MARK TWAIN AT NIAGARA.

Waikato Times, Volume X, Issue 815, 6 September 1877, Page 2

MARK TWAIN AT NIAGARA.

Niagara Falls is one of the finest structures m the world. I have been visiting this watering-placo recently for the first time, and was well pleased. A gentleman who was with me said it was customary to be disappointed m the falls, but that subsequent visits were sure to set that all right. He said it was so with him. He said that the first time he went hack fares were so much higher than the falls that the falls appeared insignificant. But that is all regulated now. The lu^ekmeD have been tamed, numbered) and placarded and blackguarded, and brought into subjeotion to the law, and dosed with moral principle till they are meek as missionaries. They are, divided into two classea now, the Regulars and the Privateers, and employ their idle time m warning the people againsb each other. The Regulars are under the hotel banners, and the Privateers prowl darkly on neutral grouud, and pick off stragglers at half price. But there are no more outrages arid extortions. - That sort of thing oured itself* It made the falls unpopular by getting into the nevrs^ papers, and whenever a public evil achieves that sort of success for itself its days are numbered. It became apparent that either? the falls had to be discontinued, or thehackmen had to subside. They could not dam the falls, so they did the hackmen. One can be comfor-^ table and happy there now. 'i I drank up most of the American falls before I learned that the waters were not considered medicinal. Why are people left m ignorance m this way! I might have gone on and ruined a fine property merely ioi* the want of a little information/ V And yet the sources of informal tipn aye not meagre a$ NiagaM*

finite You're something m doubt seldom m do^J^ppcernmg what you must do., If an miant can| ' read,^thut infant ds:,immoaßUrabjy. safe as; Niagara/ - lt r vll^ j In the J rooms 15 at tKe boMiybu will find- youiVPOurse^inarkel out m the most convenient way, by means of pladard¥;fiA the walls like these : ii :: t Pull' the bell'rope gently, /but i don|t jerk., ;•.,- ; v '•>■:■■■;'*■!•::•■*;/[ i^r--'<".-\ 1 Bolt. your dopr.^;, . . t;i „, . ' Don't scrape matches on- thel .walla tor furniture/ • ! : ! J 'f 1 * Turn off j your gas ■ when -you «e-| tire.'^ „, , .: v fi-j'ji i)\i .1/ i , 'Tieup your dog, .f/ n/ , j •"■■« If you j |fft your; H bppts outside the dpori they Vni>qbliicke4'j buti house will not be iHssponmble. W their return. 1 • »»'-:i-oMrtf. r > <••• ;■ ■'<' This is; a cpnfusitj'g and tanglesome proposition} ' be&aiise it/moires you to deliberate long and painfully) as to whether it will really be any object to yon to r ha^y°, Qr boots bkckedunless,, they»i|,returned. 1 Give your, key to the omnibus driver if you forget and carry it off ,-^with'you." ; -- i; ' l -- l - lrt J '«i %, Outside the hotel, wherever you you are' intfelli^ently assisted by,the;sign9. ;r Y;ou cannot; come to grief as long as' you are m ypur rjght min^with ,59, : n^any.m-* 1 Btructions to keep track of. For instance :, , A. ••■^:-'i«- -4' -j' 1 -' 1 Keep off the grass.' „< Don't dimb the trees.? -- ' ' Hands off the Vegetables.' ■ ' Don't hitct ypur horse, to- the shrubbery.' ' * Visit the Cave of the Winds.' ' Have your portrai^taken m your, carriage.' - * Forty per cent, m gold levied on all peanuts a,nd other Indian, curi--1 bsitie^purchsised m Cafiad^l' ' J 'Photographs of the.falls takenhere. 'Visitors will please notify the Buperintendentot' any iieglect on the ; part of the employes to charge for commodities.' (No iiiattention of 'this kind is observed.')' •■' ■ ' • ' ; ' ; .#% ' Don'.t throw stones, down j ,tKere might be people below. 'The "pi'oprieiorswill ■'•not be 'tes'jifiiisible' for parties who jump < bVer the falls. 1 (More : shirkiug- 6f reßponsibili't^-i-it appears to be -tHe -prevailing thing vhere.).. ... .- I always had a high regardjfor^the •signers of th'e Declaration of Independence; but now they- did not really seem to amount to f .much albng with the signers ot Niagara Falls! '-r/T 111 "^ To tell the truth, the .multitude of signs; annoyed ..met ( 'is ..'.'.was' ■be.cauße i noticed at' ja : sttteyit prohibiiing the. very thing I was Just wanting to do. I desired to roll on the grass, the sign i prohibited it.' ".•' 1/ lbtog'tid' |tb smoke; a sign prohibited it. And I was just in' the act 6t throwing a stone over to astonish and pulverise such parties us might be pic-nicking below, when a sign I had just mentioned forbade that.. Even that satisfaction was denied, and' I was a friendless orphan. . . . . . „ .,. ; , There was no resource now brt to seek consolation i froW the' 1 flowing > bowl. I drew my flask from my, pocket, but it^was all m vain. A sign , confronted , me. j. which : >._saifl .: 'No drinking allowed on these premises^ ■';•■■' ■■ Ji >'- !> -- : (;5 ' ■ ; - ; - i l On that spot I might hare perished of thirst but "for the saving words of an honored, maxim t that^ flitted : through my memory at tli^t moment: ''.All signs ftiil );s[£*.s&!{[ tijnes.' Common law takes precedence of i the statutes; I.was stfved./'i '■•■ ■>■' The^noble Red Indi&n' bad'aiyjays 'lieen a dartißg^f >cad about him m tales; and legends and, romance.- :-.•;. ..'■ • ,-!\.ym '■ • ><\'i. urn- _ I love- to read of 'his inspired sagacity, and of his lo^e of Mfc will^, free life of mountain and forest, and his grand truthfulness, his hatred of treacb ery, and his general nobility^ of character, and' his pboricaj ; speech,' ans his., ohivalric' love fot the dusky, maiden, and the picture que pomp v pf his, dress and accoutrements., „.,,. , .- When I found the shops ats jagara Falls full of dainty, beadwork and stunning mocassins, and equally stunning toy figures representing human beings who carried their weapons m holes bored ih'th^eir arms and bodies shaped like a pie, I was filled with emotion. I knew .•that now I was going to 'Gome iface to face with the noble red man. A lady clerk m the shop told me, indeed, that all her grand array were made by the Indians, aniji there were plenty about the.fklls, and that they were friendly, and that it would not be dangerous to, speak to them. ',"'.. : I came upon a camp pi them gathered m the shade of -a great tree, making mocassins, 1 and addressed" them 1 1 W- i the,' following language of friendships „,-,,, , *.'. 'Noble Bed Jtten,, Brave, Qrand : Sachem, War Chiefs^ .Squaws, and High-yoU Muck-aiMticks^ 1 the palfe faceft-om the' 'laJ^!"^- 1 setfcmg sun greetsyou., Ybu,,B^eficent Polecat, you, Devourer of MountaiDS, You, Roaring Thundergust the pale face from beyond the great waters greets you all. _: t.. ' War and pestilence have thinned your ranks arid destroyed your once proud' nation. '< Poker *and seven r up. and a vain modern expense for soap (unknown to your glorious ancestors) have depleted your purses. Appropriating m simplicity the property of others has gotten you into trouble -Misrepresenting facts- m- your-sin-less innocence has damaged your reputation with the soulless usurper. • Tfading" with 40-yo4 wbiskY> to

enable you to get drunk and tomaeverlasting mischief with^the piotuvesque pofep of r you^^dre&s, and here! you are, m the broad light of the! '^ueffeenth* century, gbtf&n 'dp 1 j% the ragtag 'and bobtail of theftuT-; lieus of New York. For shame!! iß'eiheinber your ancestors ! jfjEJec^jl j their mighty deeds \ [ >-{$.Qs\emb.er\ XTnca^ana' Bed Jacket, and Hoje-j in-Jibe-iQay, .and Horace; Greelev.! Einuiate their acKievetnehts ! J "' JJh ■ furl^yourssivea under my banner.. Noble savages, illustrious gutter-: isnipes"— ■ < ■".;■•< -<■.■■,•;.•'■■;■,; v-, : - .-■.•.■■',- : • Down wid him !' '< Scalp" titeblagard!' , « « Hang him !V,, 7n? v* :>=■.-'- ,--. ' Drown him !' It was the quickest operation that; I ever. saw. . I simply saw a sudden flash'in the air of clubs, brickbats, fists, bread-baßkets, and, mocassins — a single flash, and they all appeared to" hit me at onoe, and no two of feheioi m) the Sfttne place. ,: i : , •. ' : i. In » the next instant the • entire tribe was upon mcV ;. They tore all "the clothes off of me, they broke all : .my arms and legs, they gaye , xne a thnmp that dented, the top of my head till it would hold coffee like a Baucei', ami then, tocrowii theirdisgraceful proc,ee.c(ipgß q.nd add insult to injury, ithey threw ime over the Horseshoe Fall, : and I ! got= wet/ 1 „ About ninety-nine or ; a' hundred 'feet from the top $ie ; remains of my vest caught on a projecting: rock, and I was almost drowned before I could get loose. l < ■ . " - I finally fell, and brought up m. a world-' df tfoam at the foot of the fall, whose celled arid bubbly masstowered up several inches above my 'head. ■■■'■••■■ -.■■■-'* ■>-*^ ; < ; ,-Of'course I got into the eddy, I - sailed round and round it 44 times, chasing a chip and gaining on.it — eaoh round trip a half mile — reaching the same bush on the bank 44 times, and just exactly missing it by, a, Hair's; breadth every !tnne. v ' At last a man walked down^and sat; down close, to th^t bush, and put a pipe m his mouth, and lit a match, andfollowedmewith >one eye, kept the other on the match while he f sheltered' itf m! his 'hailds from the wind. Presently "aT puff of wind blei^/it out. . . , i ■: ; The nexlff time I swept around himjie.said :— - j' ; „,;,•,' ' ' ' Goiamatch.*:, : ' '. ." 'I ";fses, :i in': my ptfier: vest. Help me out, please.' : : .'NotiorJoe.' When/I came found again I said : 'Excuse the seemingly impertinent curiosity of a drowning man, bjttjj $ou explain this singular condacfctof yours !• v - A - - a? ' "Wil/hfpjeaspre.i » l ami thercoroner. , Don't ,hurry ( on ..my, account ; X can wait' foe you. t I wish I had a match.' „ Take.my place and jqj g 0 an( j yiDUiione.' ■•■; ; ■■'.■■.,•.'.■>:■■; ,-•-< ■■■•.■•,■ ;GEfo declined. This • lack o£ confidenceoti his part created a coolness betvee)!' us, and from .that time forward 1 1 avoided him. .;,.■•„■ : It was my idea, m case anything happened to me, to so time the occurrence as to;£tiroW; my custom into the hands of the opposition coroner over on the .American side. At last a and arrested me for disturbing the peace by yelling jfoVlielp) ■.) } '• -j (V-! The « judge fined me,- tWt I ' had the, advantage of him. , My money was ytiijh > in^p|initaloons; wHicli]«rerp with , the Indians. Thjaa ■ lam -iiowlying m a Wry critidal condition^-at' ■least I am lying any way, critical oiynot. Ijami&urt all overj -but I caiiiiojb tell ui'e ektent yet, besause the doctor is not done taking the- inventory. . iMfi wilf imake outUny manifest this evening. However, thus far, he thinks only six of my wounds are fatal. I don't mind the others. Upon regaining my right mind 1 stud—.! jj' ■■■-. '„ : . ■. ; .-. .■ , r ■.-. :\- ~, 1 'It is an awfully savage tribe of Indians, that do the beaclwork and mocassins for Niagara FaUs, dpctor. | Wijere'db^th'ey cpniefrom 1' : IshaM.not be able, to , finish my remarks about' Niagara Falls until I get betters