O3i the Half-Shell.

Waikato Times, Volume XXII, Issue 1818, 1 March 1884, Page 2 (Supplement)

O3i the Half-Shell.

"My vhife all der time says to me:' Carl Duncler, if you vhas to ba kilt by a butcher cart or ice Waggon, or if some shteampoat plow you oop an der river, I vhas left with no money. Vhy doan' you pc insured mit your life ?' " Vhell, I tinks about clot a good deal. It vhas my duty dot my vhife und Katie doan' go mit der poor house if I can help it, und I tink it vhas pest to get some insurance. I shpeak to my frendt-, Sbon Plazes, about it, und Shon he says: "' Of course you vhanfc insurance. You shall come into my lodge of der United Ordej of Half-Shells. Dot vhas an order which only costs you oae dollar a year, und if you die your family puts on sthyle mit der ten tousand dollar in greenpaeks. I calls a meeting right avhay mit your saloon, und we put you through like some streaks of greased lightning." " Vhell, I goes home und tells der old vhomans und &he says dot vhas O.K. She doan 1 like to Sse me die, but if some shrnall-pox or yellow fever comes to Detroit und takes me avhay she likes to haf a long funeral proceasion und build me a grave-stone, which readß dot Carl Dunder vhas a goot husband, a kind fadder, unU dot he has gone to Heaven only a leedle vhile pofore he vhas ready. I shpeak to my daughter Katie und she shed some tears and tells m? dot she looks as cute as an angel in some mourning gloze for me. So it vhas all right und I sweep out my saloon und about twenty men come in dot eafninga to make me a Halt-shell. " Oxcuse me if I vhas madt und use some words like a pirate. My frendt, Shon Plazes, vhas dere mit a red cap on his head und a voice so solemn dot I feels shills go up my pack. He calls der meeting to order und saya I like to shoin und ppcome a Half-shell." "Does he Wie peer?" ask 3 some mans in der gorner. " He does," said Shon Plazes. "Und so do we!" yells all dor meeting, und Shon says I vhas to come down mit ter peer. Dot was nineteen glasses. "Den Shon Plazes he reads from a pook mit a plue cover, dot man vhas dying ebery day so fast dot you can't count 'em, or somedings like dot, und he calls oudt:" " Vhat shall save dis man ? " "Und eaferypody yells 4lager peer!' Dot means I set him oop again, und dot vhas nineteen glasses more! Den two men take me und vhalk me all aroundt, und Shon Plazes he cries out:" " We vhas here to-day und gone to-morrow In der midnight, vhen eafeiybody vhas ashleep a tief comes und shteals our life away 1 Vhat keeps dot tief afar off!" " Und eaferypody groans out like he vhas dying! 'Cool lager 1' Dot means I vhas to set 'em oop again, und dot vhas nineteen glasses more. Den Shon Plazes he leads me twice aroundt und says:" " ' Carl Dunder, you tinks you vhas made a Half-shell aheady, hut you vas mistaken, Put oudt your left hind! Dot vas goot. Now, my frendt, vhat vas der foundation stone of liberty, equality und brotection?' " Und eaferypody lifts oop his voice, und groans oudt: ' All der lager a man vhants 1" Dat means I vhas to tap a fresh keg; und I pelieve dot growd drinks more as forty glasses, I doan' like it so previous like. I didt, but my frendt Shon Plazes tells me to lie down on der table on my pack, und shut my eyes, Vhen I vhas in bosition he hit me tree dimes mit his fist in der stomach, und gries oudt; "' Vhen he vhas alife he vhas kind mit der boor; vhen he vhas deadt we forgot his faults! Brudders, vhat vhas der great brinciple dot leads to charity und penevolence ? " " Und eaferybody shumps to his feet, und yells oudt: 4 Some moie lager und cigais 1' Vhell, I set 'em oop once moie, und den I vhas so madt dot I take up my glub und clean dot growd out mit der street. I pelief he vhas a fraud on me. I pelief dot Shon Plazes tells all der poys, und it vhaa a put up shob. I lose my peer and cigars, und somebody carries oft more ash ten bottles of vhisky from my par, und I vhas no more a Half-shell as you are. If dot vhas some vhay to insure me so dot my vhife und Katie haf some mourring goods und puy me a gravestone mit a lamb on top, I go out of pollytics right avhay. Oxcuse me dot I shed some tears, und kick oafer der shairs und tables, for I vhas madt like some cats on a gloze-line." —Cail Dunder in Dtroit Free Press.