MICK HOULAHAN'S J.P.

Waikato Times, Volume XX, Issue 1672, 24 March 1883, Page 2 (Supplement)

MICK HOULAHAN'S J.P.

By Donald Cajiekon.

. " I tould ye how I'd brought out my family and settled thim dacently up in Gippsland," said Miok Houlahan one night, as we were all smoking in a hut at one of the Hokitika goldßelds, " but I don't think I eyer gave you 1 the divarting history of my J.P.,, that is, the J.P. I persuaded the Governmint to make ?" "No, indeed, Mick," said Jack , Wilson, 11 and as we are so dull to-nigbt, we'd like to .hearit." , i. ," Bache me the tibacco, and till me a shtiff dhrop of whiskey— bad luck to it," said ,Mick,, " I'll make a shtart.V, , , „. , ". There now,' he added— when he had lit ,his pipe and set itgoingias a censer to Momus, and comfortably settled himself,, bo as not, to incommode him when he took a sip—" I'm ' as ready to begin as the divil was w,hen.&e bagged Nebucnodnazor, bad scran to the black scamp, and may he be far from us this' blessed, night. „ , i.. . \ u > . ",I shtopped wid my father awhile, till they got the farm to rights, an dull enough it, was, for I longed to be on the tramp, and ampng the diggers ,onst more.j.Oßut a ,,fejv,f months before I/lift we, had some, raal fun-'-ran^elec-' tion; ; The ould man that had., been mimbe'r' fqr the district had met; with; some, mishap,an' a ( new gintleman came,, up to n ax ; our ,s,ufferingS|" suffrages. we suppose MJiclq meant, tVand ;imighty, ( pleasant he, was, , as 0 ,y,0u find; all them fellows vwho.jwanti to, be O M.P.when .they, want j your .lYQ^s-r-d^yil,^, 'much there is pleasant about .thim on,ceith.ey get, in/ v Then, r you meet them in,towp,., they'll hold,,op,their noses and, look tiie , other way, 'as if foeyVadipired ' fhe , patthem, p|",fhej no ( useS. J )WelJ, we^d' a 1 ,time of it, u lashings 6f .grpgfand^h'e.hoig^lj $ l fon , ?nt,W. ,bekase^ bijr mah,hadplnity.of;B9 u ?^»<; an -4 ol ?^ ave ? fc .to^us't©^ pluckj^^a.t 'gobse,:; r QJh'e | fman^b.at-, wasjagin^im ,was al'a 1 ' 'qr/spme;, of thjgL fpr,eigners, and," ,po|neh6iw, I tuksuc^ a^ dw^ke agin b^m that I welt into ke «|6^e>fe^feworked as hard, for him as if. he wor me own ' tiratbif: I I v?&8'f0 MBwiipfc td W^oplb, 'antt^got'liim J a lot -of'Vite&i a^d'%hin,tlie ' W&IW 'deciared/ i afi^he''a'lßrig;way at ; the?' 1 fITtSAk I '^ «c KB^pmoife be'

;oken, he had a powdfof wlj^^^poSa^d, ata' jhwore b8 all the saints he'd^tSKt^mjß tiny fa* • " IIPuA 0* sft over ty d^Sk' *?' iheraiitiifl an' 'things settled dcftra qtutjp, I nikswn< faio visit Melbourne xojjiave a bit o{ Eon.laf ■« getting ttfflemoulded}^j.n' af|e¥ I'd bersjfi' i^irhe^reopllected-ii^-^^aiißt^ia^ he did, an' was very pleasant and dacintlyinclined. " 4 You told me" sez I, ♦ that you'd giant me my raisonable favor, be the mortial powers I don'tknow what to ask.' > - ~ - -- i " l Well,' sez he, ' Mick, don't you want yourself or someone, of your friends' "put on the Binch. Th'a't's a'great rirti entirely, and makes d family r&picted'and able to hold up their beads above the, rest. There's that ould divil, Jim Doolan ; he's ,been thryin' to be made a J.£. for years, an' it'll break his heart to see you put on the Binch.' j ''Well, I was a",bit put back, an' didn't well | know what to say 1 , though I wag so tickled at fee idea of being made a' J.P., that I could hardly kape from laughin'. ' j H • why, sure, sir,' sez I, 'twould be little &odd making me a J.P., for I might be in New Zealand or in Africa three months from this!' " ' " 1 " What do you say td your'f ather," sez the M.P., "I liked the look of him. He's 'a dacenl man; wid a good broad' face an' there's plirity of him ; he'd look well' on a Binch?" ' i " That did tickle me so that I laughed out as if I'd bursht. ! " He'd look mighty betther in a pitatee pit," sez'l, " oratin them." ! "Pooh, pooh, Mick," sez the M.P. "you've got' tdo many scruples, there's lota of J.P.'fl' hot half sto' respectable as your father, and iha^ wouldn't grace the Binch like him. All he'll have to do will be' look' wise and to say nothin', they'll think he's' deep." ■ "I needn't tell you ,more about our talk, but atlasht he pershuaded me J into it, an' I went off home, laughin 5 fit to kill meself at one moment, and the next a bit cocked up that fche'head of a family was td be eo'honoured. " The M.r 1 . kep' ' his word, and a few days afther 1 1 arrived, me brother Pat,' who_ had •been in the little town crime home lookin' as if he'd seed a fetch. ' " ' What's the matther with ye, Pat ? sez me' fathex'. " ' 3?aii' '' sez Pat • there's a letther here from the Quane, an' why she writes to us ( bothers me.' , «•• It's mighty dacint of her,'_ sez me mother ; ' I always had a good opinion of her, 1 an' sco wldedyer father forlistenin' to thim Fanians— the blaguards.' 1 " 'Twas handed round and every one had a 'look at the words • On her Majesty's Sarvice,' and mighty proud they all felt; as for me; I sed nothin', knowing what was in it. At ' lasht it was opened an' read, and proved to be a letther asking me father if he'd any objection to be made a J.P., k " ' I can't make it out,' sez me father to me sisther Bridget who'read it— she was the best scholar. " ' "Why, father,' sez she, ' it's plain as the mountain beyant there, the Quane wants to know if you'll be a J.P. "'A J,P.',sezme mother, ' what'sthat — it's nothin about the police, is it ?' " • No,' sez I, • mother, it's askin' me father if he'll be a justice of the peace.' 11 1 The Lord save us, 1 sez me mother, ' a justice of the peace, that's what tho squire was at home, an* do you think your father could take it ? He'd do betther for a judge of pigs. He'd look well on a Binch, wouldn't he?' " 'An' me mother waved wid laughter, and upon me soul I couldn't help joinin' her. Me father put on a black look. ! 11 ' Judy,' says he, 'if it wasn't the country I'm in I'd give you a dacint beating. Your always keepin' me down. I tell you the Quane knows me better, and sends to tell me that she wishes to put honour upon me, an' I wont be the one to send her back the hard word, God bless her. I'll accept and be a J. P. and astonish you, ye omadhoun.' " ' Divil doubt it; 1 says me mother, ' an' yourself as well, however," she added,' Idokin' a bit serious, "it's thefurst J.P. in the family, an's a mighty big honour, so we'd better take it.' " So the upshot was that me father spent a week writin' an answer,' an' at last up came the appointment, an' there was niver a family so grand as the Houlahan's. That J.P. ship made every one of us ' taller be a head, even down to the little gossoon Barney, who minded the pigs, the creathurs. Ari when it 'wint out' that me father was Patrick Houlahan Esq., J.P., maybe there wasn't a great sthir entirely, and Jim Doolan was so mad that he wint on the spree, an' be the strangest chance he was locked up for drunkenness^ the very day before me father was to take his sate on the Binch. For the judge who was thin thravellin', had sworn in my father, an' he wag to take hia sate on the Thursday. There wasn't many of the folks widin miles who didn't make that Thursday a holiday, on purpose to see the great evint, an' a lot of whisky was taken on the road, and before the court opened. I'd been tuthorin' the old man, however, an' had made friends wid the little fellow that' acted as clerk ol the court, and axed him to help the ould man, so I wasn't a bit onaizy, especially as'one of the cutest justices in the diathrict was to sit on the bench wid him as chairman. " ' But I tell you I was a bit knocked 6ver when jusht before the court was to be opened, a note came 3tatin' that Mj. Hemphill was sick an' couldn't come. The next besht thing I thought was to adjourn the'eoort, an' the clerk was willin', but me father suddenly took the bit in his teeth, and shwore he'd sit on the bench that day or niver. So we'd to fall in wid him, for now he was the power, and even the little counterjumping clerk couldri'i disobey him. I tell you I winfc into that coort all of a tremble, for says I, its all up wid the Houlahan's,, we'll be thejlaughing sltfock of the country, and even Jim Doolan '11 have the , besht of. it.' , " Quite, moidhered I walked into the courthouse, which was ,thin but a mane , shanty, and tuk my sate back near the door, not wishin' to, be. too close when the divilment would begin. There sat, right undher .the Binch, me mother, in a shawl wid pattherns on if; big enough for a carpet, and me sisther Bridget in a bonnet that bate the , biggest bucket," doubtless bouquet, "I ever saw thrown, at Kate Hayes in the ould,. times,, an' that,made you hot to luk at j ,an',me brothers, .dressed in store clothes, that didn't fit them, and made them luk, as if they'd fallen into , thim,' all of thim thryin to put on a gintale air, and looking mighty, big, and at the same time mighty onaisy, for all the,,bpwldpess they thried to.put on. Prisently a little door opens, an' out comes thc^Jerk, and*, walks jto his box,, an' thin me father mounts on. to,. the Binch, ,wid the. luk,, of a play-acihor, the clothes on him appearing as if he'd put thim on upside down, ,ahd hadn't time to ,m%ke thim fit. But the ould, man -put pn a ye/y ,bould' , luk, , and, I musht „say,, when ,he, - sat down he, seemed to fill. the place well, though he didn't kriovy what to do with his hands, an' it comethered.him a bij;, the sight 0f,, 50 >many faces. , • , , ,- , ■■ s ..V.The darjin, 1 sez, me mother ; he looks as if he was born, in, the sate.,, , t , „ ] - '"He/ makes an illigant, J.P,..' J says 4rs. Mullaney, an ould friend of ours. , .-. ! J " 'Bad cess to him,' sez Mrs. Doplan,,whp, wasin tears, ; an' a. red ,gown, , { how different, my, Jim would, look .there,, an' he, poor .imuix fo, be brought afor,e,'the ould.omadhawn.' , s i ,„-','•• •£i)!enpe4n thejcqiirt,' rqared.Mike Doriioyan, the brdherlyy^nd he;;pro6eeded.to t ,&ejejaro iit, open., ",,-,, J()1 : ; -- „,;,„ f•, . J " ' Call, jJjatnes ,DJ>ol£n,' says , ,the clerk, , Jim >yas' brougham lie, the, police. ; been , put on bail, an' >vas;dhresaed wid mighty carfc, an|, lopked qui(e "nates' an'.^acint, as .JOe, hadn't been; dhrunk.?,;, t t '; u^ , i , „ „ , , ' 0 , o \) Before ,Jhe pjerk cQuldjspake^one trne.^heWpftke.,, ■i,,',-"d ■>•»;. ■ '''C-,^, « 11 « I have,' sez Jitn^ howld^like, j* but youj ,jvotnjt.widme,-sWorae,luckv?n. m ■ -.• »,1 , & ni JWYon imfaslit'osayiyerJwor^hip.'i-said ■ t^e ; toleriishalrpiy^Vop'you'llbe^ommitl4di''- 1 n . • -,>! «^wal^Bfe^ Jinifc! it's a%ige I wb¥flup fi'^s.' 1

11 * Commit him' at onst, yer worshiflwsez^ the clerk to me f aiher. fig ' ** " • Not I,' sez jtoe oald man, sphakinSjttow and seriiible IHJIb- ' Ugß.'C l " 5 ' you'jfenotXin ygffiFßenßes. If you nave a, grudg&'agin me otMawidip when Fm outsider the oojolft, an'i I'llldo wKftt a oan to Batidfyy^nwid t meouldWft?kthotn ahtiok;, but iif nisje' ye s flfp»t ragjeofetheQuane, God, bless her, an' pa^the money aowri'f or makin 1 a goose of yourself. The law sez you're to pay five shillin's, or spend twenty-four hours in the look-up. I'd advise ye to pay, for Mike Gorman, -who shpint a day«there,,tells merit's full of fleas, the crathurs, and mighty hungry they must be; for they've hadn't a bite for a ijyeelt.' ' ' " There V'« < quite a hurrah! at this, for it tluk the boj j by surprise, and the' dacint spirit me' fatht. showed plazed thim mighty. •jHe's the dacint J.P.,' sez they, ' an' who'll ay a word agin him.' An' Jim Doolan^ was a bit tuk back, an' looked foolish. I • was as' glad as if I'd got a five pound note. " The next case on board was one of detaining ducks. One woman sworethat the duck's were hers, the other swore she'd owned them since they were ducklings. < 'Twas hard swearin', an' the little clerk kep' bobbin' up and down, whispering me father and directin' him: ' But the ould man at lasht shook him off. ■ " ' Bridget Maginnis,' sez he to one of the women, ' will you swear to thim ducks ?' " ' I will, yer lordship. So help me,' sez Bridget. ' ' ) "'Bring 'em in,' sez me father, an' in nwched two constables bearin' the ducks, and a deuce of a qua'ckin' they made, 1 as if' they didn't like the idea. "'Put 'em on the floore there,' sez my father, 'in the corner, an' let 'em get out of their moidher. Well, ndw, Bridget, call thim ducks to you.' "Bridget did call thim, 'dook, dook, dook, but devil a wan of thim ducks paid heed to her, but quacked like mad. " 'Now, Mrß. Chanter,' sez me father, ' call thim ducks as you do at home, an' let's see what they'll do.' " Mrs. Chanter at once began — saying m a wheedling tone • jucky,' 'jucky,' • jucky.' It was the wondher in the world what followed. The ould dhrake gave a Bhquiht an' a wink wid his eye, just 83 a duck does, and looked towards Mrs. Chanter, and then givin' ' a fresh kind of quack, he waddled across thfe floore, followed by hi 3 duoks, right to where Mrs. Chanter was, everyone keepin' very shtill. '" Thim's Mrs. Chanter's ducks,' Bez me father, • give thim over to' her, and as for you, < Bridget Maginnis, you ought to be laid out for perglary or berglary • and it's you ought to bless the day Isat on the Binch, bein' of a marcif ul turn of mind.' " You ought to have heard the ould court ring again. The boys shouted like mad, an* the clerk seemed to think he'd got hold of a Solomon, though I don't think it was the right' sort of evidence. " That case finished the work of the day, an when I got out of the coorfc I could have jumped over a haystack wid joy. An' belave me, it's the grate people' the Houlahan's were that day, an' its a mighty triumphal procession that wint home wid us, an' it's fine dancin' we had in the' barn. " There's a morril in this true story, boys. If a man's got common sinae, you can safely place him in a position, oven if he has few advantages ; if he hasn't, he'll niver be anything but a lamed ass. An' me father had a good stock of sound common sinse, which is, after all, the best possession a man can have in these practical colonies. He's since then sat on the Binch every week, 1 and the people say that the deepest, cutest, and most' just magistrate in the district is Mike Houlahan'b J.P."