Humor. GOING TO BED MAD.

Waikato Times, Volume XIX, Issue 1571, 29 July 1882, Page 6

Humor. GOING TO BED MAD.

" Say, my dear !" roared Mr Spoopen-' dyke, as he dashed- into the room and fell chair,' "did you ino^y that that* section .of a stove pipe,' "wtth^bandy logs i and<» Presbyterian steeple riqse, had pub/ { luheda book abbu¥you| and me?', • :, ( h''<" &Q [ !'; v exfyaiwed ' M™ Spoopendyke. - 1 tr You, don'tftell - me I . 'ib^ anything, j /crossing^ Jhe j

Bonaparte crossing the Alps 1" snorted Mr Spoopendyke. " And it ain't anything like Julius Hannibal crossing the Hellespont ! Nor it ain't anything about Queen Victoria ! It's about you and me, I tell you ! It's all about our prirato life, and the idiot always represents me as going to bed mad !'"- ' v '„ " "I don't think that there's anything in our private life to be ashamed of," said Mrs Spoopendyke, ♦♦ and as to your going to bed mad you generally dp don't, you, dear?" . , , „ " What if I do ?" howled Mr Spoopendyke. «' S'pose I want to go to bed on every news stand in ,tbe country done up in cheap binding and ' bad type ? Think I want posters out on the fences, Spoopendyke going to bed mad, in paper 25 cents; Spoopendyke going tft,bed mad, bound in cloth witK'beyele^eages ; t phifdren cry for it and doctors recommend }t, price §1 ?' Got an idea that I want to go to bed mad in twenty-four editions 1 , with a row with' a news companjr,'printers, bills unpaid and a paper manufacturer ' hoWI* ing for his money ?, Wah-b-h-h ?" yelled Mr Spoopendyiie. " Tt's a book, I tell you ! Cut on the edges, pasted' 1 du f thfc back, covered on the 'outside and reading matter all over ! Know what a book is ! Tho only difference between a book and your mouth is' that the book* shuts 'rip once in a while! -Who gave him the facts?" and Mr Spoopendyke leaned back in his chair 'and frothed at < the mouth. • ' " What does the man say in: his book?!' asked Mrs Spoopendyke. * ■ "He don't say anything ! He don't get a chance I You do all the talking like you do at home ! 0, you're a great woman now ! It's Mrs Spoopeudyke, this, and Mrs Spoopendyke that, aud Mrß Spoopendyke around the corner, and- Mrs Spoopendyke over the fence. Shakspeare'r nowhere 1 You are the leading literary, 'character of the day! Who gave him tho facts ? Who purveyed the information ? Who told him* you -were 'an idiot that only needed a wash bill and a brother-in-law to be a Guiteau .trial ?" " I don't quite know what you mean," faltered Mrs Spoopendyke. " I know about the Guiteau trial and I hope Mr Porter will wiu it. But I don't know j> anything about being literary, and as if or Shaktpeare, I think he is almost os abstruse as the Board of Education." ' ' What I want to know is, who gave him the facts!" roared Mr Spoopendyke. " Who gave this ten cent author with a five acre reputation the facts? How'd he ever find out that you didn't know any more about keeping house than, a frog does about keeping a bank account P" " I'm sure I don't know dear," said Mrs Spoopendyke soothingly. "Maybe he is only a newspaper man who publishes facts first and then trusts to luck to find them out afterward. Whit does he say about me ?" '• Say about you !" squealed Mr. Spoopendyke. "He don't say enough. He only leaves the impression that a diamond drill, a steam engine, fair weather aud low wages might make an impression on your skull ! Do you appreciate the enormity of the situation ? Do you reach out ami grasp, comprehensively, the unalterable fact that your market value is twenty-fiye cents in paper and $1 in cloth 1 Can yon absorb the idea that in illustrating your red, white aud blue virtues he has dragged me into his book, so as to give character to it ?" " Does he mention you, too ?" exclaimed Mrs. Spoopcntlyke, with an air of indignation. Mr. Spoopendyke rose to his feet. Slowly he divested himself of his clothing and slammed the various articles on the floor, keeping his eye fixed on his trembling wife. Mrs. Spoopendyke," said he, as he pranced into bed, " be kind enough to regard me as the cheap edition. The honor of clofch, with beveled edges, gold letters on cover and the name spelled wrong belongs to you. With that and your literary attainments, combined with your disposition to reflect discredit on an insane jackass, your only need your corners turned down, your back torn off to boa circulating library ?" With which profound illustration of his contempt for the situation, Mr. Spoopendyke drew his pillow over his head and kicked vigorously. " I don't care," thought Mi's. Spoopoudyke, as she ran a gathering string through the neck of the baby's now wrapper ; "If the man says that Mr. Spoopondyke goes to bed mad every night he tells the truthj and if lie docs that I don't care What he says about me. .What I wonder most about is how long a speech the foremen of the jury will make about Mr. Ouiteau." And Mrs, Spoopendyke crawled in 1 on her side of the couch and then flopped oufc again to .sec if the man under tho bed had not by some possibility got into the match safe and pulled the cover over himself.— [HrooKi/n Eagle. , • THE MME KILN CLUB OK CRANKS. I Cox-onkl Ebexbzeu Can'lsteb offered the following single-barreled resolution :' ' Itc&oh'ul—Dat dis club has no sympathy with cranks, an' dat it am de sense ob dis club dat more hangism would result in less craukism. Tho resolution was passed by an unanimous vote, and Brother Gardner added : " I feel dat way myself. De man who can pay out an' receive money, trabble around the country, do b'zness and keep out ob dc way ob the butcher carts mnsn't shoot my ole woman an' den plead hereditary, heretofore, hereafter, or «i'ny odder sort of insanity. De crank who can't resist de temptation to steal must keep out o' my tater patch, or take 'de chances o' my puttin' a han'full o' shot into his corpus. De crank who am' not morally responsible for his utterances will feel dc weight o' my fist de'fust time he calls me a liar. , De crauk Who am not financially responsible wants to keep right away, from me all de week frew. De crank who am impelled by Deity, debbil, 'or any odder power to do me bodily in.iury, had bettor* be sartin ob his aim, fur if he misses me I'll light down on .him like a ton ob de leddest bricks he ebber i saw. I doan go a cent on 1 insanity outside of, a lunatic asylum/, ' r If, a ! man am lony put him among de lunatics. De fact dat he am not put' dar am". reason fur holding him legally responsible fur ebeiry nct."^-DetroU Free Press.

The Select ConVniittee of the Hoiise of Commons, appointed to consider 1 the various Electric " Lighting < bills now before Parliament; has held frequent' sittings during the. month? \ Among 'the witnessed recently examined'was Mr E. H.Johnson, the English' representafiii'e of Mr Edison, who stated that ,it ' w&tld take a great .many 'years to ''tna)<e' ! 'the electric-light system eo-ejtfiensjve., with the gas system, but he betfe.yecrthat,* as the output 1 of electricity/b'ecatne larger the price of it woulfl'be'reilaMd"'' "Vvith 56 pounds of ''coal, which he k Jfnld&stood was required ' fef a iiiJOdUSndle light, if turned' imU'ga^ iTe/cHWdSro- , -dnce a3^(^;candle ) lighijyj'it t^ i uWd^^ -produce electnc'ity. 1 ' liifO^Hl^rwprdJ^Sft I pounds of, cpal. tised td prpaii|^ , |would produ'c^tXr^tim^th^^aMoWii;' of , light which, woulcTD*e pi'oSiicedfifj turned^ i * Offices, / Kict^tiiisltee^ii^iul^n"/ <Yfail&^