Humour.

Waikato Times, Volume XXII, Issue 1848, 10 May 1884, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humour.

One day my father he was a reading the Evening Post, an all to once he give a long wissel and said he be gum dasted 1 Then Uncle Ned he looked up and sed, "Wot is it ? " an my father he spoke up a other time an said, " By cracky, that's the offlest I ever heard of ! " My mother she come up, and me an Billy and missy, that's my sister, for to see wot was up, but my father he was so exited that he stude up sudden and his spettacles fell of, and he cudent see to read wot he wonted to til thay was found, and all the wile he kep sayn, " Its jest wot I ben expecktin," and, " I tole you it wude have to come," an, " We are in for it," an all sech speeches, like he was wimmen fokes, cos wimmen aint got no thinkers, ony jest tockers. Bime by, wen mother had put the spettaclea on his nose, he foun the place agin and begun for to read, 11 The war broke out agin 1 The solid South in battle array 1 The Demcrats advanoing onto New York ! The nashnle capittle in flames 1 Slotter of Oongriss 1 Dredfle massker of colord peoples in Virginny 1 Ten thowsan United States troops shot dead in their tracks ! " Wen my father he had got that far he see it was a advertizement of a pattent tooth brush and a oloße pin combind, and all to onoe he stopt readin an got red like fire, an then he coffed, and after a wile he wiped his spettaclea, and then he stuft the paper in his pocket and sed to Uncle Ned, " Edard, you better stay here and look after the wimmen and ohiden, wile I go and notify the coroner." And then my father he went out and stayed a way a week.

I've Quit Drinking Whisky. 11 I've quit drinking whisky," said an antiprohibitioniBt to a temperance woman. " Thank heaven for that," was ,her earnest reply. " Amen, ma'am. I hope I shall be true to my resolve." " And so do I. Do you find it difficult to throw aside the habit ? " " Not as difficult, ma'am, as I might under other ciroumstances." " Ah, sir, our ministrations have then been a power and strength to you ? " " To some extent, ma'am but one resolve I made when I registered my vow to drink no more whisky has been of greater strength to me than anything else." "Pray tell me what it is, that I may suggest it to some other poor brother on the downward road." " Well, ma'am when I vowed to drink no more whisky, I ran in a proviso that I would confine myself exclusively to brandy, beer, gin, and a little rum, with now and then a champagne or other pleasant wine when somebody else was willing to pay for it. You see that kind of a drink is mighty expensive for a poor man. Yes, ma'am, I'm done with whisky, and I feel to rejoice that I haven't tasted it since yesterday. — Merchant Traveller.

A Watering Place Farewell* ,- What she says : G-ood-bye. What he says: Good-bye. . What she does not say : We have had such '; lovely times together ; and after all that, has > \ happened you calmly shake hands and go »b ' i£— well, men, are brutes. . s What he does not say ; There have been <V< times when I would swear that you cued for vme, but I know how you have treated , ofcher^, fellows, and I'll be hanged if m# scalp shallt ; decorate your wigwam.— -Life. ..,_ \ }