CLIPPINGS.

Waikato Times, Volume XXI, Issue 1766, 30 October 1883, Page 4

CLIPPINGS.

; , . It was the fellow who stepped on a tack who first, remarked " the iron has entered my sole." \Vn\- are ti.e flats of a granary like 11 continued " tales '--Because they are cereal storeys. ' J u WiiEtf a man begins to go down bill, " says a cynic, "he fiadi everything •greased for the occasion." A xi'ECTATOR <it one of the theatres in Berlin, as n young lady of the ballet made her first appearance, exclaimed, " Splendidly got np !" Another spectator, who »at next to Ijim, made a polite bow and said, "Thank you!" "Ah," said the fornvT, " I suppose yoa arc the father of the youii" artiste?" "No." "Hoi brother?" " No." "No." "Then who the dickens aye you, I should like to know ?" '" I supplied the padding." The JUroness X. has a charming but terrible- indiscreet little daughter The other "lay, in the midst of a lecoption, the little one died and wuthed on account of the toothache. Her. mother tni'd to console her. " There, my darling, be reasonable, don't cry ! Your toothache \v'h\ pass away." "How will it go away ?" xepliedtho child, her >oice bioken by Bobs. " I can't take my teeth out, as you can, mamma !" A Lucky Individual.— A life insurance agent called one day on Sandy Brown at Symington for the purpose of getting him to insure his life. Sandy proving obstinate, the agent had to support his arguments by direct proof. " Look, Mr. Brown," paid he—" your cousin, Thomas Brown, was insured only two months when lie died, and his widow thus got two hundred pounds for sixty shillings." " Oh, yes," responded Sandy, " that's a' very weel ; but then Tamas was nye ane o' the lucky individuals '." He was on his knees before her, and with a voice tremulous with passion, he said, " Nothing shall separate ns evermore, my darling? For your sake I will beard the lion in his den— l will face death on the battk- field? I will skim the sens ! I will endure all hardships, all suireiing, all misery !"' He paused and looked engerly at her, with his whole soul quivering in his eyes. " '>V\\\ you do all this for the pake of my love":" said she, gazing earnestly .it him. "Yes, yes— a thousand timis yes?" '•And if we get married (here she blushed sligbtly) will yon get up first, and light the tire ?" With a shriek of despair he fled. A Genti-rman s Cii vkai'Tkk.— The following clear definition of a gentleman appeared in an Amciican paper :— " The I gentleman is distinguished from him who is not a gentleman by mortal qualities which have won the highest place in the respect and admiration of the world. The gentlemen restrains his pis-dons and subdues his sclfishnebs ; he considers the comfort of others before his own ; he respects the personality of those with whom he is brought in contact ; lie never takes an unfair advantage ;he is scrupulously regardful of hi" own hoiior.doubly scrupu- j loos if the honour of othcis he committed | to his keeping ; and may lack mcnt.il culture, but lie is never v ithout mental refinement ; he may h.we an unpolished e\ tenor, but never a base nature ; courage he has, but shows it less in facing danger than in meeting lesponsihihty ! if not always sincere, he is ahv.ijs reliable ; and to him it may be safely committed all that others hold mo^t dear, in simple teliaiice upon his honour ; ho is a man whose manly traits arc penetrated and modified by the gentleness of w Oman's nature, and who still piescrses and endeavours to constantly act upon the manliest of instincts— magnanimity."' I'iiksidknt AuTiiri; is said to be fond of playing practical jokes. A party^ of his friends being on a "isit fiom New Yoik, the Picsident had shown them through the White House. Thry were loud in their piabe of the improvements in the Presidential mansion. Coming through the east room, or genet ally reception-room, Mr. Arthur halted, and said, in the most seiious manner, "Do yon see that coloured man standing over there ? "—pointing to a woll-piet-ei ved specimen ot the Ah ioan lace. "Well," continued the host, "he has a mo&fc remarkable history." "How .so?" " Guess." said Mr Aithur. " An c\ileking 'i" said a bewitching young lady, a member of the paity, "An uK-stieet-commissioner ?" observed a piaetical "W.ill-sticet broker, " Neither," said Iho President. " Libten !He has been sold into slavery over seven bundled tunes." " Impossible I" ''Fact, I assume jou,"' said Mr. Arthur. The colouicd man was called over and questioned. "My good man, "said the W.ill-hticct Inoker, "is it true th.it ym have been sold into slavery moie than seven huudied times?" The sou of Ham showed his white teeth and bowed. tl llemaikable !'' was the general reponse. " What are you doing now ?" was asked. " well, boss, I'm travelling with Mr Ki.il's " Uncle Tom's Cabin " company. I am put on the auction-block eveiy night and sold." A Gentleman's Gentleman.— The following anecdote is told of the eccentric Lord Redesdale. Eaily one morning he made his way to the mansion of the Earl of Lucan. He was dressed in sporting garb, for he was going to attend a racemeeting, his hat was on awry, and a cigar was between his lips. He rang at the front door, and tiie earl's best man— and equisite of the fir^t water— answered the summons. " I-> the eail at home?" "No, sir! The he.ul is not at 'ome." He mistook tiie caller for a sportiHg servant, very likely seeking employment. "Do you know if he ha-> gone to "Windsor. But I'll tvll yon what I do know my man. You'd be doing of yerself a wast deal o' credit hif you'd honly just run around to the sign o' the Bull an' down, hand fetch me a pot of 'alf .m'-'alf. " All right, wherc's your money?" "Wy, bless you, I don't find money for them as I li.is to hanswer the bell for ! ' Aven't you got a sixpenny bit of yer own?" "I guess I can fynd one." And away his lordship went, really enjoying the business, and shortly returned with a tankard of foaming halt-and-lmlf. The valet drank it with a keen relish, emptying the pot, and then offered to return it, ■with — "There, my pood fellow — I'm much — "' But the visitor put the pot back, and cut the speech short with "Return the tankard youiself, my man ; and, when your master returns, be kind enough to tell bun that Lord Redesdalo called." His Lordship left the daxed and confounded valet sui porting himself against the door-post, the pewter-pot fallen to the floor, his face the pictuie >f horror and despair, looking for all the world like one who wished he had never bsen born ! Rats and Mice.— lf you wish to destroy them get a packet of Hi! i.'sM vc.it Vi'rmin Kili kr in packets, Cd, 9d, and Is, to be obtained of all storekeepers, or from T. B. Hnr. by enclosing an i-xtra stamp. Onk Shilling. — Francis ,T. Shortcs' Popular Art Union. — Ten first-class, Oil Paintings by celebrated artiste. SOOO tickets nt Is. The prices arc magnificent and costly. Country subscribers sending stamps or otherwise will have tickets by return post. Enclose (.(.mined envelope for reply.— Fkanc Is J. bnoiui, 140, Queen-street, Auckland.— f,Ai»vi.] Likk in thkßu.sh— Tjihx a\jj Now. — It is generally supposed that in the bush we lia\c to put up with many discomforts and privations. in the shape ot food. Formerly it was so, but now, thanks to T. B. Him, who has himself dwelt in the bus)), if food dm ■> consist chiefly of tinned meatb his Col oviai Sauci* gives to them a most delectable flavour, making them as well of the plainest food most or ioj.ible, and instead as hard biscuits and indigestible d.nnpcr his ImpkoVed Colonial Baking Powdi r makes the very best bread, scones, rakes, and pastry far superior and more wholesome th.in or leaver). Sold by all storekeepers who can obtain it from any merchant in Aiirkland. You will do well to furnish your house from, Garlic): and Cratnvpll's. They have now the most complete Furnishing Warehouse in Auckland, {urnituie to suit all classes, good strc.-.R, nnd cheap. Thcv have Tapestry Carpets lrom 2s 3d per yard, Brussels from 3s lid per yard. Linoleum from 3s Od to ss, Oil Cloths from Is Od to 4s Od per yard, good 12 feet wide Oil Cloths at 3s 0d per yard. Immense assortment of Iron Bedsteads from Infants' Cots to 5 feet wide baif-tcsrer Bedsteads. Double iron JJedfteadi from 265. '480 Bedsteads in stock to select from. Beddings of all kinds and sues kept in readinrss. Dining, Setting, Drawing-room Furniture) find anditargftaiiorfment of Manchester are Furnishing OfPJ>ds» ipdp&ing a. lot of Cndtonnei. Hook' Catalogues sent free to intending purchaieri.,, i ,wtU<ik apd Crwnwell,