FEATHERS AND CHAFF.

Waikato Times, Volume X, Issue 738, 10 March 1877, Page 2

FEATHERS AND CHAFF.

(FROM AN AUCKLAND qORRESPONDENT ) Marph 9 AN ORIGINAL EXOC7SE. The story comes to me from one of the iet laments in Waikato, but I can't vouch for its truth, neither do I l,ke to vindi care fie ..articular for fea r that Mispiuion might fad uuou some person. Hero followed* fyfcte ye fyrste. Tbe happy pair had gone on a visit, and that evening, the gentleman, who was a staunch Gr.xul Templar, went on a visit to the local Lodge, whereat he wa* received with much honour. He returned home late, and got in by the back •loor, but the quick ear of hh spousa detected an unusual unsteadiness in his gait. • Why, what a noise you make ! How ieavily you walk.' « Well, my dear,' reolie I he, ' if y,>u can get a barrel of whisky up stairs with less noise, I should just like to see you do it.' Next day it became known that Bro. had bac<-slide-.1, aud there was much tribulation. Au Auckland publication was asked the •»thn- d.iy, hnv Good IVmplary affected him ' vVell,' hi repli-d,. ' ihe only way it affects m-i is this :—Whereai, most on 'em ueed to come iu, stick up their liquor*, get screwed and kick up a noise

.W iW °«me?aiid.gp quie.ly, anl pay |for wh^ipyJbavV $ WHAT THEY BXPBCT OF A COUNTRY :■}■■■ BDITOR. ?; Of coarae, I'm not at all surprised that 'now and then you receive very curious Question? from correspondent?, but I •jshould just like to ask why you sent the following to me to answer for you : Will you be so kind as to write and let me know what you cau send me wig for —oue wiih hair long and curley, whitebrown ?' Ifc strikes me, i know the gentleman who aeub you that;. Does he live at JMgaruawahi.i. Well, I can't furnish jour frieud wich 03Mmat b for a wig, but, I can do more —«tell him how to raise a new head of hair,' and that's what all the Trycop lerous an I Patent Hdir Restorers iu Lhe woild can't accomplish. The discovery was made by Consul Stev«us, afc Niooleaf. He had a servant, whose head was almost as clean as a washed turnip, auvo a few straggling hair*, like wispa of straw, dropped by a cart in a newly mown field.' It was the servant's duty to tnin the lamps, which were tilled with petroleum, and it was his invariable practice, after doing so, to wipe hispetroleum-besruoaiel hands upon the few scanty locks that remaiued to him. Well, the result was that in three months his head was covered with a beautiful crop of greasy black hair, which excited the jsalousy of the consul himself. He was struck by the remarkable occurrence, and tried the experim-nc on some retriever spaniels that had become suddenly bald, and it was successful in restoring the hair. It was tried upon cattle and horses and was miraculously effectual. The petroleum must be of the most reSued Ameiican qualify, and must he rubbed iu quickly and vigorously with the palm of the hand, and applied at intervals of three days, six or seven times iu all, except in the case of horses and mares, when more applications may be required. Of course, Ikn>w that my receipt will be regtrded at a joke, hut ic is vouched lo? on the authority of Consul Stevens, and the' Pall Mill Gazette.' HOW THEY TfiEAT WIFE HEATERS AT CARSON. Hurrah ! the true remedy for the hrutal otfence of wife-beadng has been found at Carson city. On tne 20„h January a 8.1 l was introduced in the local Legislature providing that woman-oeaters shail be tied to a post erected lor thn purpose in some puoiio place, aud weariu.4 a placard on their oreasts mamed ' womanbeater,' or * wife bearer,' a-, the case may oe, and when this punishment nas been undergone, it will be supplemented by a term of imprisonment I hare tent .or a copy of that 8.11, and I mean to hand it over to one of our New Zealand Solons in the hope that he will endeavour to get some such meisu-e pissed in this cjuntry. i THE PARSONS AXD THE EDITORS. The parsons have boen dowu on the editors again. One old i-uss *ays the of newspaper reporters are irrevocably lost and damned because of the frightful iniquities they practice ; and another, a little more charitable, says there's some hope for 'em if they turn away at once and flee fioin the wrath to ome. One of my friends, who io a gentleman of the Press, says ho s not likely to feel uncomfortable in tUat partiou a • spot, besides that he believes all journalists go io Fiddler's Green, and as io fleeing the wrath to come -well, h.'s got a big wife and sixteen small chiidreu at home crying for bread, and the wrath to come would be nothing to the present wrath of r8 if be neglected to take her the usual ' screw 'on Saturday. On Sunday last the Rjv J Robertson, il A. of the Beresford-street Church, ottered up prayers for * those who wro.e in the Press and influenced public opinion by tliat means But concerning parson*, don't you think the newspaper mn oug'io to letur'n the complime.it, put their columns into mou.niiig, and uppo.nt a day of tnbu a ion. li.ev cou.d get the saikjioth fro.n off r,he bales ot and ih-j ashes out ot tne engine room.

concerning- parsons anb shows. Appropos of the above there cm be no harm in repeatiug a storv tuat has been cold to me by an actor "of some f .one— Johny Hall. There *as, ir, bte-us, a certain man in Ainer ca who was the the proprietor of a abow vvhi.h was coualered by clergynieu and Insidious people to be of au iu.m.»r«l ct a auter. Tin bi»88 of that show called it a «classic' aud the tiguers 'statuesque,' but tbe straight laced people differed from him, and the parsons preached «weralsermonß about that vioioun and immoral show, ilia result, was, a* might Have be<m foreseen thit jpeople weut to *eo it. The bjsa iouud after a while tbafc be could dispense entirely with advertising, as he was getting it all done gratis. Whenever he was about to show in a new town be got some friend to writ? a yrij&nrfo* r-v tnatthetownwßsabouttobepolJut«lbyJth« pr**euce ot'tuat must immoral tx h-k.uu, and advising rev. gentlemen to denounce it to their congregations, iheu when the sly old showman came around and pitched his tent it was always filled to overflowing, and very often ihe parson him*»lf was detected m the back seats, noc to speak of the chnrehwardens who were geuerally first. Johny Hal concludes «that show man made a big thing, you bet, ole hoss, and he went out o' that big thiug in teas'na ew years with something Jess'n fourty two huadred million dollers.' I'm not given to exaggeration my e elf. it's a a thing I despise as totally uunecessary and supeifluous, and therefore I beg to point out that Jony Hall must be held entirely responaibb for the above.

PBOPER LEGISLATION. It may be all very well to boast about our g'onsuscouadtutiou ami freedom and all tbe rest of it, but there are things in which we cant hold a caudle to the Germans.

It isrecmt'y that the old boy was out oue dewy eve having a qui=t suoll along the Bully varda aud ra i,.g stock of the Frauleins a* they triplet along in shor petticoats, and that ftfeiiug dry ihe Kaise just strolled into a betr taloon to wet his Imperial whistle. Now it happened that some of the rascily restaurateurs of Vienna had a way of givintr short measure, but old Bi ly being a fair man himself, and up to a thing or two swore by potstastands that he'd soon pnt «n end to such villainous swindling So the Kaiser s»nt for the Chancellor, Prince Bismarck, and had a law passed whuh conipela, all restaurateurs to have their beer glasses gauged by the Govern, ment, and also requires a ]j ue to be clearly cut round them below which the froth on settling muat not subside Thus does a wise and beneficent ruler seek to advance the welfare and happiness of his subjects. You may bet your bottom dollar that the old official*who "£ those glasses bas drank many a boghead obeer and that if he err. L the right side- I wish the liberal and enlightened press would raise its , owerful vo.oe ia sopport of applying tbia law to colonial pint-pots.

lm afraid you will reg a -d (his »* com* tmgtoo ruuch.of parses an I bee? but u the rev. gentlemen oant taka joke it's no fault of mine