Humor.

Waikato Times, Volume XXIII, Issue 1890, 16 August 1884, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humor.

A Wesson in Boxing.

KNOCKED OUT OF TIME BY THE GREAT UNKNOWN.

Jijijiyson is very proud of his muscle, and yesterday he took the new boarder from St. Louis to the gymnasium to show him something about the manly art. " Yes," said Jimmyson," I may not look it, but when I got the gloves on I'm quite a slugger, an amateur John Lycurgus Sullivan, as it were."

" You surprise me," said the man from St. Louis. " I had no idea you so proficient."

" I know a little about boxing," continued Jinirnyson, " though I do say it myself." Then he struck at an imaginary adversary, assumed a number of positions, offensive and defensive, and showed off to excellent advantage. Presently he saw a little, dried-up fellow, who had on a pair of gloves, but who looked awkward and uncomfortable.

" Do you see that chap?" remarked Jimmyson. "Watch me paralyse him. I'll show him something about boxing." " My friend," he observed to the other, " those gloves don't seem to fit you; I guess you don't know how to put them on." " Oh yes I do," said the other. " Are you sure ? " asked Jimmyson. " I believe so."

" You should wear them like this, and hold your arms thus. Let's have a little friendly bout, and I'll show you how," and Jimmyson winked to the man from St. Louis, and whispered that the fun was about to begin. " You want to box," said the little man. " Yes, a round or two. I'll stop whenever you say so." And Jimmyson smiled again as he thought how he would everlastingly knock the other out of time.

He made a strike at the little man, but missing him, he found that he was almost knocked off his feet by a blow on the side of the head.. Whew, how the other made his arms, fly I Jimmyson was like a child, and in a moment bis eyes were blackened, his nose was bleeding, and he imagined that someone was pounding him, under the impression that he was a beefsteak. Finally he received a blow that .sent him sprawling fairly into the arms of the man .from St. Louie, who tenderly held him from falling. " Now look here, my hearty," said the little man, " the next time you offer to show the champion of the Pacific slope how to box you'll know it. You'll stop when I say so, eh ? Very kind of you, I'm sure." Jimmyson iayed at home next morning in bed. He has resolved to quit the gymnasium if professionals are admitted. — Cincinnati Times Star.

Reversed on Them. " There goes the biggest robber on record^" " Who is he ? " "He's a commercial drummer from New York. He was introduced to us fellows about a month ago and played poker three weeks running." " He won, eh ?" " No, he lost. You see the great art in poker is to learn to size up your opponent's play and to read his facial expression. This fellow didn't seem to play very well, and finally we got onto the fact that every time he was' bluffing' he'd smile and look confident, while whenever he held threes or better he'd sigh and look frightened, jus to coax us to bet, you see." . " Old dodge, that." "Exactly; but listen. After we had dropped to his ways, we went for him heavy and won §2OO or S3OO every night for a week or more. The other night we waited until he seemed unusually exultant and we went for him all round. Every time wg raised him he'd dig up more coin somehow, and finally he put a check for §B,OOO dollars on the top of the pile. We noticed that he tried desperately to force a smile and look happy, so we all called him. There was §36,000 and odd on the table; I had three aces myself." "And then?" " And then the infernal pirate showed down four kings. He had just reversed on us, that was all! " — San Francisco Evening Post. My Neighbor and I. I am mad at the man on the southwest corner sf the block, and he is mad at me, and it's all on account of nothing at all. We bought a mantel and grate just alike and costing the same price. We had tiling just of the same pattern, laid down by the same man. For five years we were like brothers. If I had a sick horse, I consulted him. We went over to his house to play old sledge, and his family came over to my house to play croquet. I'd j have turned out of bed at midnight of the darkest night you ever saw and walked twenty miles through the mud thirty feet deep to bring a doctor in the case of sickness, and I'm certain he'd have done fully as much for me. In an unfortunate hour my brother-in-law from Chicago paid me a visit. He said the mantel was very handsome and the grate a perfect beauty, and added : " But you want a brass fender." "Nol" " Certainly you do. It will be an immense improvement." A day or two after he returned home he sent me a brass fender from Chicago. He not only sent it as a present, but paid the express charges. Some one told the man on the south-west corner that I had a brass fender. " It can't be 1" " But he has." " I'll never believe it." " But I've seen it."

" Then he is a scoundrel of the deepest dye. Some folks would mortgage their souls for the sake of showing off a little ! " When this remark was brought to me I turned red, clear back to the collor-button. I called the south-west corner man a liar and a horse-thief. I said that his grandfather was hanged for murder, and that his eldest brother was in state I advised him to sell out and go to the Cannibal Islands, and offered to buy his house and turn it into a soap factory. The usual result followed. He killed my cat and I shot his dog. He complained of my alley and I made him put down a new sidewalk. He called my horse an old plug, and I lied about his cow and spoilt a sale. He got my church pew away by paying a higher price, and I destroyed his credit at the grocery. He is now manoeuvering to have the city compel mo to move my barn back nine feet, and I have all the arrangements made to buy the house next to him and rent it to an undertaker as a coffin wareroom.

M. Quad, in Drake's Traveller.

She Knew What She Wanted. " On, doar ! " exclaimed Mrs. Blank, " you » are always getting things wrong." "What is the matter now," asked Mr. Blank, spreading out on the floor a magnificent black fur rug which he had just purchased. " Don't you see how long and straight that hair is?" asked Mrs. Blank." " " Certainly ; that i 3 it's beauty." " And it is black." "Of course; black and glossy." " But I told you to get a goat skin, with red curly hair." " I know," said Mr. Blank, " but I looked at the others and considered this much handsomer." " But think of the trouble we will have at our meals," persisted Mrs. Blank. ««Trouble ? " " Yes; our cook has straight black hair." "Well?" " Whenever we find any in the food, she will blame it on the rug. That is why I wanted red."— Philadelphia Call. Comedy in Courtship. i. Watch each other through the rooro f Hate the gaslight, love the gloom, , Give the bonbon men a boom: Just engaged. Speak of " angels without wings," Watch the style of wedding rings, Do a thousand foolish things: Just engaged, ii. Fawns around her brother Mike, Brings her " Dreams " by Marvel Ike— Which the maid assumes to like : He's engaged. Leaves off smoke and beer from date, Goes to church to sit with Kate, Puts two dollars in the plate : He's engaged, in. Hastens on her friends to call, Blithe and gay renounces all Schemes for keeping " Old Maid's Hall:" She's engaged. Chooses bridesmaids ten or eight, Loads them with an honor great— Buying gowns to deck her fete: She's engaged. IV. Go to plays and opera, Sing the " gobble " and the " baa," Have a fight about "Bochat:" Disengaged. Maiden weeps the long night through, Lovers beautifully blue, Life's a tragedy to two: Not engaged. v. Deep the chasm 'tween the twain, Morning—has it come in vain ? But to rouse despair again ? Not engaged. Hark I a ringing at the door, And the voice, " Miss Kitty More ? " Kisses bridge the chasm o'er : Be-engaged. According to Scripture. "You had been drinking again last night John," is what Crimsonbeaklgot fired at him when he met his wife at the breakfast table the other morning. " I must admit that I had," replied the husband, meekly. " You know as well as I do that liquor is your worst enemy." " So I do." " Why don't you give it up then ? " " It wouldn't be scriptural, ma'am." "What!" screamed Mrs. Crimßonbeak, horror-stricken at her husband's remark. " I say it wouldn't be scriptural," repeated Crimsonbeak, rather decidedly; " don't the Scriptures teach us to love our enemies?" and Crimsonbeak smacked his lips at the very thought of it.— Yonkers Statesman. .376.