CLIPPINGS.

Waikato Times, Volume XXI, Issue 1726, 28 July 1883, Page 4

CLIPPINGS.

• « ~p*! — A BUXOM Irish girl was lately encaged oa domestic servant. Bridget had not been long with her new mistress when one day, she addressed the Indy thus, " Aud plaiso, ma'am, would you mind askin' the masthcrtt he would be so civil as to make a lithcr for the loikes of me?" Mistress: "You mean you want a letter written for you ? Can you not write for yourself?" Bridget: "Nair a bit, ma'am." Mistress: "We'l, I will writs for you if you tell me what you wish to say, and whom you wislt to address." The letter was to her brother Mick, and with some difficulty the lady got her to explain x\ hat she wished written, and the writing was done, very neatly, too. At the finish Bridget was asked if she wished to put some closing words, such as your affectionate sister, or such like. "Oh, no, thankee, ma'am," replied Biddy, " but if you plaisc, just; put ' l'laibo excuse bad writing and spelling." Bob Tamsom was a sharp boy, but he had a great aversion to school. He trusted more to his natural abilities to get on in the world than in bciui; "crammed." His father had had a lot of trouble with him on this score, and had tried hard to get him to attend regularly, but his efforts were not rewarded with much success. However, as the examination drew near Bob changed his mind and beg-in to attend regular. His father had hopes he might be able to pass. The evening after the examination his father said, " Weel, man Robert, hoo did ye get on in the schule ; I houp ye passed the examination !" "Oh ay, hutlier, I did." "Did ye man ? I aye kenned ye as a clever laddie, if ye wnd only gang regular. In what did ye pass in particular?' "In Tain Broon's cuddy cairt, on my way to a circus gang through the toon." And before his father had got over his surprise Bob had passed out of reach of a stick that stood in a corner for certain purposes. A Minuter was soliciting aid for missions, and applied to a gentlemen, who refused him with the reply, " I don't believe, in foicign missions. I want what I give to benefit my neighbours.' " Well," rejoined the minister, "whom do you regard as your neighbours .'" " why, those aionnd me." " Do you mean those whose land joins yours ?" inquired the minister. " Yes." " Well," said the minister, " how much land do you own ?" •' About five hundred acres,'' " And how far down do you own '!" " Why, I have never thought of it before, but I suppose I own halfway through." " Exactly," said the clergy, man, " I suppose you do, and I want this money tor the New Zealanders, the men whose land joins yours at the bottom." Weaver Wrr.r, was a well-known character in the town of G. Wull, wlio has a strong partiality foi stiong drink, happened to get lather dumU one night, aud in going home got 80 tired that, coming to a quiet corner, he laid down and fell asleep. Some young fellows seeing Wall 1} ing snoi ing resolved so have a " lark" with him, bo they gently temoved him into a dark cellcr. Getting some phosphorus, they rubbed it on their and \Vull\s hands and taci-s and then w.ikened him up. Wull, on seeing the stnte they wcie in, inquncd feni fully, " Whaur am I ?" " Yo'io deid,"' haul one of the young men. " Hoo lang liivl been deid?"' "A fortnight." "And arc ye deid tae ? ' " Yes." "Hoo lang hiv you been deid ?" " Three weeks." " Then," said Wull, " you'll be J/uttor acquaint here aboot than me, heie's a slullin' ; away loond and see if you canna get half-a-niuchkiu." A NERVors man, w hose life was made miserable by the clattcmig of tuo blacksmiths, picvniled on each of thorn to remove by the otter of a hbeial pecuniaiy compensation, When the money wa& paid down, he kindly inquired what neighboui hood they intended toieniovc to. " Why, sii," implied .lack, with a gi in on his phi/, " Tom Smith moves to my shop, and 1 ino\c to hib.'' Hokaci: (ini.i.i,i,\ u-.ed to tell this story. Uo once sent a claim ioi collection to a Western lawyer, and, regarding it as rather a desperate demand, told the attorney if lie collected it he might reserve half the amount for his fee. In due time Mr (ireelyreceivedthcfollowing laconic epistle :— " Dear Sir,— l have succeeded in collecting my half of that claim. The balance is hopeless." A sentimlntvl young lady asks : " Why is it that two souls, mated in the impenetrable mystery of their nativity, float by e.K-h othci on the ocean currents of existence without being instinctively drawn together, blended and beautified in the assimilated alembic of eternal love ?" " It is because buttei is eighteonpi i nce a pouml, and a good sealskin cobts as high as £'2">." A "^excellent story is told of a British soldier in Kgypt. His colonel, observing him one morning u ending 1 his way to camp with a fine Egyptian rooster in his arms, halted him to know if lie had been stealing chickens. "^No, colonel." was the reply ; " I just &aw the old fellow sitting on the fence, and I ordered him to crow for old Kngland, and he wouldn't, when I confiscated him for a rebel." Ax Oj!Kl>ii:st Son.— '• How old are ye?' 1 baid Mr Major Kiplins to a dwarfish young man. "Twenty." "I ■wonder you aien't light down ashamed of beiiiK no bigger ; you look like a boy often." "All comes of being a dutiful child." " How so ?" "When I was ten, father put his hand on my haul and said ' £>(opt/itu\' and he then tan away; I'\enot seen him since, and didn't think it right m me (o yo on (polling uit/iotit Jus Ictrvc." Lettlm. §SOO Dkop. — A solomn-look-ing citixen appeared at police headquartets lately, and, beckoning the chief into a prhare loom, said ; — "You know that #SOO iobbeiy at my house that I reported yesterday morning ?" "Certainly, and I have pub two of our best men on the case, and — ■" " Well, I ahem — I have decided not to pursue the matter. You needn't take any further steps. In fact—" " You don't mean to say that you have recoveicd the money ?" "Oh! no— not at all." "Found a clue, eh?"' "Well n-o-o, not exactly. The fact is the money was taken out of my ti ousei s at night, and — and — this morning my wife had .sent home a ne\r sealskin sack." "Ah."' "And so you sec I have about concluded to let the matter drop." and with a deep sigh the bereaved husband drifted out. A stranger, journeying in France, fell sick ; his friend called in a medical man, who damn red about giving his professional services, fearing the wherewithal might not bo foithcoming to settle his bill. The friend, piodueing a hundred -fianc bill, said, "Kill him or cure him, this isyouio." The s>ick man died and w.is> buried ; and the doctor, finding his money slow to appear, reminded the survivor of the debt. — " Did you cure him?" he asked, "No, sir." '• Did you kill him ?" " Certainly not." • ' Then yon have no claim on me, sir ; I ■wish you good-day." That was a capital sarmon the vicar preached last neet,"' said a Choppiugton man who had been attending Bothal church: "he taaked aboot the erossin' o' the river Jordan rich an' poor alike in fine fashion '.'' "Aa divenfc knaa whaat be said aboot the rivor Jordin," replied a listener ; " but aa knaa that the parson hes a wood bridge ower the Wensbeck, an' he'll let nebody gau ower but hissel 1" Some gentlemen dining at a tabled' hole, the conversation turned upon oysters, •which several of the company contended showed a sagacity that argued that they must hare got brains. A yomig mail who had taken an unduly prominent part in the conversation,, to the annoy* ance of an elderly gentleman, his neighjbour, turned to. the latter and said, 'SDo yon believe, that oysters ,have brains,?" "Certainly, I do sir," was tbe, prompt and pointed reply, sjnee they know when q shut vp," , un , , „ , I