Spoopendyke buys a Printing Press.

Waikato Times, Volume XXI, Issue 1771, 10 November 1883, Page 6

Spoopendyke buys a Printing Press.

Spoopendyke oame home one night bringing a small bundle in his arms. "It's a printing press, on which I expect to do all my own printing hereafter," he said. 11 Oh, but isn't thai lovely ? " fluttered Mrs Spoopendyke, rushing to her husband's side ; " and can't we do the lovliest things with it ? Is it the kind that the Herald, and Sun, and all those papers are printed with ? " " Oh, yes, Mrs. Spoopendyke," growled her husband ; " you've hit it exactly. This is the very kind. I got Mr. Bennett to kindly try it on, so as to get it the same size as the Herald is printed on." " And will you print papers with yours, like Mr. Bennett and the other editors?-" continued Mrs. Spoopendyke, timidly. " Oh, but won't I though I " yelled her husband. "It needed a dodgasted female to think of that. You've struck the proper plan. Think you can print a fifty by sixty show-bill with a three by' four press ? Well, I tell ye that ye can't. Can you get it into your measly head that this is a card press, and can only print a card three inches by four inches ? " " Oh, it's a card press, is it ? " ventured Mrs. Spoopendyke j then we can print those beautiful Christmas cards on it, can't we ? " 11 Now you've got it,"yellei her husband. "That's the idea. It prints in thirty -five different colors at one impression, and any design, from the picture of an old crank with a seal-skin overcoat, loafing around somebody's chimney with a game-bag full of jumping-jacks to the New Year, 1883, represented by. a hump-back baby dressed in a broad grin, with a napkin] tied around his waist, driving out the old year, dressed as an old tramp, with a mowing-machine and a gallon jug of whisky under his arm. That's the idea, exactly. Think you can print chromos and' lithographs on it, don't you? Well you can't. You can only print one color, and that is black. Think you can grasp it now?" " Well, said Mrs. Spoopendyke, " I suppose you can print visiting cards on.it ? " " Yes, Mrs. Spoopendyke, I can," said her husband', in a softer tone, and he grew in a milch better humour as he proceeded to show -his wife the press, and exhibit .his dexterity in the use 'of the type arid the press. At last he got his' worthy helpmeet's name setup intypeVand proceeded to put the chase" r on'the prtiss with a grand flourish. But in an .evil hour he_ hid forgotten' to key it up, and •afc^ajfouoh the' whole .business went into pi, next fell in a confused mass all ver the carpet.-, -~~-* - '* -\ A* r :/,

" Why, what mates it do that ? " said Mr». Spoopondyke, laughing. 11 What makes it do what, Mrs. &?" answered her husband, as he hit his head on a corner of a table in a mad dive after the type. "What d'ye s'poss makes it do itl What makea anything dv auy thing ? If I had yonr talent for asking idiotic questions I'd get a glass of beer and a Ihree-inclupaper collar, and hire out as a prosecuting attorney." By this time the worthy gentleman had got the name set up and securely fastened, and was printing with great gusto ; but he had, unfortunately, set the type - in the- wrong order, and the 1 -.i; c.r/ht perfumed visitingcards came oui like tha ' /lowing :— .ehj inepoopS .sril When Mrs. Spjopendyke saw it, sha set up a little scream. '• Oh, iin't that funny, though ? What makss it vr.ong side up ?" " Funny 1 " howled her husband, with horrid derision, as he grasped the situation. •" Its a perfect thunderbolt of fun. It's the most deliciously humorous thing of the century. All you need is an advertisement of * liver pills on tho cover, and a joke about a goat on the first page, to be a comic almanac. With your appreciation of humor, all you need is a broad grin and three thousand dollars' worth- of stolen diamonds, to be the leading commedienne of the American boards. Can't you see the measley type's turned wrong ? They have only got to be turned around the other way." After half an hour of diligent labor, the types were again in position, securely keyed up, and put on the presg. When the final arrangements were completed, Mr. Spoopendpke turned round to wink at the baby, and incautidusly left hia thumb over the edge of the press. >As luck would have it, Mrs. Spoopendyke, in her anxiety to show her husband how well she understood and appreciated the press, brought ■ the lever down, and the press closed on that gentleman's thumb, making him jump four feet, and utter an exolamation that would have made the second lieutenant of a company of pirates blush. " Dod gast the measly printing press," he shrieked, as he smashed the base burner with it, and then he threw it in the alley. " Haven't you got any sense scarcely ? Why didn't you go on with the entertainment ? The measly thing only got as 'far as the bone. Why don't you finish the chapter ?" and Mr. Spoopendyke danced up stairs, fivo at a time, with a parting injunction to his wife to hire out for a slaughterhouse. • "Well," said Mrs. Spoopendyke, as she picked up the baby, and put a pitcher of water where her husband would be sure to fall over it when he went down stairs in the morning, "if we have so much trouble in printing one word, I wonder how Mr. Bennett gets along with a whole newspaper to print." — Brooklyn Eagle.