CLIPPINGS.

Waikato Times, Volume XX, Issue 1704, 7 June 1883, Page 4

CLIPPINGS.

Men often mistake their prejudices for leason, and their hypocrisy for virtu re. " TiMR workers woulers," as the woman said when she got married .after a thirteen years' eouitship, " Wiivt part do you perform in the drama of life ?" asked a wit of a p'asant. " I mind my own business," was the reply. "AnKyour fooling very ill?" asked the physician ; " let me see your tongue, pic ise." " It's no use doctor." replied the patient, " no tongue can toll how bad i feel." A post-boy having diiven a gentleman a long stage tluough torrents of rain, the gentleman said to Paddy, " Are you not very wet ?" " Arrah ! I don't care about being wet ; but, please your honour, I'm very dry. 1 ' Aw agricultural society offered a premium for the best mode of irrigation, which, being printed irritation by mistake, au old fanner of much experience in that line sent his wife to claim the prizo. Two commercial travellers comparing notes: "I have been out three weeks, said the first," and have only got fourorders," "That beats me," &aid the other ; " I have been out four weoks and have only got one order, and that's an ordor from thu firm to come home." " My friend." said a doctor to his Irish patient, " be composed ;we must all die once." " An' it's that vexes me,", replied Pat. "If it wore more than oust, share I'd bcaisy enough. A Siwday school teacher, who had almost become discouraged over the listlcness of her class, at last felt rewarded by mi interesting look from a little girl. The le.ward was lost when the little creature touched abiacelet on on the lady's arm, and asked, "Teacher, •re them threaded on 'lastic :" A gilded youth, speaking to one of his friends who had just announced formally his approaching marriage, confessed himself to be in a dilemma, "for," said he, "I should like to be able to congratulate you both, but you sec, as I do not know the lady I can't conscientiously congratulate you, while ns I do knov you I can't conscientiously congratulate the lady." WitKJf a man fishes for a compliment lie is apt to m-*t more tlmn he wants, '.the best \v«iy In which to get pruiso is to tto nomotlimg which demands it, An ttctor Once silid to Gal lick i " Duu't you 1 think I struck out some beauties in my rioting last night?" And the great Comedian replied without changing a Inusole, " Well, yes, J thought you (struck them all out.'' On one occasion %\ hen the calcinated Mr Curran was addressing the jury, an ass began to In ay, whuicnpon the jndgo intcirupted him, haying, " One ,it.i time, Mr Cut i. -ui, if you please. ' The .speech being finished the judge began his chaige, and duiingit progress the ass sent foith tlio full foice of its lungs, whciuupon the advocate said, " My loid, niy loid, do you not heai a lemaikable nlm in the conit ''." Till" company liapponed to be discussing tl.e subject of nocturnal n<vsnUs upon unofTciidiug pissois-by. " J''or my pa it,' 1 said Doctor X., "I was attacked only once in my life. I had been practising about a year in the town of some lmpoitancn, and one night I was set upon my four masked men, beaten to a jell}', sir, and left for dead." " L'ul you never discover the authois of the outiagp, doctor?'' "Yes, sir, I did ; three staiving undertakeis."

V VlMTOU'tf KKMIMsCKM'K. lie hung his ( ij it on ihe r.u kin the hall, J ho i it k in the li ill, 1 he r.K k in (lie lull, He then went in to perform his nil, io perform Ins < ill At length lie ( .ime 1) u k to the rat k in the hall, J lv i k k in the h ill. ihe r.K k in the h ill, Iho rack it u is thi ie, but th.it \\.i-. .ill, J i tit ill it w is .ill, hut lh.it v.is ill , J ho rack it was then , but that was all. Kmi.ksdn's Fi: \\k\i people knew of Einei son's pin ate and paiticulai tastes. That he 'lo\ul hoisc>, and thciefoic was accju'iinttd with tlicin.nul theii points, isUnow n. Anotiier tlnng which as i dated ot him shows his c.mdoiii of mind and freedom fiom \anity. A friend went to hummed iy and asked In in w hat lie meant l>y acoitaiu p.i>sage in om' of his essay-. Tht es--.iy was one of his culler cfloi tv Einei took tlie book and looked at the passat^! in question, .md, altct a inomuit, ti plied • " \\ oil, I must ha\e known what I meant, and 1 must have nifci'it soim tlimu' at tin- tiim* it was ■w'litten, but I am sine I don't know." A nui.Miof Sn lOdwiu Landspcr, who aceomp,i'ii"d him to Kmsington Museum, on the first occasion of its exhibition by gj&lL'lit, iclat'js that Lantlsuci stooped shoit before hid Imgc picture "A Visit to Waterloo.' 1 " I must have been nuid, ' fcaid lip, " when t piinteit that." And walking up to the picture he placed his hand over the pait which bad attracted his criticism. An attendant policeman shouted his polite caution— " Now then, take ycr 'and 3 o(F there !'" " My good man," said Sir Edwin, " I was merely remarking how bad that was." " Then, why don't ycr uo and do better?' 1 anid Bobby, who had no idea to whom lie was speaking. "Quite right— quite tit^ht? I ttin ashamed of it I" icturnect .Sir Kdwiti,

Thi: Okaxoi; Tnn; - Tlie orange tree is one- of tlio mn!>t bu.iuti ful and lnteies>fcJnjr of \p<ji table giowth". I*.s botanical name is C\hii<, said to bednmed from the town of Citiom in India. It belongs to genus of pl.int known eisthenatur.il oiders of Am autuiniK ,01 " golden fiuit bearers." Tt is from the low Jyttiti J'o/mim Ainnn(titni \v(t got the woid " oiange,' 1 which occuis in clifFui out forms in several languages. The genus Citms oontihisa laige numbei of (-pecics .md vaiieiie^, the fiuits being know n under such names as orange, lemo.,,lnne, sliaddo< k, punpilmorc, forbidden fruit, kuinquat, and cition. It may be mentioned that the species of 0, yltiiKiifimn, with its varieties of s>\vect oranges, is th.it which i> boH known to the inhabitants of the British Islands. I'koi'lssok I''iuj)i.rick Sii Jtr.N's has hit upon a device to gi t more light ont of gas than is ordinal lly obtained tiom binners, having found a mean* by which the nit that mingles with the g.i-. at the timr* of cmnbu-tion i-^ heated by contact with porcelain conductors to a white heat, while at the same time the flicker caused by impel teetcombu-tion at the edges of the 11-iine. is done away with by causing the ilaine to double upon itself in such a manner that oombu^ion is complete aud the flame peifcctly steady. The vacuum which diaws the flame down is cau«ed by the rush of heated air which goes to feed tho flame. Siemens burners now in use, give twice the light that the same amount of gas buined in an ordinal y but net- of the best conduction would give. So far no burneis of this pattern have been made of less power than five hundred eandic. In these burners tho flame Uso large and hot that the prneelnin is hatedt o n degice not possible in asinallbniner for domesticnt.©. — J!ot>luii Transcript. An extraordinary wedding is reported from Charlotte, Noith Carolina, that of a blind gii Ito <v man uho was deaf and dumb. It was not to be expected that such an event would escape the observation of facetious Western journalism ; nor did it. A local paper took occasion to point out that by this man iage each of the parties would acquire an oppoituuity to practise little pantomimic scenes from which ordinary married folks were entirely debarred, When they quarrelled, for instance — the wife being unable to see, while the husband could not hear or speak— she could hurl at him broadside after broadside of &teal-pointed invective ; and the poor man could but stand there, study the motion of her lips, and fondly imagine she was telling him how sorry she was that anything should come between them. He. on the other hand, could sit down, shake his fists, and make hideous grimaces, she all the while thinking he was sitting his face buried in his hands, and hot lemoiseful ttwa fltreaming fromjiis oyes,