Sketdbey. "EQUL TO THE OCCASION.

Waikato Times, Volume XVIII, Issue 1556, 24 June 1882, Page 2 (Supplement)

Sketdbey. "EQUL TO THE OCCASION.

To be equal to the occasion, is undoubtedly a natural gift, and there is apparently no royal road to its attainment. The possessors, . however, of such an inestimable blessing are somewhat few and far between. Without a doubt, many of us can refer back, not perhaps without feelings of regret, to more than one occasion on which we might have made a very appropriate remark or observation — only, we didn't think of it at the time. When we did think of it, it was too late ; we had allowed the golden opportunity to slip by ; in fact, we were not equal to the occasion. To be equal to the occasion, admits of no particular length of time for thinking, or beating about the bush for an answer ; the reply, to have effect, must be almost instananeous. Some years ago, the captain of an English vessel sailed from a Spanish port when the seas were infested by a lawless crew with a number of passengers aboard, and among them was a timid Frenchman, who evinced the greatest fear least the vessel should be taken by one of the Sallee rovers, and they should all be made slaves to the Moors. 'Don't you be at all alarmed, my good sir,' cried the captain ; ' for before I'd allow my ship to fall into the hands of those confounded piratical rascals, I'd blow her into the air.' Unfortunately for us, the account closes here ; otherwise, it would be highly interesting to learn, whether the nervous foreigner altogether approved of this ingenious plan of escaping from the clutches of these marauding gentry. It was an instance, however, on the part of the captain, although rather startling in its character, of being equal to the occasion. In the Antiquary, the learned Mr. Oldbuck asks his gallant nephew whether the men of hia regiment would not feel renewed heart and courage if, at the close of a toiling day, they found they were bivouacing near the tomb of some famous hero. The answer of the young soldier was not only amusing, but exhibited an amount of forethought not often met with. 'My conviction is', said he, ' that they would feel not only more encouraged, but much better pleased, if they found themselves near a poultry-yard.' There was once a soldior in the army of the Duke of Marlborough who, taking the name of that distinguished General, was severely reprimanded for it. 'How am Ito blame, General ?' said the soldier. 'I had the choice of names, and I selected the one I now bear. If I had known one more illustrious than yours, I should have taken it.' What, really, could the gallant General be expected to say in return for so flattering an admission ?—? — Why, merely this, that the man was equal to the occasion. Indeed, the army affords numerous instances of promptitude in words as well as actions, military command and discipline occasionally requiring it. It may be sufficient, however, for our present purpose, and by way of introducing those only of a somewhat humorous character. A young ensign residing in lodgings, the rooms of which were very small, was visited by a fashionable Mend, who had no sooner entered the apartment, than he exclaimed : "Why, Harry, old_ boy, how long have you lived in this diminutive nut-f>hell ?' ' Well my dear fellow,' replied the other archly, ' I am sorry to say, not quite long enough to become a kernel.' To use a military phrase, the above might be termed the ' light artillery of conversation. Equally as good was the reply of a private of the Galloway Eifles, who was standing sentry, when an officer, noticing that he had a bruised face and an unmistakable black-eye, accosted him, and charged him at once with having been fighting. ' Please, sir,' replied the soldier I believe it was principally for that, that you specially engaged me.' Dry humour such as this is seldom met with ; and we are disposed to conclude that the officer, if not a rigid martinet, would decide not to pursue the inquiry further, but would treasure up the smart reply as a joke for the camp in general, and his own private friends in particular. To us, it may recall those famous linos by Herbert : All things are big with jest ; nothing thats' plain But may bo witty, if tliou hast the vein. It may not, perhaps, be generally known that our heavy troops at the battle of Waterloo had no defensive armour ; but soon after, a Committee of the House of Commons sat to consider the best sort of costume necessary for heavy dragoons and such-like, when a stalwart lifeguardsman who was under examination, on being asked what armour he should like to adopt on another similar occasion, replied : ' Well, gentleman, if you ask my candid opinion, you can have it at once. I think I should certainly prefer, if called upon to do duty again in a like manner, to put in an appearance in my shirt-sleeves I' This quite upset the gravity of the assembled conclave ; and the subject remained in abeyance for some time after. To the army, the Church, and the Law, we are principally indebted for various whimsical examples. We have read of a celebrated man, a very popular preacher, who, a few years ago was asked to lush the prevailing folly, the ' invisible ' bonnet. He did so, as follows : ' I have been requested to rebuke the bonnets of the present day.' At this startling announcement, one might have heard a pin drop. Wandering thoughts were immediately arrested ; and, scanning the ladies of the congreation, he added : ' But really, I see none 1 ' — a more bitter rebuke than any other words could possibly have conveyed. ' Tom Brown ' tells us, a divine ought to adapt his sermon as an astronomer does his almanac, to the meridian of the place and people where he lives. So thought, evidently, a French priest, who had usually a verysmall modicum of hearers. One day while preaching at the church in his village, the doors being open, a gander and several geese came stalking and cackling up the middle aisle. The preacher, availing himself of the circumstance, observed that he could no longer find fault with the people of his district for nonattendance; because, though they did not think proper to come themselves, they were thoughful enough to send their representatives. It was a saying of Lord Brougham's, that a lawyer was a learned gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies, and keeps it himself. The following may be considered a specimen of a lawyer being equal to the occasion. A gentleman, while bathing in the sea, saw his lawyer rise up at hid side, after a long dive. After an exchange of salutations had briefly passed — * By the way said he,' • how about Gunter ? Have you taken out a warrant against him ?' ' He' 'is in'<Juod,' replied the lawyer, and dived again, 1 showing his heels as a parting view io -his olient. Nor did the 'latter hear 'more of the interview with his lawyer until he got his account/ which, amongst other matters, contained the entry : 'To consultation- at sea, anent the incarceration of Gunter, ' six and eightpeflce!' . i • \ On the bench, the notorious Judge Jeffreys' talked fluently and'^th spirit ; but his weakness was that he could not reprehend^thout 1 scolding. His voice and visage,' too', 'made him a terror to real Menders, and formidable indeed to^all. Pointing' yith, his carie^'tb l^ man 'who was about' being tried, he" said, somewhat excitedly : ' ThSrVis a 1 great *f bgu.e* at the end of my cane I ', Th,e man towhoin : •he r pointed,* s looked'Btfrhim^ aSad , co&ly'askfcd'-: []' KVv wKieh r end/'my"ldrd?'^'-His "/loMsKipi 'seemed petrified.' • The { p"ri&clhef'was e^ual^to'

Bishop Home used to say : 'It is expedient to have an acquiantance with those who have looked into the world ; who know men, understand business, and can give you good intelligence and good advice when they^are wanted.' A couple of lawyers engaged in a case were overhead discussing the issue. 1 At all events we have justice on our side,' said the younger and more enthusiastic lawyer — * in this, I think, is something irresistible, and needs nothing to help it out.' To which the senior counsel replied : ' Yes, yes ; that's all very well in its way, and perfectly true ; but what we really want is the ChiefJustice on our side.' Now and then will occur a play upon words or names, and in this as in everything else capable of exciting hearty laughter, there must be absurdity. Mr. Justice Hayes, as is well known, was a wit. On the trial of a cause of ' Woodcock v. Bird,' before Lord Chief-Justice Jervis at Warwick, the ChiefJustice having remarked that it was a jjity that two ' Birds ' should not live in harmony, Hayes replied : • Yes, it is, my lord ; but my client complains of the length of the plaintiff's bill !' There is no action in the behaviour of one individual towards another, of which human nature is more impatient than of contempt, it being a thing made up of these two ingredients — an undervaluing of a man upon a belief of his utter uselessnes and inability ; and a spiteful endeavour to engage the rest of the world in the same belief and slight esteem of him. It is related of a negro minstrel that, being examined as a Avilness, he was severely interrogated by the attorney, who wished to break down his evidence. • You are in the negro-minstrel business, I believe T inquired 'the lawyer. • Yes, sir.' — ' Is it not a rather low calling?' demanded the lawyer. ' I don't know but what it is, sir, 1 replied the minstrel ; ' but it is so much better than my fabher's, that lam rather proud of it.' ' What was your father's calling ?' 'He was a lawyer, sir.' The learned man asked no more questions. It was Milton who said : ' Prudence is that virtue by which we discern what is proper to be done under the various circfitastances of time and place.' Of a certainty, there are those who do not lose their presence of mind or appear in the least way disconcerted or even intimidated, by obstacles that occasionally crop up in the daily course of life, but remain perfectly cool and passive under the worst of mishaps. In an opera, Beard, a celebrated singer, had to look towards the side and say : ' I see him approach this way ;' but unfortunately, the person expected was not forth coming. Beard, in order to give his Mend time to go around, came forward, and pulling out his watch, said : ' No ; I am mistaken ; it is another person ; in fact, it wants one minute to the appointed time. I know he will be here ; for he is ever punctual.' Not a creature detected the liberal finesse save the prompter. Sometimes we are surprised not only to hear, but to learn something from a quarter where we should have least expected it. By the statue 6th George 11. c. 37, it was,made felony, without benefit of clergy, to destroy an ash-tree. Dr Ash, a great wit and intimate friend of Swift, was once wet through with the rain, and upon going into anjnn where he was well known, asked the waiter to take off his coat for him: upon which the waiter started, and politely refused to do anything of the kind, for, said he, ' It is felony, sir, to strip an ash !' The Doctor used to say he would have given fifty pounds to be the author of that pun. The waiter was equal to the occasion.