CLIPPINGS.

Waikato Times, Volume XXIII, Issue 1891, 19 August 1884, Page 4

CLIPPINGS.

An , IrishnYan <he can see no earthly reason why women should not be, allowed to become medical men. TlßßsOiiE journey from pole to pole : That of ,a mau who in vain seeks an open barbershop on a Sunday morning. An ' artist in marble ' elaborated what he considered a triumphant statute of that king of beasts, the lion, and sent it to compete for a prize at an exhibition statuary. He received t the ' first prize for a beautiful sleeping bull pup in marble." An attorney, about to furnish a bill of costs, Was 1 requested by his client, a baker, Ho make it as light as possible.' 'Ah !' replied the attorney, ' that's what you may sny to your foreman, but it's notthe way I make my bread.' It was his first attempt on roller skates, and as they brought him to in the toilet-room, he remarked— " I tell you, boys, that was gorgeons. I must have kicked in the whole dome of heaven the way those stars flew around. I wonder if there is any left for the next man.' In South Canterbury a man of the small farmer class was standing, and had betrayed an astonishing piohciency in ignoiance on many subjects. He was asked what he thought of "Local Option?" " Will you repeat your question?" he said. "What do you think nbont Local Option ?" repeated the elector. The candidate seemed puzzled. "Local Option?" roared the chairman "0, yes ! I see what you mean," said the politician, "A local auction. 0 yes, you've a peifect light to that. When I am elected I will see that an auctioneer comes up regularly so that you can sell your pioducc without difficulty." U^dbr the heading "The heights above and the depths below," the following statement appears in Knowledge :— •'A remarkable illustration of human degradation reaches me from the other side of St. George's Channel. An Irish gentleman oi station and foitune lecently undertook, in concert with his English brethren, a series of observations of variable stars. He has, perforce, been compelled to relinquish his share of the task for the simple but suincient reason that he dares not cross his own giounds at night to proceed to his observatory for fear of being murdered. This gentleman ■ — whose name for obvious leasous I suppress — j s resident on his own estate, and actually offeied all his tenants leases in perpetuity three years before the Land Act was ever heard of. Hence is it the mere fact of being a landlord at all which imperils his life. During all the glia&tly horrors of the French Revolution, when the guillotiue was perennially soddened •with the life-blood of some of the best and wisest Ftenchmen, Lalandc was buffered to puroue his astronomical studies in peace, and when the deatli of Robespierre enabled innocent men and women to breathe treely again, ' thanked his stars ' for his escape. It will be lemembered that while in Sydney the New Zealand footballeis received complimentary tickets for the theatred, and among those that they attenden was the Gaiety, w here Mr Grattan Riggs was playing "Conn the Shaughraun." In this connection the Bulletin has the following :—": — " One of the footballers sat under the edge of the balcony, right over him was a cad who had probably lost a few shillings in backNew South Wales against the Maoiis. The footballer happened to glance upwards, when the cad dehbeiately spat down in his face. The victim said nothing. He quietly wiped his face with his handkerchief, took a good survey of the balcony, got up and went out as quietly as though nothing had happened. Preseutly he appeated in the balcony, called the cad to one bide, and without further ceremony drove his nose th tough so that the end of it struck out at the back of his head. Then he leturned to hisseat in the orchestia chaiiH, and not above a dozen peisons in the house knew that a man had been knocked out in the first round right ovoi then heads. It was the quietest and 'quickest piece of work of the kind we have seen done since the time we were boys and tickled the heels of a mule with a sti aw just to &cc him wag his ears." " Lambini. Dow\ " a Public vs.— The following little story is told by "Atticus" in the Leader :— "A sturdy bushmanlike looking fellow got into one of the public-houses that do not leflect credit on Melbourne. He cashed two small checks of the landlord, commenced a carouse with all and sundry, and handed back in shillings what he had in pounds. Then he got awfully diunk, and finally handed oxer a large check, w Inch he said he would drink out. Giadnally he fell into a stupor, and suddenly the police were heard at the door. Said the prudent and far-seeing hostess, ' Have you got much of the last check left?' 'About £22," said her husband, ' Shove the money in this pocket quick,' she &aid. In was done in a twinkling. In came the police, and up jumped the bushman. He felt hurriedly in his pockety and pulling out the money, he said. 'Is this the money you gave me as change, landlord ? 1 replied the latter. "All right,' said the visitor. Then lie walked out, and has doubtless gone back to the sta tion he came fiom. Wheic that is no one knows The three checks weic duly dishonoured." Brother. Gardxitr Exprj>sfs His Views Fkeely. — " Dar am seb ral things dat doan' look '/actly light to me" said Brother Uaidner, as he nibbed his bald head with one hand and ope led the meeting with the other. "If doan' look 'zactly light to see one man with 10,000,000 dollars and anoder with only 10 cents (applause by Samuel Shin), but yit if I was de ten-million-dollar man I wouldn't kecr wheder it looked right or not." (Sudden end to the applause.) "It doan' look 'zactly right for one man to own a great foundiy, while anoder man am obleeged to work fur him fur two dollars a day (" Hear ! hear !" fiom Judge Cadavei); but if I was dc two dollar a day man I wouldn't frow myself out of a job to spite de ow ner oi to please a demagogue." (The judge subsides.) "It doan' look 'zactly right to sec one man hold offis all de time, while anoder man has to shove a jack plane fur a libin' (great rustle in Fickle Smith's corner), but he who shoves de jack-plane has the respeck of do community and keeps outer jail." (Rustic dies away.) "It doan' look 'zactly right to sec fo'ty lawyers rush to defend a criminal who has stolen money in his pockets, while de offender who am moneyless am left to dig his Avay frew a 19-foot wall wid an ole knife-blade (grins on a dozen faces) ; but if I »vas a lawyer I should aim my money any oder way way except by sawin' wood. De public doan look for any pertickler display of conscience on de part of lawyers, an* darfore suffer no disappointments." (Grins no longer observable.) "It doan' look 'zactly right fur one man to have a big brick house an' another man a rough bod shanty, but 'long bont tax-time de mau in de shanty can sit on de fence an' chuckle over de fack dat he baint rich. It doan' look 'zackly right to see one mau go pushin' an' swellin 1 an' crowdin' everybody else off de side-walk to let the public know dat he am a king-bee, but such men have to carry the anxiety ot bein' in debt to de tailor an' of dodgin' de grocer an' of subscribing 25d01. to build a church widout hope of being able to pay 10 cents to the dollar. In fack, my friends, dar am heaps an' heaps o' things that doan' look 'zackly right to us at fust glance, but when ye come to figger it up an' divide and subtract we've all got a heap to be thankful fur an' to encourage us to git up airly in the mawnin.' A man can brace his leg and lily back like a mule, an' kick away at de hull world an' hate everybody an' be' hated in- return, or he ken pickup sartin crumbs o' consolation, crowd inter a seat' ii/de back end thewagin, an' take a heap o" comfort,' knowin' c|at spmeb(J,dy7is'wu ff s off dan himself/ t L«t us accumulate to buzneas." •-Detroit Jfree. Eresa.