VARIETIES.

Waikato Times, Volume XIII, Issue 1156, 22 November 1879, Page 5 (Supplement)

VARIETIES.

" Diop me a line," as the drowning m m said to the fellow on deck. What joint of meat ia most appropriate for an empty larder ? A fillet (fill it.) The difference between a cat confined m a bag and the wind sighing through a dilapidated honse ia that one cries through a sack and tho other sighs through a crack. When the girl who has encouraged a young man for about two years suddenly turns round and tells him that she can never be more than a sister to him, Jae can for the first tiras see the freckles on his nose. A woman was buried under the ruins of her house for two days, and yet came out alive, but was awful mad to think she hadn't had anybody to talk to during the weary | hours. " Oh, yes," said a grumbling beggar, " folks al'ays helps them as don't need any help. Why, there's lightnin' : it can get down to the ground fast enough all by itself, an' yit folks is all the time a puttin' up rods for it to slide down od." When a man becomes afflicted with the awful complaint of wri'ing personal puffs of himself for a village newspaper, under a thin guise of news, he is not cured by a coldness on the part of the editor. The inveterate self flatterer simply carries " the news" to the paper over the way, and lays the flattering unction to his soul that the world is blind. It is such things as these that keep a newspaper man away from church. He stays at home and ponder* on the thinuess of the stuff of which hurarnity is sometimes constructed. — * Turner Falls Press.' The editor of a religious paper which had one month's precarious existence m Chicago, says that ifc is a good city for a religious paper, providing Satan has three pages, and the other page is mixed. She sat at the fire knitting. Her lovely eyes rested ever and anon upjn the handsome face of her lover opposite. " When are we going 1 to be knitted together, Jenny ?" he asked her softly. She knitted her brows. " Don't, George, you make i me drop a stitch ; look at the wool." v Wool you be mine, darling V he answered. She fetched him a playfulono m the eye wiih the* apparatus. He got the needle, and went away and married another girl who didn't do fancy work. That was a delicate compliment a seven-year-old Milwaukee paid his mother. The family were discussing at the supper-table the qualities which go to make up a good wife Nobody thought the little fellow had been listening, or could understand the talk, till he leaned over the table and kissed his mother, and said, " Mamma, when I get big enough I'm going to marry a lady just like yon." A man being" accused of extravagance declared that the accusation wai unjust, "for," said he, "I am very careful to Jive within the means of my creditors." A Parisian father-in-law was complaining that his daughter's husband knew nothing about gambling, when a friend interrupted him, say. ing, " Why, that's not a fault ; it's a virtae." "But, you see," said the faiher-in law, "ho gambles all the same." A school-boy spelt d-e-c-i-in-a-l and pronounced it dismal. " What do you mean by calling that dismal?" exclaimed tho teacher. " 'Cause it is," answered the boy. " It's dismal fractions. All fractious are dismal. There isti't a bit of fun m any of 'em." Trickett is 39 years old. Ho ia a mason, by trade, i\nd was born at the mouth 0/ the Paramatta river