GENERAL ITEMS.

Waikato Times, Volume XVIII, Issue 1540, 18 May 1882, Page 4

GENERAL ITEMS.

"You see," said a school-boy, "Hike goin' to school well enougjfvitis^th^; atayin' there that I hate." ( \, » ? f\ ' I* 'Neighbour Jones, yoit ' .Qsunpy,^, position of .very great trust in this com- [' muu'ity * '/; '."Yes' neighbour- iSmith,* V I fhuVthat'l have^to trust ' almost everyIboidy." , „ (,-,,, - , >- The boy asked ;S\ l \ do, you b\6w^ down the muzzle of your gun ?" And the man replied ; "To see if "and just then he discovered that it\vas. Tlie boy attended his funeral. '''A man is known by the company he ke!eps," said a musician to his dissipated son. ""Ancl a musician is known by the accompaniment he keeps," retorted the uiifilial young man. A Telegraph leader writer had transcended Solomon ! Speaking of the body discovered at, Firichley, he says, " The dead man was arrayed in a pair of socks !" Comment is boot-lace. A nervous witness was lately so tormented and badgered by a licensed tormentor in wig and gown, that at last she had to leave the court, she became so barristerical. " I couldn't be droll, if I tried," said a platitudinal M.P. — " Possibly not," said a nimble- witted Member, " but you are sometimes very droll, without trying. A discussion anent a picture, with the legend "Sold" upon it it. "Is it a Leighton — a Parton — a Thompson ?'' — "Pooh ! — can't' you see — it's a Boughtun!" "Why is this 'good taste' that the Tories talk about so much ? I don't know !" cried a Liberal orator. Said a clear cold voice at the other end of the meeting, " You don't !" A stranger asked a resident in Milford, Delaware: "Are you always troubled with mosquitoes here?" "Mosquitoes ?" was the answer. " Swing a pint measure around all day, and you'll catch a quart of them." The late Key. Dr. Symington, not feeling well one Sabbath morning, said to his beadle, who was a "character," " Man Robert, I wish you would preach for me to-day." " I canna do that" replied Robert ; " but I often pray for you." Not long ago, in a French provincial theatre, a bitfitone made a fearful croak. Hisses and laughter in the audience. Then the artist came gravely forward and saluted the audience: "Messieurs, I discover that I have issued a false note ; I withdraw it from circulation." Clergyman (to newly-wedded pair) — "The marriage state imposes various duties. The husband must protect the wife, whilst the wife must follow the husband wheresoever he goes." Bride — ' Lor, sir, can't that be altered in our case ? My husband is a letter-carrier. " A poor actor had lent another a halfsovereign, which seemed to have no return ticket. On being pressed one day, the latter said, " Keep calm ; I will pay you some way or other !" Said thelender. " Let it resemble my half-sovereign as much as possible, pray ?" At a negro prayer meeting, one of the brethern earnestly prayea that they might be preserved from what he called their "upsettin' sins." "Brudder," said one of her elders, ' 'yer haint "zactly got de hang ob dat ar word. It's besettin — not upsettin'." Brudder," replied the corrected, "ef dats so, it's so ; but I wuz praying de Lawd ter sabe us from de sin ob 'toxication, an' ef dat ain't an upsettin" sin, I dunno." The Blue Gum Tree, — It appears we have not yet heard the last advantages Australian natural products are to confer upon the world at , large. The valuable qualities of the blue gum as an antiseptic and antidote against malaria are already well-known, ancl large plantations of the Eucalyptus promise soon to render the Roman Campagna and other fever-stricken localities endurable and habitable. Now it seems that a discovery has been made of a certain preparation of the Eupalpy tvs which is an infallible specific against consumption. The discovery lias been made by the Hon. Wyndham Stanhope, who has been residing for the winter at Madeira. If this medicine really prove efficacious it will no doubt lead to an increased demand of the plant. It is already largely cultivated, especially in California, where people expect it to foun a very profitable branch of forestry. The growtli there is extraordinarily rapid. Twelve years ago a Mr Collins planted a number at the rate of sixty-eight to the acre but eight feet apart. In a year they had grown a hundred feet high and had a proportionate diameter, and from a plantation of twenty years he cleared a profit yearly of some four hundred dollais.

A Quaint Old Bill in Full Detail. — Decorating the Samls and the Heavens. — The following curious account for restoring a chapel was engraved in French on a watch crystal in the Swiss department of the Vienna Exposition. The whole was placed on a scroll less than an inch square. A painter had been employed to repair a number of pictures in a convent ; he did it, and presented his biil in full for 59 Irancs and 11 centimes to the curate who refused to pay it, saying that the committe would require a full detail. The painter produced it as follows. Corrected and revised the Ten Commandments, 5 francs and 22 centimes ; embellished and renewed Pontius Pilate, and put new ribbon in his bonnet, 3 france 6 centimes ; put a new tail on the rooster of St. Peter, and mended his comb, 3 francs 20 centimes ; replumed and gilded the left wing of the Guardian Angel, 4 francs 17 centimes ; washed the servant of the High Priest, and put carmine on his cheeks, 5 francs 12 centimes ; renewed Heaven adjusted two stars, gilded the Sun and renewed the Moon, 7 francs 14' centimes, reanimated the Flames of Purgatory, and restored some souls, 6 francs 6 centimes ; restored the Flames of Hell, put new tail on the Devil, mended his left hoof, and did several odd jobs for the Damned, 4 francs 10 centimes ; put new spatter dishes on the Son of Tobias, and dressing on his back, 2 francs ; cleaned the ears of Balaam's Ass, and shod him, 3 francs 7 centimes ; put ear-rings in the ears of Sarah, 2 fraucs 4 centimes ; rebordered the robe of Herod, and readjusted his wig, 4 francs 4 centimes ; put a new stone -,ln ,Dav,icl!s Sling, enlarged the liead of Goliath^, and, extended , his legs, 3 francs '2" centimes ;. decorated Noah's Ark, 3 francs ; mended the shirt of the Prodigal Son, aucl, cleaned, the pigs, 4 francs' 9 centimes. Total, 59 francs' ll centimes. ' ' , > The new pure cash' system, now being initiated by G. ran,d C. will certainly pr.ove a benefit 1 ' to the public. It has been a" great success , ,in Sydney and Melbourne, • and when strictly carried r out the customer t \vhp i buys -at ' an establishment where 'the gocjds arc marked low to ensure a rapid sale must, he a gToat 'gainer.' 'Gr.'and C. sell tneir'drapery, millltiQnyafid clofliinffi at such: prices for cash as gives the buyer the advantages of a shareholder ;in a co-operative society) without'the risk of being called, upon to bear a portion of the loss should the, j ear's business : $roye ' unsatisfactory. ' Garlick' and Cranwell . will aim; to ..retain ,the confidence which the public have ' hithertq'shpwn them, and arc determined to give " the^puraJicash^system a fair trial; whether they gain or Jose the first year,. Country buyers' on Vebittittgr'casli'witho'rde/.wiH be .suppljed ■ ivifjiv goods, atj cp^otieratve prices ; just the'same as though' they made apersonal se£ lection. 'Furnishing 1 F !gooas, Jiucfi**jfe Icarpefs; j floor cloths, bedsteads, bedding l and 'general house furniture, the largest portion of which is ' turned put at#ur own, factory, ;wiHbe;inafked t at: / the' lowest remunerative pnce£'an(La discount of, five per 'centi'wilrbe allowed to those who pay at, thejtim'ef ofj purchased G. aM!©: hayinfffealfied^ cash salq,ihe present stock i^mw:j^D2fßMApj^it 3ovGttl^ninsfecHBn<invited;^iS^cW^ ErAswell, City Hall ForoUlunigfArtfaaaVQu'ito'l