Humor. Little Johnny.

Waikato Times, Volume XXIV, Issue 1967, 14 February 1885, Page 6 (Supplement)

Humor. Little Johnny.

The personal Foreunes and political Views of p.n American wrecked on the Island of Madagascar— Ho expounds the Theory of Government to which he has been accustomed—With his Recognition of a Compatriot, the Story abruptly ends— Brief Narrative of the Camel and the Politician —The Charges against Governor Cleveland exhaustively explained by our Young Contributor's Uncle Edward — The Facts frankly admitted, but a Plea made of mitigating Circumstances.

U\ Uncle Ned, which has been in In jay and evry were, he says one time there was a feller from the Unitid St»te wich wa3 a ship rweck onto the iland of Madgigaaker, and all tho other men in the ship thay was drownded. So the wite feller he sed to his self, " I gess there aint no Bho for me to get a way, so lie jest go into the middle of the iland and take up a hunderd an sixty akera of land." So he traveled four weeks, and then he come to a big town, and he seen a big house in the middle, and he Bed, " I spose thata the land ofice. He go in and fix the boas clerk ;" but wen he got in the town the natif niggers collerd him an took him to the big house their own self s, cos it was their king'B palloug, and the spokesman he said to the king, " We have fetched you one of them goda wioh is some times woshed a shore long the coast." The king he looked at the wite feller a wilo, and then ho sed to the Prime Minster, " Take him out and lick him til he promises to give us good wether and a big weat harvist." Then the wite feller he epoke up an sed, " I aint one of them kind of gods, the one wich cude have done that for you was et by a shark wile he was in the wotter. Ime tho duck wich confera the blessings of good guvment." Then tho king he sed, "If that's so we haint got no use for you, cos we are inity wel fixed that way."' But one of the peeples he shuke his head and sed, " I dont kno bout that, I gess we better lick him for luck, and hear wot ho haa got for to say." Then the wite feller ho sed, •' Never mine bout the lickin, lie jest wave ol cerrimony and prommiso you the blesainß of good guvment any how if you will do as I say, jest sech a guvment as I have bestodo onto my whersbipers in tho United States. Wot kind of a king is this chap ? " Then the people's spokesman he said he was a mity good one, wich kanew the bisness, cos he had ben kingin all his life. " Then turn him out at once,' 1 the wite feller sed, " an put in a man wich one haf of you bleeves to be a gum dasted rascle." The natif niggero thay wa3 a stonish, and thay sod there w&sent no sech man in the country, cos wen ever sech a man shodo hi3sef in the streets ho was all ways took immcdate and skun a live. The wite feller he thote a wilo, an bime by he spoke up an sed, " Got any of them skins ? " and thay sed yes, the last ono had ben kep in the roge'B gallery, and the wite man he sed, " Stuf it and lect it Preadent for four ycara, &nd then you wil have liberty." The spokeman he said, "We have got libberty now— wot is a Presdent? " Jest then a nigger wich carried a grip sack come in, and he spoke up an sed, "In my country we have got a Prcsdent— wot is libberty?"' Then the wito feller he wolked over and shook the nigger wich last spoke's hand and sed, " Ime dog on glad for to see you, ole man, how was things going when you lef New York?" And now lie Jel you a little story bout a cammle wich was a sho. One time a man wich hadent never seen one he came in and seen the cammle, and the man was a pollytition, but a pollywog is a other thing. The man he lukod at the cammle a long time, cos he was a stonish, and then he foun the keeper and ho sod, " Wol, the campiin has ohpend mity lifely, I see the hunch backs has orgniaed and lected their cheerman." Cammles is some times calld the ship of the dezert, but Jack Brily, wich is the wicked sailer, he cays their upper deck is the uppest wich he ever seen, and their figgcr heds is on the end of tho jib boom. Billy he tolo me that tho news paper had sotno ofllo thing 3 in it a bout Mister Cleevland, and I act him wot they was. Billy he sed, " Wel, Johnny, I red it, but there was a good many words wich I oudent under stand, but thay cant fool me, and I kanow that he has ben kisain the girls." Then I sed, "Wot a whicked man," an Billy be Bed, " Yes, in deed, less they was his siHters." Bime by Undo Ned ho come in, and I said would he let me have tho paper, cos I wanted to read bout Mister Cleevland kissin the girls. Uncle Ned he sed, " To bo shure, Johnny, to be shure, news papers is for to improof the yuthful mind. I only jest laid that paper down this minnit, but I cant exackly remember -where I put it, I'll hunt it up for you rite a way, cos yure father, wioh is a Rapuboan, wude be mity sorry if his children dident git the ful beneiit of tho nico famly readin wich his party thotfly pvides for beginners." So Uncle Ned he luked under the eofy, and then ho luked behine all the picters on the wall, and then he put his bed in the grate and luked up the chimny, and evry were, but he cudent fine the paper. Then he thot a wile, Uncle did, and then he luked at Bildad, that 3 the new dog, wich was a sleep on the rug, aud bime by Unole Ned he said, " Gome to think, Johnny, Bildad was sick this morning and wasent able to throw it up, so I Meg

he needed a dose of Repubcan litertnre, and jest gave him that uew3 paper. He seems real releefed now, and wil pretty soon wake up mity hungry, I ges«." Then Hilly ho ned, "DM Bildad fliuvo ennghf cot it, Uncle Ned ? " Undo Nod he said, "Eat it, Billy, rat it? Wei, not exickly that. Ho jest to r >k it samca you wude take cod liver oil if you had a sore a to." ™ Then I sed would he tell eg every thing wich the paper had ped bout Mister Cleevland kissin the girls, and he sed, " 0 3 7 e=?, with grate plesher, cos ita only rite for a boy v, ich has the good fortune to have a Ropubcan for a father to lern as much aa he can wile he is little, cos he wont kanow any thin» at all wen he grows up if he is hko his father. You see Gnvner Cleevland he was coin to pchool one day wen he was a hoy, and ho over took 3 girls wioh was oflle prety, an thay sassed him. Ye 3, Johnny, itd f-ad to relate, as a Deracrat Ima bound for to tel the truth if I di for it, them qerls c&Ud him a milk sop an Eed he was a frade of a petty cote on a close line. That made his blud jest boil with wrage, you never seen sech a fewrious feller as he was 1 So he threw his books and hi 3 lunch bucket in aSM fence corner and tuke after them gerls id hard as ever he cude hook it, and he cot emfl too, one to a time, and held em and kissedqH em a long time, jest like he was a workin by™ the day." Then I spoke up *n sed, " Wot amizzable scowndril for to be President 1" Uncle Ned he s°d, " Yea.my boy, it was a dastedly and infamoa3 thing for to do, but there was one mitigatin circus tent, and thata jest wot the gum dasted Rspubcan newa paper left out." Then Billy he rpoke up an sed wot was it, and Undo Ned he said, " Wy, you see them gerls was the dotters of a good Demorat, and thay liked it." But if I was gerl3 Ide rather bs a zebry, wich is the swiftest animel wich saowers the planes.— The Wasp.

A "Queer" Story. Them ig a cheap clothing dealer on Kearny, near California, whose confidence in mankind haa received a severe setback. The other day an honest-looking countryman walked into his store and said : "You remember that second-hand overcoat I bought here for $8 yesterday ? " " Never dakea pack any ting? yen vonc« solt, my Irent," said the hand-me-downer. "Oh! that's ail right. I ju°t wanted to say that I found this i> .500 bill sewed in the lining. Perhaps the owner may call for it." «' Of gorse he vil — he ha 3 call alreadty, my dear frent," exclaimed the dealer, eagerly capturing the money. " You ish yon honish man. Here, I gif you feefty tollar ash & reyard. Dot vill pc all right. When the hone3t customer got around the corner he murmured softly : "I guess I'd better take this fifty and ekip up to Portland before that Sheeney tumbles to that counterfeit. It's getting mighty hard to shove tha ' queer ' round these part?, and that's a fact. 11 — San Francisco Post.

A Milwaukee Sonnet. Man that is married to a woman is of many days and full of trouble. In the morning be draws his salary, and in the evening, behold, it is gone 1 It is a tale that is told ; it ia vanished, and no man knowa whither it goeth. He riseth up clothed in the chilly garments oljm the night, and seeketh the &omnolent pare-W goric, wherewith to scoth lub infant posterity. He cometh as a horse or ox, and draweth tba chariot" of hia oflspring. He ppencloth the shekels in the purchase of fine linen to cover the bosom of hig family ; yet himself ig seen at the gates of the city with one suspender. Yea, he is altogether wretched. — Djlioit Free Press.

He Chuckled. ,< He waa looking at a new house on Cass av2- 1 nue the other day and rubbing his hands and chuckling so gleefully that some one aaked him if he had saved $500 under the architect's estimates. "Oh, that isn't my house, but I was planning how I'd get even.," "With whom?" •'The owner. I've known him twenty yeai a. We used to be the best friends in the world, but for the last seven years I've thirsted for revenge on him. Now I'm going to have it." "How ?" "He bought that lot not knowing that I own the next one. He's building a home. He's got it set back for a lawn, and he's put on a bay window for a view up the street. Next week I begin building a cheap house to ront. I'll take the line between us for the south wall, and I'll bring my front out ten feet nearer the walk. Result : Shut in — no air — no sunshine — no view — no redress — revenge 1 What's the use of shooting or stabbing a man when you can hurt him worse 1" — Free Press. — „