CLIPPINGS.

Waikato Times, Volume XXIII, Issue 1914, 11 October 1884, Page 4

CLIPPINGS.

"Tuts," said a provision dealer, as ho weighed out a corned tongue for a customer, " this never tells lies." " Then it was nover engaged m the provision business," growled the customer. " Has that cookery book any pictures ?" said MkiC. to a bookseller. " No, miss, none," was the answer. " Why," exclaimed the young lady, "what is the use of telling us how to make a good dinner if they give us no plates ? " A preacher, whose congregation had bec;tm to fall off somew hat, had it intimated that he would discuss a family scandal the following Sunday. Aa a consequence, the church was crowded. The minister's subject was "Adam v. Eve." A wek Scottish laddie interrogated his mother as follows :—" Mither, will we hae tea tae oor breakfast the morn ? " "Ay, laddie, if we be spared," said she. "An' if we're no spared, mither, will we only ha'c parritch ? " was the next query. " No, sii," said Dr. Jalap, " I wouldn t have that apple-tree cut down for money." " But you never got any fruit from it," argued Brown ; " the boya steal all the apples before they are halt ripe." " That's just it," replied the doctor, with a quiet smile ; " that tree stands me in a good thousand every season." A Rkasoxahm; llKnucnoN. — " Prisoner, how old are you ?" " Twenty- two, your honor.'' "Twenty-two ? Your papers make out you were born twenty-three years ago." " So I was, but I spent one year in prison, and I don't count that - it was lost time." The Max from Arkvnsas. — When the stranger remarked that he was from Arkansas, one of the passengers suddenly turned and asked : " You are, eh ? May be you are from Cnttendon county '!" "I am that." "Perhaps from James's Landing?" "That's it, exactly." " Then may be you know my brother, William Henry Jones, from Perm Van,' this State?' Stranger, put it thar ?" exclaimed the Arkansas traveller, as he extended his hand and smiled all over. "Bust my buttons if I didn't help to hang your brother ior cattle bteahng jist bctore I left home." Tut; Dviu: or Camukidoe ox the Army.— The Prime Warden and Wardens of the Fishmongers' Company ga\e a bauquet recently at their hall, London Bridge, the occasion being the anniver-f-ary of the accession of the Hou.se of Brunswick to the Thione of (.heat Biitain. The Duke ot Cimbud^o returned thanks to the ainiy, and in the course of bis speech said : — If they wanted to go on being a gieat nation, if they wanted to s>ce their iufceiests defended in e\ety part of the world, they could not get that for nothing, It was inconsistent with icason, and when he heard people complained ot espenilituio the question was v, hetlier it was legitimate expenditure. If it was expenditure at nil, it was legitimate expenditiue. The Kiit.;lich people were <i peuccfnl nation, but they were very puguacioun übout their inteiests. The moment there was a question about their interests they became \ery pugnacious. Let them look atoimd to the far Kast, tndia, Afiic.i, and to Egypt, and they Would ot'c tlmt tilings did not look quite so peaceful and happy as they might desire. They must accept the condition ot things as they were, and not as they might wish them to be. He was speaking iiis mind plainly and without regard tor politics : for they had no politics theie — at least he had nonf\ The army h.id no politics, -md it was one of the greatest blessings of the country that it had not. He spoke of the army as a piofession, and not as a political body. In other countries people might ask \\ Inch side would the army take, but in England that was not tho case. The aimy would doits duty to its Queen and country eveiywheie, and that could only be done by strict discipline and entnc absence ot political feeling. The moment an army became political it became useless. The meaning of all he said was that he did not think they had half army and navy enough. It was unpleasant to say that, because it was not always a popular thing to have to toll the truth, but he w,is not sine that to i-ay what you mean was not best after all We must look at the vast interests which had to be defended and the immense distances which had to be traversed. Australia, Canada, and the other colonies were all membeis ot our gieat country whose inteiestshad all to be defended. Yes !It is certainly true. Ask any of your fnencK who Ii i\e purclnsed there Garlick and Cranwell line nutncious itii.isk.cr] for and very favour ible < ommenci itions from country customers on their excellent packing of l'urmture, Crocker}, and dhs;,, &.c. Ladies and gentlemen about to furnish should remember that Garlak and Cranwcll's is iiih Cheap burnishing Warehouse of Auckland. Furniture to suit .ill clashes ; also Carpets, i'loor Cloths and all House Necessaries If jour new house is nearly finished, or. 3'ou arc tfoin^ to get married, \isit G irlick and Cranuell, Quecn-striet and Lome-street, Auckland. Intending purchasers can liave.ir ataloßiic sent free.