RETRENCHMENT.

Waikato Times, Volume XV, Issue 1304, 6 November 1880, Page 3

RETRENCHMENT.

[By Fbakk Fitd(je in "New Zealand

Opinion." The first scene is laid in a council chamber adjoining 1 the Senate, and aeated at a table are the following characters :—: —

ShaukicussJonxii, Ibonicuss, Solemnicuss Tammi, Petrus Holli, Briseup, Swindlius SwAsu'icus, Tabra-Narkicuss Habri.

Ihonicus. Now, by tlie gods, the time has come, I wot, To strike the iron

Roili. Really you're too hot ; We must be cautious

Joxxn. Nay, I quite agree With great Ironicus the proud, that we Should put the screw on

Hakbi. Jonnii, you arause

Mo ; you should have said put off the screws, For, 'pou my honour, we are cutting down Tho State Plebeians Bbiseus. By our Caesar's crown

(Great Julius, I moan to swear by), we Tammi.

Excuse me, freens ; once I was at a tea — Ibonicuss. This is no tea meeting, nor is it a time To talk of tea. Oh, Romans, 'tis a crime To bandy words when all the gods cry out Fiom high Olympus Rolli. Who's a-goin' to shost ! Ironictjs.

Peace, Petrus Rolli, 'tis an ill-timed joke — Jonxii. Who's got a lucifer, I want a smoke ? Swampicus. For shame, Patricians, let Ironicuss Uufolrl his new Retrenchment Scheme to us All tiik Patkiciaxs. Hear, hear ! go ahead. Harm. Clo on ; by Mars ! I swear by all my wounds and all my scars, Received on many a bloody field, that I Will carve the first that speaks a word — Joxxir. Oh ! dry Harri.

"What's that (jmnystq) and draia, his sword) who Dares to use such words to me ? (Great excitement — they all jmnp to their f&t).

All the Patricians. Oh ! noble Roman, 'twas a joke, you see The Consul Jonuii did not mean to (turnin ff to JonniiJ, eh?

JON>IJ. Oh ! no, no, certainly, I meant to say —

Haiuu. Oh ! never mind, since you .apologise ; Ironicuss proceed and tell

ROLLI. A pack of lies. Iromcuss. I'll treat such observations with contempt, And shall explain SWAMPIOUftt. Let squatters be exempt From all taxation.

JOXNJI. Don't interrupt him, pray, Give ear to what Ironicuss may say. Inoxicp.ss.

Lend me your oars ; (aside) they're long enough, I know. Attention, nobles, and I'll strive to show How we can c-arn nn everlasting name, Enshrined aud blsizon'd on the scroll of fume : By all tho gods we swear, that from this hour Our aim shall be to crush the growing pewer Of those Plebeians, who would, if they dare, Drive us from office high, and then uprear Their traitor standards on the Capitol — "We'll crush, the slaves of State while we've tho pull. We know our daya are short, but come what may, We'll dock the vile Plebeians of their P a y» And then— ay, then — I'll haste (as some one says In one of thos>o outlandish plays), To my revenge. I have a little debt (A snub I never have forgotten yet), To pay a friend or two, and, by the gods, I'll soon be even with them— Rolli. Wot' a the odds That you don't go too far, and get us put Clean out office ere our time ? Jonxii. Oh, shut Up, $iow, Rolli ; let Ironicnss Unfold his little game to all of us. Tammi.

Noo freens, tak my advice and let us pray, When I was with the D.T.M.C.A. Before debate, we always aang and prayed ; It's right, ye ken, tae invoke Beiseus. Lemonade.

The Templars put you in, it's only right That you should pray for them. Ironicus. Ah, don't make light, Brave Romans, of our business, let us prove To foes that we can hate as well as love. Ho, there my tablets (Slave enters with tablets.) Let me set them down (writes). The slaves shall learn to fear my haughty frown ; Ha, Trainio, there you are ; I can't forget The day when down the Appian way we met, And you refused to doff your hat and bow To Fompey. Ah, vile slave, 'tis my turn now. Mallardus, too, the civio guard shall go ; 'Tis true Patricians and Plebeians know That he hath well and truly served the State ; But what care we, Oh Komaus, we must sate Our appetites splenetic, ere we fall, "We'll die together Hall together, Ali THE PaTBICIANP. Hail.

Haeeii. By Jupiter, I'd face the Tarpein rook, Ere Greycuss and his minions should

SWAMPICUSS. Oh knock Off blowing, Harri, you're too long. — Winded.

Joxkii. Rolli, strike us ujj a song. Swampicuss. We'll all join iv, Patricians, and we'll roar Some new selections from the Pinafore.

All the Patricians. Well, start it, Swampicuss, your voice is strong, Give us a stave, brave Roman, not too long.

Swampicuss sings. Wheu I was in office I served my friends, Anil always managed to gain my ends, A clear-headed knowledge of legal lore, First gave me a handle to the Land Court door.

Chorus altogether. First gave him a handle to the Land Court door. And that sort of door so suited me, That I managed to parcel off the Swamp, you see.

Chorus altogether. And that sort of door so suited lie, That he managed to parcel off the Swamp, you sec. All the Patricians.

Bravo, bravo ! Now, Jonnii, try your voice, Go on, we'll join in chorus and rejoice.

Jon xii sings. I'm the Premier, don't you see, And mler of the whole Ministrcu, And I snap my fingers at Liberal taunts, And so do the men of the gridiron grants. C/tonii, altogether. And so do the men of the gridiron grants ;

The men of the gridiron grants. Jonnii. Now, Harry, try a verse, I have a call ;

Hahri. I'll give you just a line or two, that's all.

(He tiiiffi) ) Fair screw, to thee I cling 1 , For office seems like the heavens ; Although I manage to have everything Always at sixes or at sevens. All thk Patricians. Now, Tammi, 'tis your turn.

Tammi sings I'm cad Tammi Unco-quid, Kind Tammi Unco-quid, Though I could never tell why ; Still I' am cad TJnco-guid, Douce Tammi Unco-quid, Kind Tammi Unoo-guid, I.

Johnnh sings again. I am the Captain of the Pinafore, And a right good captain too ; I watch the public good, for be it understood, I command a right good screw. My Ministry and me we neyer disagree When the Ship of State's at aea, I know what I'm about, though the Liberals may shout — I never use a Dig, big D. Altogether. What! Never 'i Jonnii. No — never. Altogether. What ! Never ? Jonnii. Well — hardly ever,

Altogether. He'll never uso a big, big D. \ Then give three cheera aud ona cheer moro For the gfillant Captain of the Pinafoiu

Iroxicuss sing?. Dear Captain, I've important information, Singing ho the gallant Captain that you are, I'm going to cook the handsome situation Of him who rules each loromotive car , Singing ho the situation, the handaonie situation, Of him who rules each locomotive car.

Joxnii sings. Dear Dickey, you miust give him timely warning, Singing ho the faithful henchman that you are ; Just write a civil letter in the morning 1 , To him who rules each locomotive car.

Chorus — Singing, etc. Altogether. Never niiiitl the why and Avherefore, Office gives us power, and therefore, Though the Opposition growling on gives us pain, We have worked some leading papers, And have cut some sorry capers, Still we know the time is only short till we are out again ; For we've cooked Britannia's daughter, Aud to ugly straits we've brought her, With mischief we have wrought her. Ring the colony's mistortiuie, For the agony we've piled, Till no credit o'er the water, Is there for Britannia's child. Scknk Closes.