The Other Sort of Swindler.

Waikato Times, Volume XXII, Issue 1794, 5 January 1884, Page 6

The Other Sort of Swindler.

There were six or eight of us in the smoking car as the train was running down to West Point from Atlanta, and everything was lovely until the seventh man got on at a small station. He had no sooner entered the car than he looked fixedly at the man who had been telling us snake stories, and directly he walked up to him and called out : "Ha 1 you infernal swindler, I've found you at last ! " " Who's a swindler ? " " You are ! " " I never saw you before I " " You're a liar, and I'm going to pound $18 worth of cash out of you 1 " It was presently discovered that he recognized the enako story man as a fruit tree agent who had sold him soms grapo vines which did not show up, and he was spitting on his hands and making re.dy to do the pounding, when the other remarked : "My dear fellew, I insist upon it that you are mistaken. I was never in the fruit-tree business, and I never swindled you out of »18.» | " I say you did." " I " Never ! Instead of swindling you out of | $18 on grape vines, I am the man who charged you $16 too muou fora sewing machine, and here's your money."

" Well, now, I come to look more closely at you, I believe you're right," said the seventh man. " Of course I'm right," growled the other, as he counted out the money, " and I -warn you to be a little mo c careful in future. I have a reputation to sustain, and grape vine swindles are not in my line. Here's your §16, and now I think you ought to apologise."— Detroit Free Press.

A Quick-handed Parson, It was in the Carolina backwoods. A country couple and parson. When he had finished the ceremony he said : " An' them 'uns who God have joinod— " " Stop thar, parson," said the groom ; don't say them 'uns— say the3e 'uns." "John," oaid the parson, "I tech you at school, and I say them 'uns." " These 'uns I" shouted the groom, drawing his pistol. The parson, seeing the movement, fired through hia surplice, and the groom dropped dead, winging the parson as he went down. There was a lively f usilade of, perhaps, thirty shots. When the smoke cleared half a dozen men were on the floor. The bride, peeping j over the pulpit, to which she had lied for refuge, gazed mournfully on the scene and said : " Them a-self-cockin' pistols is a playin'— with my prospecks."— Durantfo Herald, •

The Railroads of Italy. Good-by, Eorael We have departed I But we're lost in admiration of the way a train ia started from a great Italian station. Eight conductors in collusion 1 No. I—LocLs1 — LocLs doors in order tbafc there may be no confusion in a sniaah-up or a murder. No. 2— A big bell rattles ; how its brazen voice is growing. Like an auctioneer it prattles, " Who will start it? Going 1 Going I " No. 3—lnforms3 — Informs a neighbor that the train is locked and waiting (uniformed and wears a sabre.) No. 4 — Perambulating, toots a bugle for a minute — slow-ly as if time were ended and eternity were in it sluggish, soft, serene and splendid. No. 5 — A proclamation reads though hoarse with influenza — reads aloud, then through the station shouts " Partenza 1 Oh, Partenza 1 " No. 6 — A banner flutters with languid show of leisure. No. 7 — The engine utter 3 a wild yell that rends the azure. No. 6— Eewaves his banner. No. 4 — Eetoots his trumpet in a very muffled rnanuer (hinting of a buttered crumpet.) No. B— Struts down the platform, calm, majestic, light and airy (what delinquent, seeing that form, dare lequest the train to tarry? — and he casually expresses his opinion of the steady-going vehicle, and guesses it pretty neaily ready I No. 4 — Lets loose the muscles of his mouth upon the sturdy bugle, and again lie tussles with an overture from Verdi. No. I—Now1 — Now forward rushes, face aglow and footstep hastened, shakes the doors and pull 3 and pushes, quite surprised to find them fastened. No. 2— The big bell clatters; still its brazen voice is growing ; like an auctipneer it clatters "Who will start it? Just a going 1 " No. 3 — His hand upraises, (Nos. 1 and 2 approving,) at the engine breathless gazes, and the train — is — slowly moving, Off again, still southward bearing, down the bright peninsula (" all the wicked bandits daring," Betty Bellows tells her ma-,) off again the cais are whirling, past the tomb of G. Metella, past the people smoke a-curling from the emperor's ruined villa. Here the aqueduct goes loping, overtaken by disaster ; feebly looted to the coping trail convolvulus and aster. For erecting heavy arches looped along the dry compagna, which the sultry summer parches, Claudius ■ had u. dreadful mania. On to Naples, that romantic vision in the silver cresent, and Vesuvius gigantic with its menaces incessant. Ha 1 a town 1 A slow-up whistle ; here we'll pause and buy a bottle of the native wine', for this'll wet a traveller's dusty throttle. Up and down the land of Dante hear the myriad voices crying: "Fiascho vino di Chianti 1 " hucksters for a market vying. " Woman ! Ici I Combien ? Quanto 1 Dost coroprencz-vous, 0, maiden? Quanto flasko? For I want to buy the drink with which you're laden — Dame ! — Oh I — AUoz ! — Schnell — Su via I—Allez1 — Allez llam in a flurry 1 S'esfc trop ! Ich will geben sic a — mezzo I Here ! Confound it ! Hurry I " Shod with neither shoe nor sandal, see her traffic with beholders, -while two tawny babies dandle in a swing between her leg*. All her tangled tresses mingle o'er her head, and she has crowned it with a square and spollea3 shingle with a lmen cuitain rouud it. " Quanto ? " Train reluctant lingers. Point I at the flahk I covet. Holds fhe up three chubby fingers — "So much for a bottle of it 1 " She is stocked with no assortment, but in pantomine we dicker, and I bear to my compartment one flask of the native liquor. On again. I sip my nectar — vinegar! and gall and gentian 1 Where's that woman ? I suspect her of a poisonous intention. These are crime 3 the land has blackened. It is sour and I despise it. Happy thought 1 I'll carry it back and let Doremus analyze it. — F>om "A Mickummei: Lark" by W. A Groffut.

A coimKSPONDENT wants to know why green turtle is the soit almost exclusively used for food. We are not veiy sure, but -we surmise that the green turtle id caught easier than al« most any ather kind. — Texas Sif tings.

Useful Inventions. A German has invented a safe that, on its lock being tampered with, throws open it 3 doors, seizes and drags and locks in the burglar, and handcuffs and hold him in readiness to be conducted to the Police Court in the morning. Another fellow is experimenting with a set of books for the use of county officers, which, as soon as a fraudulent entry is made in them, will, by means of a clever electrical contrivance, sound an alarm on the Court House bell.

Pbofessor to a youn> lady student — " Your mark is very low, and you have only just passed." Young lady—" Oh, I'm so glad. ' Professor, surprised—" "Why ? " Young lady — "I do so love a tight squeeze." — College Exchange.