Humour. THE TRUTH ABOUT IT.

Waikato Times, Volume XIX, Issue 1604, 14 October 1882, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humour. THE TRUTH ABOUT IT.

A short time ago we called upon a certain party and asked him why he did not advertise. " Oh," he answered, " what's the use? Nobody will ever see it." " You're mistaken," said we. " Every page of our paper is read." '• Nonsense," he replied. " Even if people did read my advertisements, people would never think of it again. I don't want tb^ advertise." " But—" "No buts at all. I don't want to advertise, and don't bother me any more. I'm busy." And he walked back into his store and strangled a poor little fly that was helping itself from a barrel of sugar. Time passed, and we never again intimated advertisement to him, though meeting him daily. Yesterday the gentleman called at our | sanctum, looking a little uncertain as to how he would be received. We cherished no hard feelings, and motioned him to a chair. | " I suppose you heard of that little affair of mine below ?" " Oh, yes," said we. " That little escapade |on King Street the night before last. Yes, we've got the particulars — " n "Hush! not so loud, please," said he. "Of course, you're going to say nothing in the papers about it?" "And why not? It is a matter of interest to your friends and the people generally." " Heavens 1 Why, it would ruin me," " Oh, no, guess not. Nobody will ever see it." " Yes, they will ; and it will ruin me as sure as lam sitting here. I'll be the laugh-ing-stock of the town. They will see it." We rose and touched him impressively on the shoulder. "Well, we admit, the people will see it; but then, you know, they will never think of it again." His words came back to him like a flash, and he trembled so violently his eyeballs fairly jingled, and he was such an object for commiseration that we promised to keep mum. This little moral is drawn from the above, which is applicable the world over. Ask a man to advertise, and| he will immediately say, in the majority of cases, u Nobody will see it;" but advertise gratis some little indiscretion he may commit, and ho imme- j diately grows indignant over the certainty! that the whole world will know it. M

JOSH BILLINGS TO THE GIRLS Dear girls, are you in search for a husbai^H That is a pumper,' and you are not remu^H to say yes out loud, but are expekted tev^^^H yure eyes down on to the earth as t^^^| was lookin for a pin, and reply to thei^^^H gatory with a kind of draulin sigh. Not tew press so tender a theme unti^^^H kums a thorn in the flesh, we will presul^^H avoid argument, that you are on the loo!^^| for something in the male line. Let me^^J you some small chunks of advice how to j^^| your future husband. j 1. The man who is jellus of every little J^A tenshun which you get from some other fell^H you will find after you are married to him- bM loves himself more than he does you, anl what yu mistook for solissitude yu will dis-* cover has changed to indifference. Jellußy/ isn't a heart diseze ; it is a liver komplaint. ■ 2. A'mustash is not indispensible ; it is: only a little more hair, and is much like nioss< and other excressences— ;often does the best on sile that won't rise anything else. Don'fc forget that those things which you admire in* a fellow before marriage you will probably condemn in a husband after, and a mustask will get to be very weak diet after a long; time. 3 If husbands could be took on trial as Irish cooks are, two thirds ov them would probably be returned; but there don't seem to be eny law for this. Therefore, girls, yn will see that after yu get a man yu have got tew keep him, even if yu buz on him. Consequently, if yu have eny kold vittles-in the hous, try him on them once in a while during: the courting season, and if he swollers them well, and says he will take some more, he is a man who, when blue Monday comes, will wash well. 4. Don't marry a pheller who is always tellin how iz mother doz things. It is too hard to wean a young one. 5. If a man can beat you playing on a pianner and kant hear a fish horn playing on the street without turning a summerset on account of the musick that iz in him, I say toleave him ; he might answer to tend baby, and if you set him to hoeing out the 'garden,, you will find you have' got to do it yourself.. A man whoze whole heft lies in musick (ami not too hefty at that) ain't no better than a. seed-litz powder, but if he luvs to listen whileyu sing some gentle ballad, you will find himi mellow and not soft. But don't marry ennybody for one virtue enny quicker than you would flop a man for jist one fault. 6. It is one of the tuffest things for a female to be an old maid successfully. A great many has tried, and made a bad job of it-, and had a hard time. Everybody seems to look upon ! old maids jist as they do on dried herbs in the garrets-handy for sickness — and therefore, girls, it ain't a mistake that yu shud be willing to swop yourselves op'h with some truehearted phellow, for a husband. The swop is a good one ; but don't swop for anyman who is respectable jist because his father iz. You had better to be an old maid for 4,000 years, and then join the Shakers than to buy repentance, at this,price. No woman ever made this trial who didn't get either a phool, mean cuss, or a clown for a husband..

HROM LEFIGABO. Scene' Pabis. —Two metaphysicians . discussing the end of the world, as il the phenomenon depended in some way upon their will u 11 Ah! will, be it so" said one, " the worlds finished what comes after ?" ' "After—after?" replied the other, "OhJ I shall retire into the country, happy, to hear no more about it." /4 ' » ,

A big hulking fellow is brought up. .before the magistrate for drunkenness and disturb- , ing the peace. ',' ,V Your business ?" demands the magistrate. "My,business?" tnen,.after consideration, \, "My wife is a washerwoman I" ,-

A countryman after listening to a Parisian: \ -I* You'talk of the curiosities of Paris'!, Why, ,in our, 1 little village'we Had a lustu natwa, also, attached ;like\the;, Siamese twins.' . !.