Terrible Balloon Collision. Ninty-Seven-and-a. Half Lives Sacrificed. Statement of the Killed. Taken down in Thoughtonomic Dissyllables by our Special Pyonoqraphic Enthusiast.

Waikato Times, Volume XXII, Issue 1857, 31 May 1884, Page 6

Terrible Balloon Collision. Ninty-Seven-and-a. Half Lives Sacrificed. Statement of the Killed. Taken down in Thoughtonomic Dissyllables by our Special Pyonoqraphic Enthusiast.

Thbbe are things which are often read about, but very seldom seen ; there are dreams never realised ; anticipations never fnlfilled ; but, of all, the phantoplasms that percolate through the human brain, the catastrophe ofyester-

day midnight, with its attendant details, completely puts the Confuaoious calendar entirely into the shade. Never had* poet to recite a more tragic theme, or artist 10 depict tho scene ; and words would fail to give an adequate summary of the gist of the matter. When the dulcet shades of sleep were slowly stealing over the fiimid membranes of t l ie inhabitants of this vast micrososn, — at midnight, so to spjak, in othe; words— '.he whole metropolis was thrown into a state r >£ tho most extreme consternation by the report of an alarming balloon colhssioa that had occurred some hours previously, in tho left arc of the planet Saturn. The hour wa3 positively stated to have been exactly half-past-nineteen-and-throe-quartera-round the clock tower ol the House of Ladies; but from substantial affirmations, it is believed that this statement is a mistake, if not a highly colored specimen of longbowism. The place of the accident vas located at Gaslown, neaij Bfentwood Chase. Human nature being naturally sanguine, this dreadful rumour waa at first, especially by those who had invested their Alberts in Balloon Express Shares, believed to be entirely and truly false ; but, unhappily, on subsequent telephones being rapidly received without an instant's delay through the dynamic wires, it was, alas I found to be but too true. The circumstances, as far as can be gathered from those who have gone to that bourne from whence no traveller ever returns — those who, in fact, have shaken off this mortal coil, and started off by the happy dispatch to rejoin their progenitors in the realms of the blessed — are as follows:— A picnic party had been arranged for some weeks previously to the new comet ; and the two well known fast balloons, the JBreonaufc and the Azimuth Compass, hired for the occasion, both being in chaige of two of the most skilled meteorologists on the face of the atmosphere. Being amply provided with cold meats *and warm cameleopards in case of destitution, the party gathered together around the hulks ; and the preparations were rapidly completed by the aid of the patent dynamometer, which registered on the occasion fifteen hundred zyncograms in the shade. With doormats on their bosoms and Indiarubber clsgs to preserve their pedal extremities from the damp which might be expected to be met with in higher altitudes, the balloonists prepaxed for the worst, and quickly began to iake their flightfromGastown. Amidst the enthusiastic plaudits of thousands, they rose gracefully in the air, a considerable intervallum separating the tsvo buoyant spheres. When the two cars reached the perihelion of the zenith, the picknickist, having strangely forgotten to ttan^ n <ny air beverage with them, alighted for relics amenta on a cloud, where they remained for some time ; and it is to this causo, very probably, that the deplorable accident which occurred may b<3 attributed. On resuming their course towards the point of their destination, which, ltmay bsramembered, is situated between Venus and Mars, both thu balloons were observed to bo m a slightly shaky condition. It ii mentioned that at this juncture Professor Boxwell, who commanded the aeronaut directed tho numerous passengers who crowded the car to " slick in thek twopennies," and all would go on swimmingly. Sad to relate, hu advice was not followed, as many a lifeless corpse lias reason to deplore. The ascent of the baloons was still watched with awe, and paiticipated in by tens upon tens of shousands who could not accompany them to the upper regions. After reaching a height of, at the very least, seventeen thousand miles, the left wing of the aeronaut, being struck by 'a fragment from one of tho constellations, was seen to be rapidly approaching the Azimuth Compass, which raised ita flapper as a signal of caution. It was all in vain. Man, or woman, to reverse the ordinary position of the two sexes, in order to follow out an anoient adage, is often the creation of his or her own destiny ; and, as has been frequently observed, knows not when he is remarkably well off, as the ancientphilosophers, though somewhat exploded in the present era, have exemplified amply and well in that terse and epigrammatic language in which our abnormal ancestors were fond — foolishly fond —of expressing themselves. As has been already detailed, the two balloons, when they had arrived at the arc of the cosine of Mercury, which exhibited the sharpest meicurial temperament at the moment, were seen by the interested ones to be bent on colliding ; and, without an instant's hesitation, the powerful billiongramme electric firefly was immediately ignited. Tbe atmospheie being densely illuminated, the speed of the balloons could be at once perceived ; and those who watched and waited below could almosL anticipate what was taking place above. The anticipation was not without a basis. . With a crash, as if worlds were rent asunder, the balloons rushed together, and the wicker cars collapsed. Professor Boxwell did not for a moment lose his presence of mind. Grasping the baggage van with his left biceps, he immediately reversed the movement behind, and the aeronaut came to a standstill just one moment too late. The scene now, as seen through the diorama, was terrific in the extreme, and horrible to contemplate ; as, immediately the back action ceased, twenty-five thousand and sixteen persons, including one baby child of the female sex, were suddenly plunged into mid-air. Some were clinging to the oars in the utmost confusion ; others getting on to the escaping gas ; while others yet were hanging on with their eyelids. As the gust of air engendered by the explosion passed quickly in violent shocks through the atmosphere, a hush solemn and still suddenly arose ! The shrieks of the departed were something fearful to contemplate, and the look 3 of the remainder, in their hesitating accents, frightful to see, being almost sufficient to nerve the bravest and most pusillanimous mind to sudden death. Garbless, beggared, and wan, these unfortunate beings oscillated between the nebulas of the Pleades until they were brought up with gingham umbrellas. The grapnels were thrown out without any harm being done ; and the patent safety parachute Pluie de Soie, manned by the head gasman and a crew of seasoned whalebone — all steady ribs of the right sort who had passed their youthful lives in the serial regions, immediately darted off to the rescue, propelled by a current of waste air. A parachute also from Mars was not backward in coming forward; but all attempts to save the survivors were practically futile. Poitunately for those who have a chord in the human heart, a mist hid the dreadful denouement from mortal gaze. One weird, wild shriek— one frantic cry of agony, and the frayed fragments of the balloons were hurled heavily to earth amidst the ravening revolutions of the enroling hemispheres, which went out of their orbits for the express purpose of picking up the wreckage and earning an honest penny. At the moment of our going to press, hardly anything further is known of this awful accident, which has been very seldom equalled and never surpassed. A lady of gigantic proportions, who was sitting on the left hand wicker work of Professor Boxwell's car, has been never seen to smile again ; and ninety-seven-and-a-half lives mourn their tale. The latest particulars, received at the very moment the paper is being printed, state that eleven thousand extinct bundles of humanity have been picked up in the neighborhood surrounding Gastown, in the vicinity above which the catastrophe took place. They are being rapidly revived by the aid of sponge sandwiches and Professor Heliotrope's patent bottling apparatus. One intrepid balloonist, to whom the galvanic battery was applied, was seen to raise his left forefinger and thumb to his noae as if in the act of partaking of a pinch of the best rappee or suffering from internal agony ; it was found out on subsequent investigation that he was a native of the E&ppeehannock ; and he has since snuffed out. It need hardly be added that hundreds of families are plunged into the deepest mourning (of flesh tints and bluff) in consequence of the calamity ; and all festivities have ceased in the moon, not a note being heard in the air. — From the Future Times, 1990.

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