Sketcher. THE ETIQUETTE OF WATERINGPLACES.

Waikato Times, Volume XIX, Issue 1642, 13 January 1883, Page 2 (Supplement)

Sketcher. THE ETIQUETTE OF WATERINGPLACES.

When doctors ' disagree, who shall decide ? There is probably no subject so much enquired about, and so little understood, as this one, nor shall we attempt to utter ex cathedra opinions. We can only, from a correspondence with the best experts everywhere, help those people who ask us to determine for themselves what well-bred people ought to do in the usual dilemmas of ordinary water place society. Equality is the first essential of good society, and where that does not exist in reality, it must do so in appearance. Exclusive society, whether the excuse for it be birth, wealth, fashion, or political eminence, may hold its own in Washington, New York, or Philadelphia ; but when exclusive society goes to a watering place, it loses all claim to exclusiveness, and must adopt equality, or else make itself utterly disagreeable. Yet we shall see this summer, at every watering-place in the land, certain people who assume to be "better" than somebody else, who say that Mrs. A. ii pushing if she speak to Mrs. B. at Saratoga, and that the vulgar Mrs. V., at Long Branch, has no right to use the privileges of the beach to the extent of making the acquaintance of the aristocratic Mrs. S. All this is absurd talk, and the best people are slow to hpar it, still less to use it. Still, as the ever-growing and ever-new society of our young public is being constantly reinforced by the people of right minds, yet who are ignorant of etiquette, who desire to do the delicate thing, the proper thing, yet do not know how exactly, we shall try to help them, being guided in our remarks by the questions addressed to us by our innumerable correspondents, whose confidence in Harper's Bazaar we deeply appreciate, promising them that we shall answer only from the highest stand-point, and from the lips of experts. Now, a young married woman from the extreme West writes to us that she finds Saratoga very dull, for " everybody seems to know everybody else, but that she knows nobody." She asks how she can enter that " charmed circle of prettily dressed ladies, who gossip so pleasantly over their fancywork." She here hits one of the lacks of our social watering-place life. In England, at Tunbridgc Wells, this was bridged over by the renowned Beau Nash, and at Brighton by Beau Brummel and others. There was a Master of Ceremonies, who introduced people, finding out everybody's social standing, which in England is possible, but here would be impossible. This man was held responsible for everyone whom he introduced ; he was a shield against the impertinent, the improper, and the vulgar. In all this, did he exist today, he would be of infinite service to our dear little Western lady, whom from her note we find to be refined, modest, and, no doubt, agreeable. She has, however, no redress, there being no master of ceremonies but her own tact. If she have agreeable manners, she will, no doubt, some day meet one of those angels of society, who are always ready to speak without an introduction, and who will, in time, draw her into the charmed circle. She must not, however, be quick to rush into intimacies at a watering-place. Her angel may be very agreeable, but she may be an ange perdu, and the newly introduced person may regret afterward her ambasgadrice. Nor, if the lady who has spoken to her be a perfect exemplar of all the virtues, must she rush into an intimacy. No, the great fault of many new persons, is that they are apt to go too far, to presume upon social kindness. An example may be permitted. A few years ago at a sea-side place, a lady took pity upon a young and forlorn married woman, to whom no one spoke, f-he talked to her on tne piazza, and brought her into the charmed circle of intimates. A few days after, this kind-hearted queen of society was astonished j to receive a request from her new friend, that she would-lend her her bathing dress, and also take her out in her carriage ! Of course so palpable a piece of ill-breeding as this had to be met by a decisive course of aotion. The leader of society wrote a kind note, saying, " Bathing dresses are not loaned, nor do ladies ask other people to take them out in their carriages," This offended the young and forlorn married woman to such a degree that she forgot all the previous kindness, and to this day, speaks of the pride and snobbery of her first friend. Then, again, a new comef at a wateringplace often offends by a display of wealth, by a too great monoply of diamonds, and by the persistent offers ef her carriage, her dinners, and her patronage for concerts, balls, and garden parties, She cannot understand why the quiet woman in the corner, in a shabby silk, has such an air of distinction ; why she is the arbiter of fashion ; why everybody comes up to her to be honored by an introduction, whilst she herself, in her regally magnificent robes, hears, the fell echo, " Shockingly vulgar," as she passes. t , She sees the lady in the shabby silk selected for her manners and conversational powers ; she learns that she is a power in the State, ( and the dame of diamonds determines to" know her. , ,"'',' But as if an adamantine wall descended and shut her out, the nouveau riclie never enters Mrs. O's. circle, and she retires, saying, "I wish some one would 'define the etiquette of a watering-place, for that Mrs. 0. took Much airs, and I wonder if she is 1 any better than I ' These are a few of the contretemps^ these are amid jfchle many reasons why certain people do not'enjoy that crowd wbichl our tia^jj|j|jßXja|aref makes' necessary to u: l '

Then, again, by cringing, flattery, and a readinepico serve society, in no matter what capacity^ there,is no doubt that many a most unworttiy.jjfrfpn gets a sort of position in a ■wfttermg-pl^ccnbtel, and canjbe almost "'outrageous social|tf rant. We have all seen sucK men' and BV&vt women. Many a^pretty w6ma&: has been ostracized because $ne was pretty.; many a lovely girl has been diffien away frpjn a watering-place because some illj-temperea society leader found that she was lrFthe way. There is no such Torqucmada as such a social campaigner; she knows neither justice nor mercy. To pass these grim sentinels .who stand at the gates waving a flaming sword is the every-day novitiate of the society-climber. Experience and observation in society are the only means by which one acquires the polish which sooiety demands. A person must watch, wait, and learn slowly. A young woman must look at the models who succeed ; while avoiding "the cheek" which makes Mrs. L. a social incubus, she must emulate that charming mixture of reserve and of cordiality which makes Mrs. M. a delight and a pattern. No one can obtain an entree into the best society, to state the proposition generally, who is found to be deficient 'in delicacy and in good-breeding, nor, if she does succeed by extraordinary good luck or accident, or by her audacity, in pushing her way into sets which she considers " good society," will she be tolerated there long. Her failure will be painful, her final ejectment silent but sure. But the circles of good society are growing wider and wider, nor do the sensible, the honest, or the good belong to any one set. We see the millionaire of yesterday, whose knees once held the lapstone, now a clever and a cultivated man, whose wife and daughters have the manners and the habits of good society ; we see the descendant of our proudest old family a vulgar and disreputable snob or worse. Therefore we must throw away all questions of birth. But the value of good manners remains. Indeed.it is our only "Book of the Peerage." Lord Bacon said that a stone must be a very precious one that could do without a setting, and that a man must be a very great one to dispense with social observances. The etiquette of an American wateringplace permits that ladies speak to each other without an introduction, but a gentleman can never speak to a lady unless he is properly introduced. Then he must be careful how he force himself upon the friendship of ladies, he must wait for them to bow first, although he must always tip his hat on the stairs as he passes any lady. He must leceive a special invitation before he presumes to join any party for lawn tennis, or fishing, or a picnic, or any of the rather exclusive entertainments. Even if invited to join one set of festivities, he must be slow to push himself into others. And so with a young married couple, who find themselves suddenly introduced to the set, which is the leading set of the house. They must stand a little on their dignity, and " make themselves scarce" occasionally, nor show too much pleasure in the honor which has been done them. It is perfectly proper for people to be on good terms at a watering-place, to talk on the piazza, and at the bath or water-drinking rooms, and not to know each other when they return to their own cities. Politeness thus may be used as a sort of lingua franca, which every one uses when necessary, but which one drops on returning to his own country. This may seem cold and heartless, but it is, after all, only one of the safeguards of society, not often used, but sometimes needed. This answers to the neutral ground of the flag of truce, and the conditions of an armistice, and if these rules of war were carried out fully, no watering-place would be stupid. Avoid those people at watering-places who make themselves conspicious by an attempt at singularity. If men or women openly rebel at fashion, and then rush to fashion's market-place to show themselves, the secret spring of such action must be vanity, and vanity alone. The people of sense and modesty follow fashion so far that they are neither conspicious for their excess, nor peculiar by their opposition to it. The fashion of to-day tends toward simplicity of manners and dress at a watering-place. Diamonds and brocades in the morning mark the hopelessly vulgar, and indeed very regal toilettes even for the evening are seldom now worn at wateringplaces by the best people. No young lady should go to a wateringplace, except to enter upon its gaieties, without a chaperon. Even if she goes *• with her father. or brother, she should hasten to put herself under the care of some married lady, who will matronize her on the piazza or at the casino, the balls, concerts, and on the lawn tennis ground. Were this rule attended to, it would avert much scandal, and remember, a watering-place is a very scandal-loving place. ' A person who is distinguished in his or her own city in birth, position, wealth, or even in acquirements, should, on going to a water-ing-place, drop all these titles, cast aside every feeling of superiority, enter the social ranks as a private, and try to influence the general hilarity, and the general good feeling. Such generous and beneficent souls never lose caste by such a proceeding. It is only the weak-headed who accuse such a woman of being " too general." She is the true general who does the utmost for the entertainment and the happiness of the whole household. " Confidence witheut pride, modesty without shyness, dignity without stiffness," may be quoted as a good formulary. We are all only atoms, more or less brilliant, in the social atmosphere. It should be our study not to be hard, angular, and disagreeable atoms. Cards are generally dispensed with at a watering-place, except at the conspicuous ones like Newport, Saratoga, and the like,* where they are necessaty ; the etiquette, therefore, attending them, need not be entered' into largely. A gentleman sends up his card to a lady by the servant, if he wishes to call upon her or speak to her. Sometimes ladies send their cards to each other's rooms, but this, is unnecessary. If a lady goes to another house to see a friend, or to call on a new acquaintance, she must send up her card, and it should 'be returned the next day. In! case any one sends, or brings a letter' of introduction to a lady at a watering-place hotel, she must send her husband's card with a note, saying when she will receive the guest. One of our correspondents asks us how, she can get rid of the watering-place bOre. Alas 1 there has been no .antidote discovered as' yet for the poison of the scarlet fever, nor have we ever heard of any preventive that will keep off the bore. He is the worst disease which infects the modern watering-place. ] The hours of a watering-place are determined by the amusements or the cure practiced at each. At Saratoga the hours! are very early, as people rise to drink the waters. At Newport they are from eleven o'clock until three for morning , visits, the afternoon being reserved for driving. At Bichfield'and Sharon they are indiscriminate, owingiio the baths; generally,' however, people consider the afternoon the time; to 'call. At ''seaside places, like Jjong B.r»nph 'and Mount. Pesert, no card etiquette can' be prescribed ;<<peQpl&"< call/ dine, drive, bathe, or bq&f;, asofihe >fit 'takes them. > ' ' > 1 • - ,>><• *

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