Humor.

Waikato Times, Volume XIX, Issue 1565, 15 July 1882, Page 6

Humor.

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ate of habits is freshly illustrated in - an anecdote of an imtemperate English attorney, who having by misrepresentation borrowed a guinea from a brother member of the profession, met the latter coming out of court, surrounded by wit* nesses, highly, elated, with a^yerdict he had just gained, went. up t<> him and said : "I was in court, sir, when" your cause was tried, and sincerely do I congratulate you on your, .success. I will not ask you to lend mea^vereign-j^but can you accommodate tne with one?" To his astonishment the victorious attorney took out of his pocket a purse crammed full of sovereigns and gave him one, on condition that^he should never bet again, a promise that was of course readily made. But no sooner had the drunken attorney got the sovereign in ' his hand and looked at it, than he suddenly forgot his* promise and said, tl l'U tost you for anothei > one !" - < '

A story is current in Paris^illustrative of the readines* and tact 01., Alexander Pumas. Two lPlay\y rights,, MM. De Coucy and Theaulon had been, requested to write a play called " Key}" which they did,, but being unsatisfactory^ it was not accepted. The same proposition was made to Dumas, who produced a piece that was successful, aim in compensation the manager of the "Varie'tds" agreed that if the first twenty-five performances gave to the treasury 60,0(XJ francs, Dumas should be paid 1000. "I accepted the proposition," said Dumas, "and at the twenty-fifth performance I entered his office, and asked, " Have you rewired 60,000 francs from the piece?" He answered: "By Jove, you are an unlucky fellow, my dear author ! " I have just added the total receipts. We hare 39,997 francs, so we lack three francs of the amount which would entitle you to your compensation." I said nothing^ I quitted him, went to the' ticket-office, and bought a parquet stall, which cost five francs. Then I returned to his office with my ticket in my hand, and said : " You are an unlucky fellow, my dear manager ; you have more than 60,000 francs in your treasury, for I have just purchased a five-franc ticket. He was a fellow of intelligence, so he opened his till and gave me 1000 francs."

A Yankee having told an Englishman that he shot, upon one particular occasion, 999 snipe, his interlocutor asked him why he didn't make it a thousand at once. "No," said he, "not likely I'm going to tell a lie for one snipe." Where* upon the Engliahmau, determined not to be outdone, began to tell a long otory t of a man having swum from Liverpool to Boston. "Did you see him?" asked the Yankee suddenly; "did you see him yourself?" Why, yes, of course I did; I was coming across, and our vessel passed him a mile out of Boston harbour." " Well, I'm glad ye s*w him, stranger, 'cos yer a witness that I did it. That was me!"

THEY DIDN'T LYNCH HIM. In the pioneer days of Michigan ft horse-thief or murderer stood as good a chance of being run up to a limb as- one of those characters does now in the far West. One night, thirty years ajto, a stranger, who had not only stolen a horse, but shot one of bis pursuers, was overhauled near Do Witt, Clinton Co., and t.ikcn to gaol. In half an hour a mob was drummed up and proceeded to the gaol to remove the prisoner and hang him. One of the foremgj& was a lawyer named Green, dead lonjjpsince. In fact he led the mob and acted as spokesman. When the crowd reached the "cooler," Greon stopppd forward alone to demand the p 1 i«pnor of the jailer, and after a conference, Lifting five minutes, he returned to the mob and said : " Gentlemen, I at first believed the prisoner to be guilty, but now I have my doubts about it. In fact, I firmly believe in his innocence." " How do you make that out ?'' yelled a dozen men, " Why» gentlemen, I at first supposed he was some poor coon without a dollar iv his pocket, but I have learned that ho has over §200 in cash, and it is my further duty to inform you that he has retained me as counsel. Gentlemen, stand back ! The first red-handed villain who raises a hand against my innocent client, will pass the next ten years in State prison !" A ORXTLBMAX was staying in a houße near Kingston, in the island of Jamaica. One morning abotit twelve o'clock (the hottest part of the day), he was lying on a sofa, smoking a cigar and reading a book, As no one ever moves at that time, except those who nre obliged, ho was much surprised nt hearing a violent dispute going on in the road which ra». by the house. On looking out of tho window, he saw a negro talking to a mule. The conversation, which was all on one side, ran nr follow?: "You not go on, sar? Well, par, I bet you v bit I make you jro — eh, sab, whnt you Fay, dat a bet? Well : done, sah." The animal appeared to accept the wager, an he laid back his ears to their fullest extent, threw out his forelegs, and evinced no intention «-f moving;. The negro then ome behir.tl the mule, and, grasping his tail, proceeded to twist it round with all his force. The animal at oncp <nve in, and started oft" at a brisk trot. The negro was preparing to follow, when the gentleman hailed him, and H.aid : "So you have won your bet ; how will you get paid f" " Oh, raassa," he answered, with a erin, "my missey gib ' me dis (producing n bit from his pocket, vrhioh is a colonial coin, worth about four-pence) to buy him a feed of com when we get to Kingston; I gib him nothing now. and just spend the bit on a lilly drop or sometink good for tomack." Thkkk is a good deal of human nature in a canary bird. He always begins to chatter as soon as the piauo commences to play.

A Wkstkun editor declares that he has taken a young wolf on subscription. — Erin Herald, We hope he has no difficulty in keeping him from the door. — Daitbni if iVr ids. A nkw Hue for stationers ! Customer : " Waiter, I can't get on with this lobster ; it's as hard as flint."' Waiter: "Beg pardon, sir ; a slight mistake. That's the papier-mache -lobster out of the showcase. Shall I change it ?" It is stated that, owing to the deficient harvest, there will not be sufficient wheat in South Australia to keep the mills employed till the end of the 33 r ear. An old established Port Adelaide firm has given notice that they will, probably, suspend grinding two months hence. O.vb of the lady teachers, in a public school a few days siire, was laboring with an urchin on the .science of mutple division. This is what came of it:— •' Norn', Johnny, if you had an orange which you, wished to divide witk your little sister, how much would you give h ei i ?•»__« A suck." , A" vjsry curious f c v tk of nature t is reported from Camelford, Cornwall, in the shape', of a calf witlv n perfect head of an eleplinnt, iuchftliiig^a.trunk six inches in length. It is explained that theheifer which gave birtti tjg^tljgi ;J»K .was much.alarmed ,at"f th£. -sighWof an elephant b^lpnginV. to" al|sWilKng circus. " The:: ' carcase; Vtofyj '3M l . calf .has* been'C fommled $; - Cdllege;, v !of 'Mtfnnafvff SilErgebns *\ f or

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