TOWN TALK.

Waikato Times, Volume X, Issue 732, 24 February 1877, Page 3

TOWN TALK.

BBOMiAN AUCKLAND OQRRBSPOtTDBHT.) February 22. Nihe Mixes fob a Letter. ' ■'■! stle By ' your columns that the settlers at'Pukerimu, have to go eight or nine miles for'thei't letters; ' Thavfl no doubt it is, as you represent, a very serious , inconvenience to many, but I should be ; • , very glad if the Auckland Post Office' could have been moved to, hay Otahabu, during the Valentine season. Ibis not so pleasant to 6e fined for deficient postage :: on a number ""of 7 letters, aud. then, on . opening tnem, to find that they contain ': nothing but outrageous caricatures of : yourself. ; THis isadding insult to injury. ' ! *■ ■' 'Editob's TiTHiKias. ■■' ■■' An editor's life m Waikato may have ib'.s drawbacks, bu 1 ; there is a sunny side to it, inethinks. / Here, where fruit is dear, and comes to one m a bruised and bat Wed condition, l can sit and draw a "mental picture of your editorial table, groaning beneath the weight of contribu'iona of pear 3 weighing a pound each, o! potatoes, each of which would furnish a meal for an ordinary navvy, and plums which make the mouth. water even to think of 'tin Then, of course, the walla of your sanctum are hung around with bunches of fruit, for which you have ho spaca atpresent, and other luscious things ere • crowded out.' Why donfc the^ producers of those splendid samples" send some down for exhibition at our Auck- . land Shows. The Waikato bnght to carry off the pal m from all competitors m agricultural exhibits, and could do so, if • the. settlers, chose to d,o justice to it. By the way, if there are any odd samples knocking about which you don't know what to do with, you can send 'em along his .way..- I'm a firßVplfiss judge of, pears : thinga." Abolishing Pew Bents. So, the Wenleyans of Waikato have resolved to abolish seat rents m their " chapels'for the future; , I wish some of the Aucklarid Churches would follow the example, and if they did away with the plate system, it wouldn't cause any great jmmter to secede. 'There are some * : Churchwaraenß who have a knack of ' putting, the plate under your nose m ' such a way that you dare ''-.not refuse to ' throw m a coin 1 , even were it your last ' ! ehillhig. As to the pew«rent system, it -' is a cause of no* little heart-burning. - ifbwever extraordinary the statement ■*■' ibay appear; I would here remark that, I • Occasionally go to Church myself. Last ? ■'■ Suuday, t took my seat imoicdiately.be- * hind a very stout old lady. Very soon a - tall f emale m black, accompanied by her '.*•'< two '-daughter*?, swept along the aisle, and '- stood at the ; end of the seat m front. When she noticed the Btout party, she look expressive of the * scorn and contempt, elevating her nose m , the air, aud apparently seeking m the '•'Si sole' exp ? lanaiion **!» •Jg^l faol! that the. stout lady' had dared to m. vade.the sanctity of ;her rights^ Then she ' gathered' up iip her feknts, and struggled pasfthe stout party, and the younl ladies followed. 1 1 waa very close , . <;*pr\L*, Therer was, a, good deal o?J™"»8 : ' of feathers, and I'd wager some i odda that Jhe tall wry^necked one. m black Jid some mild mental swearing. It was a B ee.ho^sh & flopped 4own witli a? air of injured dimity, and the side- ' "lona glance of ineffable disdain cast : : Si^hestoutin^uder, before she nnaHy " ' '. bowedher head m. the ousfcomary manner, The Esch-ish Oeiokbteji% Now that the Ebgliah Criokefcei* are

gone, there a»e some curious stories aflo it abent their doings here. Some of them were so exceedingly innocent, that it appeared to be the simplest thing m the world to take 'em m, and do for 'em, as customary m the case of strangers. For instance, there was Selby, who imagined be could play billiards, and it was really enough' to excite pity, to watch the awkwardness of the poor simpleton, m trying to make a cannon. There was a local Boniface, who is a don at billiards, and who felt deeply for . that poor benighted Englishman, and be resolved to, give him a few lessons m the science. He invited Selby to play a game of 500 up, for .£s, generously giving him 200, m consideration of his lamentable ignorance of I lie, game. ,It was positively shameful the way that Boniface run up a score, and the lumbering fashion m which the poor deluded cricketer attempted to cbalk. Everybody said it was a shame that 1 a stranger should be swindled m such an outrageous fashion. When the game stood at 1450 to 438, the Englishman, who held the cue, said, ' Well, look here, I know I shall be licked, for certain, ibnjb dash my buttons if I'm goin# to lose pluck. Suppose we double the money," and bis opponent, 1 sure, of winning, consented at once. Then that simple-looking cricketer took . up the cue, with a smile that was child-like and bland, and went clean out m one break. Yo a ought to have seen the face of that Licensed Victualler, as the £10 went into the Englishman's pocket. But the beat of the story is m the sequel. Selby was to run Ellis, the crack Auckland ped, neit day, and he was troubled with serious misgivings about the result. He wanted to hedge, and he confidentially advieeJ the victualler to do likewise. The licensed one took Selby to a private room, anjl asked him for a square tip. The .cricketer, was ■ still not eanguine. Then Boniface, who, to give him his due, is a speculative cuss, thought he sawja way of recouping bis £10. He began to ask odds on the Englishman. Selby said, 'Well, I' know 1 ahall lose, tut yon're a good .fellow, and I'll give you a cbance to win back your £10. Suppose we say, double or quits.' 'Done with you,' replied the other. It is. quite unnecessary to tell bow next morning Selby tan away from .Ellis, &nd won as he liked, or, to describe the scene on board the steamer, when the stakes and bets were paid over. Why shoul i I linger over the painful subject ! The Kino of the Cannibal Islands.

. Civilization is advancing with rapid strides, (and (he science of Government, poli* tise, money -lending, billet-hunting^and hypocrisy are being spread abroad m the dark places of the earth. At Samoa they have a newspaper of which the king was once part proprietor, and »he subscriptions to wbioh, were received m cocoa nuts. Samoa does not yet boast a mint. I . think I saw something m the Waikato Times lately, about starting, a gratuitous newspaper, and if my memory serves me, jyou thought such a journal would have a wide circulation. Well, why don' t . you do things on the Samoan system. You know it would be the ' same owin' system.; You needn't laugh. Ib isn't a pun. If you think so HI be 'out of town' next time Von comes to Auckland. But just think how admirably adapted the Waikato distriot is for that plan, with its 130 plums on single brandies monster potatoes, and ponderous pears, you could set up a green grocery store and run a gennine big thing m agriculture. Mind if any of your numerous subscribers ■are'largely m a l . rear, they're not obliged to take these remarks as having any speolal reference to them. But revenotts a nos Tonga! England is not goi-ig to be conquered as Rome by barbarians of , Europe. It will be by fleets innumerable 'from the myriad isles of the antipodes. The Bing of Tonga is already preparing for that clay and has entered into a treaty of defence with his brother of Germany, the great Kaiser, and the fifth clause of said treaty states " That there shall be reciprocal liberty for the ' shipß of war' of the • two high-contracting parties' to enter into all places:, ports, add waters, within the dominions of etther party, to anchor there and remain, take m stores, refit and rep&ir, &c." You may imagine that the advantage is all on the side of the Kaiser, but you are mistaken. The King of Samoa is preparing a fleet, and the j construct of his navy, who was once a bosun on board a whaler, has been ordered by the Admiralty of Tonga to prepare designs of an iron.-clad war canoe. Evidently there are stiring times a heard. Drawing Room Prejudices. The 'Home News'r m noticing the arrival m London of Sir Julius Yogel, admits that 'he has grave defects of manner,' but expresses a hope" that no drawing room prejudices will be allowed to operate against him m town.' Do you see what a humiliating confession is here ? It says as plainly as words can Bay, that no man who is not a dab hand at winning the favour of the London ladies has any show m diplomatic circles. Such is the tyranny to which oppressed and downtrodden man is subjected by the so-called weaker sex! Shall these things be P Shall wo cot, my friends, form a ' Man's Emancipition Society,' and free ourselves from the fetters that gall our limbs? Poor Julius ! What can he hope to do m London drawing-rooms with his poor gouty feet, his awkward duck -waddle, his peculiar head, and short body ! Just imagine the hon Lady Sumpumpkins tumiug up ber, aristocratic nose and exclaiming, 'That an Agent General ! Whatever do you mean, Canarvon, by bringing such frights here? Are you going to turn the Colouial office into a menagerie.' Bub if Julius only gets a chance with his tongue he may perhaps make headway. Julius was a great ladies' man m the days gone by, and his persuasive eloquence would turn the heart of the strongest minded duchess. If Julius can get into a dark corner where his defects won't be noticed' and get a fair chance to wire m, he'll talk 'em all over, and get himself appointed Chancellor of the Exchequer. Flying Kites. I was lately reading all about the singular customs of the almond eyed celestials of the Flowery Land. I read that ' when the time comes round for the Chinese to observe their annual national custom of of kite flying, the Mongolians, as far as circmstances will permit, pay all due respect to the ancient custom.' If simalaraty of oustoms is a proof of common origin then the Chinese and the Caucasain races mu9t have sprang from the same stock. It would astonish ye natives to behold the veneration that is paid to the custom of kite flying m the colonies. It is not an annual festival, but we keep it up all the year round, and men are often seen engaged at it m the street. Then I read that 'm Chinese dwellings ingeniously constructed kiteß may be seen ready for.nse.' The children of the FloweryJLand are ingenious enough to be sure, but they can't hold a fan jo our folks for the number and variety ot our kites, and as to the honses for 'em 'there is scarcely a township m New Zealand of any pretension where there is not an establishment for the business. The account goes on to Bay, ' then there are immen/re kites consisting of a number of smaller oneß, 1 and ' remarkable skill is exhibited m the construction of theHe articles,' and 'the laws are made to regulate the custom.' How wonderfully applicable to ourselves. Finally we a^e told that kite flying i 3 practising with the object of averting misfortune from

one's self or family,' and here again the parallel is completed. Literal iNTanPBBTA'iiON.

I may tell you without betraying conndojice, that there was lately m New Zealand a minister with a temper In tatf, iob toiput too fine a point on it, whenever anything went wrong m his department there 1 was. the very devil to ? a i y * c . , was tr »velling m the South island with bis secretary, who, was just that kind of man that would hardly move a muscle were the vthola universe to dissolve and melt away into its constituent[ gases. The great point about that secretary was impurturballe gravity, lie was never known to amile but once m forty j'ears and that wa3 when he was a baby and wan not able to control his feelings, WeU, the minister wcs at Otago he sent for his secretary and told him to pack up the blue books and things and go on to Canterbury and await his arrival. • But how am Ito go,' said the secretary with h ; s customary gravity, there!s no steamer, and the railway only goes as far as the Taieti. , Now the minister was m one of his nice tempers, and without thinking of consequences he replied 'go I walk if you like j how can I r find time to attend to such things?' Then that secretary with a sorrowful heart set out on a weary journey, of several hundreds of mile 3. The minister reached Christchurch and wondered what had become of his secretary. Weeks flew on and he didn't turnup. It was feared that ho had committted suicide, or -run away and pjwried the blue books and gone on a big spree. But a month afterwards . when the minister had returned to Wellington he received _ a telegram from h in secretary announcing his arrival at Christchurch by the overland routey and'askini for further orders. lie had been told to •walk if he liked,' ac d. he hid 'liked,' and of cotirae there were such things as ♦travelling expenses.' fact, I assure, you A BIESSINGIN DkGTJIsE. It'a not always- a misfortune to a man ; for liis wife to run away. I think I know a few husbands that would reconoile themselves to a lonely desertion. But there is a man m Auckland whose better half went away one day m a huff to her mother, and dint come back for several weeks. The man wasn't troubled about her abseiiae. That wasn't what ailed him at all. But be missed a nice cheque for £50 odd, which bad been paid to him a few days before his spouse levantocV He grieved over that chequs more, than he could have grieved over as-many wives asßrigham Young is bleasedv'withal. Now the wife, after she had poured her sorrows into the sympathising ear of her maternal parient, and received the usual sagacious instructions as to how to manage 'im m future, (as she, the respected parient al'ays did manage her dear John, as were as good a 'usband as ever stepped, though he were a leetle given to ilririk, rest his fou!,) relented as is the way of vmes m general, went home, like Niobe, all tears, and was forgiven. But what about that confounded clique? Why tbere it wns safely stowed m the pocket of a pair of his trousers that she had taken away. Now, therein lies the most profound r>y mysterious part of thelbusiness. What on earth did that honest womin wart with a pair of masculine unmentionables ? Did she regard them ag the insignia of authority, or as a material guarantee for her husbaud's good behaviour during her absence ? What was the mysterious motive that swayed thd mind of that ingenious female ? I offer the q uestion as a prize riddle, the lady who solves it to be presented with a one pound pair, and a two pound potato.