn't half the merit I had. - " So then I gave it up, and I concluded to try to be Mayor of this here town. I got up petitions, and paid for brass bands to give me complimentary serenades, and I worked up the enthusiasm so's it seemed's if I would go into that office a-snorting. Then the fellers that was running the convention cheated me out of the nomination, and I bolted and appealed to the people. I run as an independent candidate. It was the most exciting election you ever saw. Everybody was fairly wild. I'd a b3t my life on gettiDg a majority. But when they counted the returns, I only had three votes. I know there must a been cheating, because I voted for myself— that waa one ; aud my brother Bill, he voted for me three time3— that waa four. Robbed, sir ! Gouged right out of it ! That's the way the3B politicians play it upon the public. " Then I made up my mind that the coroner3hip was the place for me, and I was nominated. That was an off-year in politics, and the party was beaten for the first time in ten years ; so, 'a I was pretty hard up, I said I'd take a job as constable. But I don't know how it was. They laid me out somehow, and Jim Bachus cot the plaoe. So then the Mayor kinder took compassion on me, and appointed me dog-catcher. " Dog-catcher, mind you ! A man who, if heM a had his own, would a run for President, with Dan'l Webster for Vice — a man who'd been serving his country in public life for thirty-five or forty years, fetohed up at the end of his career as a grabber of stray dogs I Had to go round prowling for unmuzzled pups. Awful, isn't it? And they talk about the beauty of Republican government 1 Thunder 1 why, it a man like me 'd a lived over yer in Europe, mo3t any one of them kings 'd a jumped at me for to hold the helium of state. Very likely I'd a been a grßnd duke or a count, or something like that, and lived in a palace. " But here I am, stuck down in thia beastly land as a snatcher of curs ! I'm disgusted with such a government. I wish Gen'l Washington had died when he was a baby. It's all his fault. I feel 's if he hadn't treated mo right. It's too late to take it out of him, but I warm up those dogs in a way that's awful to ccc. Let me get my grip on a bullterrier or a liver*-colored setter, and the way I let that animal know how bilious aud mad I am k just inhuman. There isn't a dog about this town but wishes to gracious Dan'l Webster and me had been elected. It 'd a been meat, and drink, and happiness for them. " Much obliged for the liniment. But don t you ever run for office. Now mind me. You'll strike for Senator, and the first thing you know you'll be currying the town scavenger's mules at four dollars a week, and your heatt broke. It's the most uncertain thing on earth." Then Mr. Stump withdrew.