FEATHERS AND CHAFF.

Waikato Times, Volume X, Issue 746, 29 March 1877, Page 2

FEATHERS AND CHAFF.

(From an Auckland Correspondent.)

March 21.

Mb ccraraiNG and his keg. • I see from the Waikato Times that some person has made a predatory incursion upon Mr Cutnming's beer kegs. I think my old friend (£ mean Cumming-, not the fchief) might take a leal out of -the book of an Auckland bouiface. There was stolen from his premises one night this weak a flat iron, and the following a leg of mutton. Then thsb licensed victualler bought a big bulldog, a sleepy looking creature, with blinking eyes, and tied him to the fence. There wis a sligho noise heard m the yard during the night, but nothing to speak of. Next morning, when the publican surveyed the scene, he found pieces of skin, legs of trousers, and two tolerably good hats, scattered about the yard. He sold the hats for 7s 6d, and now says he is about square with the thieves.

HOW TO DEAL. WITH DEPUTATIONS.

The Waikato folks are rather fond of interviewing 1 a Minister whenever they can catch one. I remember being present at about 15 deputations m one day ia a certain township, which shall be nameless. Bat there is a Premier m Queensland who haa a knack of dealiug with these nuisances which stamps him as an original genius. Here is specimeu of his tactics— Deputation : W& wait on you, sir, as Premier of the Colony, to lay before you our grievances m connec tion with Premier: Oh, yes; I know all about it. I'll bring the matter under the notice of my colleagues. Now then, are there any more of you ? What'll you take to drink % All this is done m one breath; the deputation is completely flabbergasted ; their little speeches are all ruthlessly knocked oa the head, and, to use a racing phrase, "It's all over but the shouting-." GOItTON AND HIS BRANDING IRON. You remember Gorton — Gorton the Brander — who goes about with an instrument, like Alexander, sigh, ing for new fields for his ingenuity. You remember how chagrined the Colonel was because his brandingiron failed to make any impression upon the crockeryware at Governrneut House, and how he revenged himself by stamping the broad arrow recklessly upon everything that came m his way. Things ouly came 10 a crisis when, after stamping a baby's feeding-bottle, he wanted to brand the baby itself, which aroused fhe ire of an indignant nurse, a'ud led to his unceremonious ejection from the premises. The " Kurnel " is a perfect gourmand at branding ; he actually revels m it. There isn't I a thing m this world but he would stick that mark on if he had his way. I learn from a private letter that Gorton has been cavoortin' around the Government offices m -Wellington, and has made things lively. Officers throughout the colony have to send ia every year what is known as a " property return," which is duly checked by the Colonel. Now there was something wrong with one of these returns, and the Colonel forthwith telegraphed : " Needle missing from this year's return ; explain." The officer was at his wit's end. Subordinates were examined, every corner of the place was ransacked, bnt no light was thrown on the whereabouts of that mysterious needle, and no one knew what sort of needle was meant. But a happy thought struck the officer m charge. He telegraphed— " Was the needle branded?" and the reply 'came, " Never mind the needle now." Gorton had " kerflummixed."

A COGENT REASON. There was a case lately ia a Resident Magistrate's Court about an obstruction to n road. A person who claimed the land ran a fence across, and stopped the traffic. The highway board, however, disputed his title, and instructed their secretary to go forthwith andknojk down that fence. He went and looked at it, and then executed a skilful retrograde movement. Then he offered to pay a bnshman to knock down that obstruction, and the man went also, had a look, aud offered to hand over the job to some one else. The affair afterwards got into the Resident Magistrate's <;ourt, and the Solicitor to the Board asked, " Why did you not reniovo the fence, — what were your reasons ?" " Well," replied the secretary, sontentiously, "my reasons were two bulldogs, five men with tomahawks, and a sixth with a three-pronged fork used for thinning turnips." The Court was satisfied.

LIVELY NEIGHBOUES. A few days ago a Dutchman went

into a newspaper office to tell hi grievances. ,, He was... , ushered into the editorial sanction. - u;s fle mopped his face y^ith a big red handkerchief and said/-^ Veil, I comes to dell you somedihgs 'pout idafr fellow ash lifs next door. : You'rb de fellow ash bdots all.de dings m the baper, and I vants'ydu^to^wfite a sneezer pout dat fellow ash lifs next door. He .rants' mine house, cos its de vinesb house riund the blace, and dat fellow next door he ties a pig pull tog do der vence and den he kits a gon-zt-rdinaandhesker-watsdown outside and blays do make dat tog howl and he do howl most awful, I gan tell you. But that's not the voorst ding he does. I gan tell you. He getches all der rars and turus dem loose m ,my yard, , he^ prigs mine eggs, his P*B.. P°y hides mine leedle Gustav m der eye, an^i his vife she dreatened ter pull me to the coort cos der wasser from mine yard vet her veet and gif ■ her a gold. V I vaut you to write a sneezer, and I'll pay for it. The editor said he was always handy when there waß a cause which lacks assistance, and the " furrineer" retired with many bows.

THE COCOANUTS. The substantial results of mia*\ sionary labour are -being reaped by* the youngsters who have subscribed their pennies towards the good work. The Day Spring ; has been visited every day by crowds of Sunday School children, each of whom have been gladdened with a cocoanut. The other day the mate caught a bright youth m the act of coming the double shuffle. He said m stern tones " oorne,' come, my little man, you were on board before to-day, and got a cocoanufc." "Yes, I was," replied the ingenious juvenile, "but that was with another Sunday School." IT MUST BE POT DOWN. A sucking barrister was holding forth m the Police Court the other day m a case. The Court suggested that so much burning forensic eloquence was wasted on the desert air, and had better be reserved for a more important dec ision. " Bat the man was drunk, your Worship," repeated the limb of the law. "Well, that is m evidence" said the Court. "Yes," rejoined the learned gentleman, " but your Worship, this drunkenness must be put down," — an. l immediately after the case was closed, that young man went down to Perkins' and took a brandy and soda. OUT OF 'PLACE. A gentleman of Piako and Thames celebrity was m Cawk wells' the other day, when a dispute arose about some trivial business matter. I regret to say that the Thames man swore. .Mr • Cawkwell took occasion to remind the sinner that that gentleman had once been a local preacher, and comenced to hum " There is a happy land, far, far away." "If you sing that again I'll knock you down," said the ex-local preacher, and Cawkwell did sing it again, and there was a little scene. Such my friends are the consequences of rebuking sinners. MAKING "PILES." There has been a geueral impression abroad lately that the days of pile-making were over. When you speak ot the old palmy days when the scrip mania was about its highest and fortunes were made by the signing of a tiusfer, people sighed, shook their heads, and exclaimed "'bhj the Thames is worked out;" But the events of the past few days have belied the pre- | dictions of the lugabrious. Tako the Moanataiii for instance. Not many days ago you could have bought the market up at £\ per scrip and to-day they have been quoted at £22. There is a farmer who has lately come to town just to look about him. He bought 50 scrip at £1. — £50, and to-day he can sell for 1000. Mr C J Stone, holds about 800 scrip, and the rise represents a profit to him of .£16,800. Bufc then there is McCosh Clark. He holds just 1,300 scrip, and has therefore during one week made the nice little haul of £28,600. He says the dividends have reimbursed him the price he paid for the scrip. Do I think I ' see any of your mouths watering] Well, I just think I do.