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CLIPPINGS.

Almost Stationery.— Sheep-pois. A Wrono Angle. — Fishing for compliments. Motto for a Herbalist Doctor. — Thyme works wonders. A woman seldom writes her will. There is so much of it she can't. If you want to see a tclegiaph hoy run, watch him on his way to dinner. Speaking of the habit of close observation, did it ever occnr to you that women are clothes observers ? CtJLTURK. — Parlor maid to Buttons : " You Tiilgar boy ! You should never say ' ax.' You should say ' harsk !' " An eminent teetotaller would only consent to sit tor his portrait on condition that it should be taken in water colors. Talk about Patience on a monument ! For a picture of calm content observ e a plumber waiting for his helper to go to his shop for tools. " I'd like to give you a piece of my mind, Mrs. Smiggs." " I wouldn't talk of impossibilities, Mr Smiggs. The aiticlo you speak of 13 too small to be divided." If some of the time 9pent in crying over unhappy people in novels were spent in trying to relieve the miseries of people who actually exist the world would be far better than it is. Appropriate Dances.— For jockeys, a gallop ; for duellists, a sword dance ; for Celtic wrestlers, the Highland fling ; for smokers, a hornpipe ; for tipplers, a reel ; for prisoners, a quad-rille. When Keau was playing Louis XI. at the Theatre Royal, Edinburgh, a rather laughable thing occurred. When the attendants announced, "The King is dead !" a pious Irishman in the stalls exclaimed, " And may the Lord have mercy on his guilty sowl !" Scene, Sunday-school. Lady teacher : " Now can any little boy or girl tell me who Job was ?" Wee boy after a long pause; "A doctor." Lady teacher : "A doctor ? Oh, dear no ! Where did you read that?'' Wee boy : " Did ye never hear 0 the patients 0' Job ?" An' English nobleman now travelling in the West has offeied his heart and hand to a servant girl. Perhaps he knows what wages servant girls get in this country and is after her money. — Philadelphia Call. The man who discovered the key to the ancient Aztec writings wa? formerly employed on the New YOl k Tribune, and ncqnired the talent lie used to such good advantage in deciphering Greely's manuscript. " What influence has the moon upon the tide ? " asked the professor. The class wag replied that he didn't know exactly what influence it had upon the tied, but that it had a tendency to make the untied awful spooney.— Burlington Free Press. The fantastic nature of a woman's mood has had another illustration in the case of a Misspurl girl, Fanny Callicottc, a wealthy stockrai^er's daughter. She was engaged to the Rev Moses Anderson, of Hannibal, and the arrangements were all complete for the marriage— all except a few articles of toilet, which she had to go to a distant town to purchase. The hired man went along to drive. On the way he made love to Fanny, proposed an elopement, she approved of it, and they are now m.'tn and wife, living in Macon, while the Rev Moses sits in single blessedness, and ponders on the mysterious ways of woman — Detioit Free Press. "Society" Journalism.— Mrs Mary Amy Blood, the mother of Lady Colin Campbell, a lady residing in South Kensington, on Saturday brought an action against Mr Joseph Laurence, the proprietor of a weekly periodical, for haying published a libel falsely stating that she had been divorced from her former husband for her elopement with Mr Blood. In his defence Mr Laurence, ■whilst stating that the libel was published during lvi absence, admitted that he wrote a paragraph in the previous issue doaling with Lady Campbells divorce suit. Mr Justice Denman denounced the practice of pandei ing to depraved tastes by dragging private affairs before the public and suggested that the jury should give exemplaiy damages if they found that the defendant had been guilty of gross negligence. The juiy found that the libel was wicked and false, and to show their sense of it they ga\ c a thousand pounds damages. Hippopiiagy iv Paris.— During the siege of Paris hippopiiagy was a matter of necessity. Since 1871 the consumption of horseflesh has gone on steadily increasing. In 1874 the number of horses slaughtered for food in Paris was 4,682 Ten years later the consumption had more than doubled. In 1883 Paris ate 9,48.1 horses, 307 asse«, and forty mules, or not short of 5,000,000 pounds weight of horse, ass and mule meat. Tho explanation of this increase is the high price of beef and mutton in the French capital. While the artisan can purchase a horse steak at less than 12 cents a pound, he lias to pay three times as much for a cut of beef or mutton. Among the hippophagiats of Paris the flesh of the ass and tho mule is esteemed even more highly than that of the horse, those delicacies fetching a price 15 or 20 per cent higher than simple horseflesh. . Commenting on the ramour that negotiations are likely to take place between France and England for the handing over of the New Hebrides to France the Melbourne Argus says :— "lf the other colonies feel as the Victorian Premiar feels and as the Victorian people feel also, they will be prepared to go rery great lengths against the Secretary of State on this subject. They will appeal, as we havo said, to the Throne and to the Parliament, stating in plain language how it is not to be expected that a great community will tolerate unhandsome treatment, and that Lord Derby is subjecting loyalists here to the same strain to which Grpnvillc subjected the loyalists of America little more than a bundled years ago Thp New Hebrides belonged to Austialia. They were surreptitiously taken out of the bounds by Lord Derby in 1878, and were put under an agreement, so that now surrender is possible. Although Tfostprn New Guinea was honorably reserved for us, a portion of it has jrone. No one who desired to play the Empire false in tho c c regions could do moie than Lord Derby has done and seems to be doing, and loyalists in all the colonies owe it to themselves and to their countiy to so state the facts and to take niich action as will arrest the attention of the Empire." Tmr depth of the ignoiance of «onie Italian populations has been curiously revealed under the cholera epidemic. The conduct of the Prefect of Reggio, it seems, was so surpusing that he was called upon to resign his post, upon which he remarkod " that he could not deny the truth of the statements which had been made, but that one man in a province of idiots could not stem the current of folly." Ho then recounted some illustrative anecdotes, of which the following is one : — A wag as a joke placed two epgs, a white one and a blackened one, before daybreak at tho door of a hou'-e, and then roused the inhabitants, and told them they had the chok ra at the door — the cholera's epg«. The terror of the poor people was frantic. The Syndic was immediately summoned, and he ordered th" carbineers to surround the house while the authorities took counsol what fchould be done. It x\ as at length decided that a long pole with a net attached to it should be prepared, and this, with every precaution, mas placed under the eggs, which were then canied in full possession of Syndic, carbineers, and tow namen to tho Campo Santo, w here the eggs were solemnly interred in a thick layer of quicklime. The " cholera's eggs " being thus bur.cd, the city bieathed iioely once more, and Syndic and f.oldiers leturncd to their fjuaitcis r.i peace. C'ki'ii) 1 or !! u irs "—AW aroplciWfoMViliat our li il>v u is p^rin inrntly nirc.l of a set loir. 1 r< - iinlifii u i'nl-iiim of the Lou< N l>\ the use <.f ifr ;i IVtrr* b\ its mother, wl ich at (lie <.imr time nstoMil 1 or to piikct hialih «in'l string h " Lhv. ['aklni-i. imc.

How he Lost his Fakji — " I'm no tramp, mum," said the individual, who looked like the bieaking of a hard winter, as lie solicited something to eat, not having oaten a morsel of food for the list fourteen days. " No, mum, don't class me with them shiftless vagabonds. I've met with great misfortunes, IJ hey." " What were their nature ?"' sympathetically asked the good housewife, as she gathered together all tlir cold victuals in reach. "I but ashoit time ago, mum, owned one of the finest farms in Minnesota." " What became of it?" 11 One of them dreadful cyclones, which you ha\e no doubt read of, mum, blew that beautiful farm in five minutes entirely upon the land of another man and left me penniless." " But had you not still the land left ?'' asked the lady. " No, mum, the cyclonic carried it all on to an a'jming form, and the man that owned it refused to give it up." But the land your farm was located on — surely it was still left?" " Oh, yes, it was there ; but you see it belonged to a man who owned it aforo my Luid was blow n on top of it, and w lien mine blowcd off he came and claimed the piopcrty. Them cyclones is tenible. Thankee, mum No cold potatoes— l don't relish them when I get to thinking on my misfortunes." — IMttsburg Chronicle " Thk Dudk and the Cow Boy. — "Next !" yelled a Third-ftreet barber, as he looked around the room for a new customer. At the call a long-haired cowboy from the bad lands of Montana and a Minneapolis dude came to their feet and advanced towards the chair. The dude was a little ahead, and seated himbelt, when the cow puncher said he was in a huny, and ordered the dude up ; but he claimed he was in Ids turn, and he did'nt come up. "Look hyar, ye pin legged gopher," howled tho Montana tough, " et ycr don't vamoose outer that ar chair in less'n two shakes er a steer's tail, I'll break yer up an' use yer to plug rat holes with." And the cow boy let oil an athletic laugh that made the barber turn chalky, but tho dude didn't move. "Did ycr hyar mo murmur?" shouted the cattle man. "Aw, yaas, I heard sawmthing," replied the dude. "Yaas aw, wal aw, I'll gi\e }'aw jist half a-ininute to git." " Weally, my boy," implied his dudeship, "yon see I cawn't think of moving so wapidly. It isn't natural, you knaw ; it's weally too waun for such e\awsizo. Ay.it is aw." " Wal, I'll just take er contract ter move yer," and the cow man niOved ovei in the direction of the half reclining dude and caught him by the collar. The barber said he thought a Dakota threshing machine had got in and taken possession for the next fi\e minutes ; the cowboy's boots went over and inivcd up with a lot of cos.netics ; a seven shooter from his belt got into a tussle with a hair brush and a lot of razors, his hair was pounded down in the cracks of the floor, and the mirrors were spattered witli drops of his gore. When the dude finished, the cow boy looked as if he had been holding an indignation meeting in a slaughter house, and straightening his nose and gathering up what was left of his raiment, he said he guessed he'd go o\er to another shop ; there were so many ahead of him. The dude, pulling a handful of the cow hoy's hair out of his pocket and dropping it in the waste basket, said : " That will put me in good tiim for the ball game this afternoon," — New York I'.ipcr.

The Bad and Worthless, are never wutatul or countujuttrf. This is especial'y true of a family medioinc, anil it is pobitivo proof that the remedy iimtiitcd is of the highest value. As soon as it had been tested and pioved by the whole woild that Hop Bitters was the purest, best and the most valuable family medicine on earth, many imitations spuing up and began to steal the notices in \\ Inch the press and the people of the country had expressed the merits of H. B , and in every way trying to induce suffering invalids to use their stuff instead, expecting to make money on the credit and good name of H. 13. Many others started nostrums put up in similar style to H. 8., with variously devised names in which the word " Hop" or " Hops" were used in a way to induce people to believe they were the same as Hop Bitters. All such pretended .remedies or cures, no matter what their style or name is and especially those with the word " Hop" or " Hops" in their name or in any way connected with them or their name, are imitations or counterfeits. Beware of them, louch none of them. Use nothing but genuine American Hop Bitters, with a bunch or cluster of green Hops on the white label, and Dr Soule's name blown in the glass. Trust nothing else. Druggists and Chemists are warned against dealing in imitations or counterfeits. Yes ! It is certainly true. Ask any of your friends who ha\e purchased there. Garlick andCranwcll have numerous unasked for and very favourable commendations from country cust mers on their excellent p-uking of Furniture, Crockery, and Glass, &c. Ladies and gentlemen about to furnish should remember that Girlick and Cranwcll's is thr Cheap Furnishing Warehouse of Auckland. Furniture to suit all classes ; also Carpets, Floor Cloths and all House Necessaries. If jour new house is nearly finished, or, you are going to get married, usit Garlick and Cranwell, Queen-street and Lorne-strcet, Auckland. Intending purchasers can hare a catalogue srn fr«»

Permanent link to this item
Hononga pūmau ki tēnei tūemi

https://paperspast.natlib.govt.nz/newspapers/WT18850131.2.24

Bibliographic details
Ngā taipitopito pukapuka

Waikato Times, Volume XXIV, Issue 1961, 31 January 1885, Page 4

Word count
Tapeke kupu
2,328

CLIPPINGS. Waikato Times, Volume XXIV, Issue 1961, 31 January 1885, Page 4

CLIPPINGS. Waikato Times, Volume XXIV, Issue 1961, 31 January 1885, Page 4

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