humour. CERTAINLY HE WOULD.

Waikato Times, Volume XIX, Issue 1639, 6 January 1883, Page 6

humour. CERTAINLY HE WOULD.

The other evening as a muscular citizen was passing a house on Montcalm street, a lady, who stood at the gate, called out to him : — " Sir ! I appeal to you for protection 1" "What's the trouble?" he asked, as he stopped short. " There's a man in the house, and he wouldn't go out of doors when I ordered him to." "He wouldn't, eh ? We'll see about- that." Thereupon the man gave the woman his coat to hold, and sailed into the house, spitting on his hands. He found a man down at the supper-table, and he took him by the neck, and remarked :—: — " Nice style of brute you are, eh ? Come out o' this, or I'll break every bone in your body !" The man fought back, and it was not until a chair had been broken, and the table upset, that he was hauled out of doors by the legs, and given a fling through the gate. Then, as the muscular citizen placed his boot where it would do the most hurt, he remarked : — " Now, then, you brass-faced old tramp, you move on, or I'll finish you." " Tramp 1 tramp 1" shouted the victim, as he got up. " I'm no tramp ! I own this property and live in this house I" " You do ?" "Yes, and that's my wife holding your coat !" " Thunder I" whispered the victim, as he gazed from one to the other, and realised that the wife had got square through him ; and then he made a grab for his coat and slid into the darkness with his shirt-bosom torn open, a finger badly bitten, and two front teeth ready to drop out. — Detroit Free Press. BOXING A SEWING MACHINE. " Say, my dear," observed Mr. Spoopendyke, straightening up, and scratching his ear, " what did the man say about boxing up this sewing machine ?" " Why, he said to take the cover off, and "I've got the cover off!" snorted Mr, Spoopendyke. " Did he say to take it off twice? Ain't once binding on this machine?" 11 Certainly," replied Mrs. Spoopendyke; " they take the top «ff and—" " Did that man say anything about boxing up this machine ? that's what I asked you, , vociferated Mr. Spoopendyke. "I, know all about the cover and top. You can't teach me anything about the top and cover. I want some information about this dod gasted birdcage looking arrangement ! Did he , say whether I was to take that off of anything?" " The machine goes in that," fluttered Mrs. Spoopendyke. "And then this slat cover nails over it.' f " Now that's the way I like to hear a woman talk," remarked Mr. Spoopendyke, betaking himself oheerily to his work. "If you'd always answer straight up, we'd have been moved a week ago." > "[But you must screw the top pn the bottom of the top, and tie .the cover underneath," said Mrs. Spoopendyke, who, having been complimented on a detail, determined, wdman like, to know all about it. , ',',„'' ''i " What stable have you been boarding in now?" ' roared Mr. Spoopendyke, dropping thethammer on his foot. " What asylum for indigent jackasses did you get that scriptural question from ? How'm I goingto^ Rorew, the measly top on the dod gasted "top of^itftelf? Where's the screw that does that ? Just jerk your thumb in the "direction of the interconvertible "screw, that will screw a thing on in ■that way I" ' * •- * " Why.'ybu ' just turn' the 'top 6*ef qn'< the bottom; the mail said, and s6reVit to' the topi that-"' , ,'>'•', '•vi<^r<"Oome ovor I" -yelled Mr^Spjtfp^frdyke, tugging at' ! the K woTfo?»od»^^hiqh^h^^Mkd 1 4eg|b«Jtedjjknky tKe ' ihpnjb aoraijf.fr f ,<3dme; byer th> way.the man mid^or' jotf to I*^lfl^lr,

best of the manufacturer tyhen^jiOTpendjkfe'B within reach 1 Gome over arid%crew on the bottom, like the man said I Cbininfcover?" and Mr. Spoopenflyke'a handß slippeaAlanding him on the back of his neck ii\' the orate his wife had purchased to box th'||m«\chine in., ' */Ss[ * " Never mind, dear," said Mrs. ' Spoppe^dyke, trembling with apprehension. for jhe Bafety of the machine. " Let" ifche'nian come and do it himself, if he knows so much about it— l" 11 Dod gast the man 1" howled Mr. Spoopendyke, springing feet, and moving on the works once more. "Think he can break this measly old cast-irqn imitation of an inebriate home, any quioker'n I 'can?" and he grasped the top.- of , the insjarument, and hauled away till his eyes hung' outi, * " Come over to the dulcet bottom and be screwed on. Oh, come where the glory of .being screwed, to t£e bottom of the top- awaits thee, Come over and see this miracle, of plastering the top and bottom of the same thing, together, as performed by Spoopendyke, the apostle of impossibilities t Come to the dod— l" But here the thumbscrew broke, driving Mr. Spoopendyke into the closet like a spike, where he sat holding the mutilated top in his arms, and looking dazed. "Are you hurt, dear?" asked Mrs. Spoopi endyke, rushing toward him. "Hurtl" shrieked Mr. Spoopendyke. "Am I hurt 1 Dye see that thumb joint hanging to that measly screw ? Wow-w-w?" squealed Mr. Spoopendyke, dancing to his feet, and dashing the machinery mt« the crate. " Get in there, quick 1" and he tumbled the rest of the business in after, where it stuck cornerwise in spite of his effort to drive it in with his leg. "Is this what the man said?" and he jumped at it with both feet. "Bottom appear to be coming any nearer to the top from where you stand ?" and he whirled the crate around, and then kicked at the corner of the machine. " Does that screw strike you as beginning to take hold ? Got a notion that this machinery can be moved from here to Hackensack, without scratching any paint off the farm-houses along the road ?" and concentrating himself in one, last Effort, Mr. Spoopendyke turned the crate over on the machine, and breathed hard. "You have done that splendidly," , cooed Mrs. Spoopendyke, anxious to restore peace between Mr. Spoopendyke and the wreck of her sewing machine. "It isn't exactly theway the man said, but I know — " •• Oh; you know all about it 1" howled Mr, Spoopendyke. "If I could build a front door and a verandah to your information, I'd stand you in a tub of salt water, and start a Summer resort ! Oh, you're posted on what to do I You understand mechanics I Some day I'll fit you out with a price list and a strike, and start a rolling-mill 1" and Mr. Spoopendyke went for his hat and tore out of the room. ** " It's pretty well scratched, but otherwise it's all right," commented Mrs. Spoopendyke, examining the wreck. " And I'll get the man to box it. I think I'll put this bottle of ink in his light coat pocket. He'll want it as soon as he gets out there, and he'll find it as soon as he sits down I" — Brooklyn Eagle.