GLEANINGS.

Waikato Times, Volume XX, Issue 1678, 7 April 1883, Page 4

GLEANINGS.

It is »id.«»o^i|wl,§]W?%HWnw ' «»* braces seventeen million .women. Who woiJaME btfsfcenfcqs !> 'J / H 'A'Jir AtDdwSrEaiitieditor M\im •¥« jeadors | if thw'.Viah .Wifrh'ttetlt^mW fo K° and steakfcuife urtowa-A ,watp.n dog *!. )P a guard, >>-\\ Awtfoinorqus Whin, deqlftres, r ,h#.JB,,rao fond of his girl tha|t..'hc A ,,h.as,i rubbed the skin from his nose by kissing her shadow on the wall,- . < i -i' f i • '-' <•' ,' i i ' » .. I«--good old Bible times it was consiclet«Hfa. > wlii l acleifoK,4n as«f to' Speak>, and now nothing short of a miracle will keep ono quiet. .» i ,'. ' / ''i •',_, A boke, meeting Douglas Jerrojd, said, « Mrwiiat^ coing ' op to-day t '• 1' arti." replied Douglas, darting past the omftxM"""' < •'< •■'"'* -I- ••' '«:'T i fl ftkfc in Newcastle, 1 who served fouft days on tt'jury, says 1 he is so i full of.Jlaw, I that it is hard;W,ork for hinvto,k;eep from cheating somebody. A d©g, who, h,a,d lost the whole of her interesting family, was .seep trying to poke a piece of • crape thrpugh the keyhq^jOf aJNew'Yprk/Bai\sage,shop.'.a J New'Yprk / 8ai\sage,shop. '. , A clkugymax once quarrelled with a country squire,- who,, said : "Doctor, your gown is your protection." It is so,"'Miatne par«on t "but it shall not" J3e yours." He then?, thrashed the,, squire soundly. * ' •HVhat brought you to prison, '-my coloured, friend?" "Two constables, sah." "Yes,- but I mean had intemperance anything to, do with, it'?" '("Yes, sah, dey was We of 'em drunk." f A Conxkoticdt Yankee once cleared his house of rats by catching' one and dipping him in red paint. He then let him? loose, and the other rats, not. liking hu JbokB, left immediately. . . , , (We once heard of a grocer who, was so, mean that he was seen to catch a fly off, his counter, hold him up : by his hind legs, and look in the cracks of his feet to see if he hadn't been stealing some of his sugar.' l ; ' ' •' , ''.'..' Lawyer : " How do you identify this Handkerchief ?'" Witness : "By its general appearance, and the fact that I haVo' others like it." Lawyer: "That's no proof, for I have one just like it in my pocket." Witness: "I don't doubt it. I've had more than one of the same sort stolen." - Preliminary Information.— ln the editor's room of one of the Dublin newspapers, there is a memento that is unique in its way. It is a telegram in a neat frame,' and was sent to the editor by a genius of a reporter a few weeks apo in the following words : -"Please keep column open. Horrible outrage, 10 p.m. this evening." ;, " Tub following, which shows how the "doctrine" is iustilled into people, is from the Mi'dicd Times :— Visitor ; "Your boy looks very bad, Mrs Jones. What i« the matter ?" Mrs Jones : '•Yes, ma'am, he be very bad ; and what's more, the doctor has made him worse. I'm sure we poor people ought to pray with all our heart— 'From all false doctoi'iu, good Lord, deliver us.' I never saw its meaning afore." Earl Fortescue is not an admirer of talk. Ho was invited to become a member of the Barnstaple Debating Society, but declined, and said he was BOrry to hear of the existence of such a society, and wished it had been formed for writlim cssayo instead. "Public speaking," he snya, "Is a poor substitute for honest industry and porseveranca, I thlnn we in England are now suffering, .not from a deficiency, but from a superfluity of debaters in Parliament, in our municipalities, in our boards of guardians, in short in almost all our various governing and administrative bodies : impeding •business, and gradually tending, as in ■ the United States, to drive away the men most capable of transacting it with ability and integrity, whose time is valuable, and to replace them by jobbers or bores. Excellence in neither debating nor writing can be attained without practice. But written compositions only seek, and do not compel perusal ; while public speaking, liko vivisection, • can -only be practiced, not always without the infliction of some suffering upon ■ living subjects. 1 ' # < Oscar Comi/ttant and a friend went forth one day, says London Society, m search of Hamlet's grave. They traversed the whole town of Elsinore (which was only a fishing village until King Erik of Pommcrn raised it to the rank of a city in 1425), and they reached a hill on which formerly stood au abbey, at the extremity 1 of the terraced gardens of Maripnlyst, where, they were told, they would behold the sublime metaphysician's tomb. Finding nothing, they inqnired of a . passer-by, "Hamlet's tomb, if you please?" "Which tomb is the one you want?" "Which tomb? Are there two •'Hamlet's tombs? He cannot have been . buried in two places at once." " Possibly. ' Nevertheless there have been three Hamlet's tombs, though only half ' a one is still remaining. I must inform you, if you don't know, it * already, that one singly tomb was quite insufficient to satisfy the curiosity of English visitois. At one time there was no Hamlet's tomb at all at Elsinore ; for, as you are aware, the Danish prince never set foot in Zealand, either alive or ."dead. But the English, who came" in crowds to Elsinore, insisted on having one, and somebody made them tomb the •'first. But the crowds of tourists increased to such an extent, and so annoyed the owner of the land where the monu1 went stood, that, in order to divide, if ' Ije could not suppress the flocks of pil- ' ' griins, he set up another tomb at the ' further end of his property. But that did no good ; because the English— you know how curious they are !— wonld visit both the tombs. He, therefore, '• Arivdn to despair, erected a third tomb. " The two first have disappeared, and only ' a portion of tho third remains. I suppose the English have carried away the rest piecemeal in their pockets to enrich their Shakesperian museums." "Thatßaw Boy Again."— " I had a little quiet fun this morning at the breakfast table," said the bad boy. " You' 1 see pa is the contrariest man ever was. ' ! If I complain that anything at the table does not taste «ood, pa says it is all right. This morning I took the syrup pitcher and emptied out the white syrup and put in some cod liver oil that ma is taking for her cough. I put some on my pancakes, and pretended to taste of it, and I told pa the syrup was sour, and not lit to eat. Pa, was mad in a second, and he poured out some on his pancakes, and said I was getting too confoundedly particular. He said the syrup was good enough for him, ; and he sopped his pancake in it and fired some down his neck.. He's a gaul durned hypocrite, that's what he is. I could see by his lace that the cod liver oil was nearly killing him, but he said that syrup was all right, and if I didn't eat mine he'd break my back, and by gosh I had to eat it, and pa said he guessed; he didn't have much appetite, and he ■would just drink a cup of coffee and eat a doughnut. I like to died. But I felt sorry for ma. Ma ain't got a very strong stominack, and when she got some of that cod-liver oil in her mouth she went right up stairs sickern » horse, and , pa had to help her, ,and she had noora^gia all the morning. I eat pickles to take the taste out of my mouth, and theii I T laid for the servants. ,They , ate jtop . much syrup, anyway, and wh*n thpy got on to that cod-liver oil and swajlpwed ( a , „ lot of it, one of them, au Jh-ish-.girJ, fehe' , got up from the table and put, her , hand on/ her corset, and said,. '.Howly Jaysuft, » . and went out in the, kitchen, , as .pale, as ' i nia.fe when, she. , hap, ppw.dpr ,on her fiee 1 ;' and the other girl, who, is, Dutch, she swallowed a.ipaucake ,and ,said f/ ; 'Mine' , Got, vat de matter from/ me,' and 'she went out and leaned^ on the coal bin. , Thpn tbey;talked Irish and,,D,u|;ch, {rod fpf clubs and starjted to Ippk for me, and thought I wouldj cqine .oveß^er.*). The whotefwiiily W'»«ty tongue" the y "iri}J. »•, . g«* oyer #. Pa.and f. are go;ng,out r e*t week, and ,I'll bet we'll have spp^fu^ 1 Pa.'Wys-fcneed.ia. change of air, andf-I ...jthipfc U^iisjgoipg to try and lose me. It s ' a coKftf ajMrhen I left anywhere tib,a>