TOWN TALK.

Waikato Times, Volume X, Issue 720, 27 January 1877, Page 2

TOWN TALK.

(?BOM AK AUCKLAND CORRBBPONDEKTi) ] A VZW WAY O* ADVERTISING. I am not a scoffer at religion, but there are things nowadays at which any writer who desires to reform abuse* must oast a shaft. I. start with this preface, jtut to set myself right with your pious readers, : who I presume are legion. ' Indeed, loan

hardly understand how »ny community oould long coutinue to . lead your extremely moral paper without being piously edifittd. 1 s may juat add that.! feel a good deal laken that way nays; If. But, the story. Not a bundled miles from Auckland, there U a little oongre. nation who lately lost one of its number by the inexorable hand of death. On the following B»hba»h, after the ueual let-vice, they jipld 'ppe. of their posfe ■devotional meeting*, at which various members paid a pasting tribute to the an- mory of their departed brother. By -and by its oame to the turn of a chemist to testify to the many virtues <i the do* funot. fie cleared his throat for a great effort, and delivered himself ef the following :— " Bretheren, the diseased was a good man, a pious man, a holy man, « good customer < f mine. He never came to my shop without buying a bottle of my patent hair-restorer, price Is 6d, lar.er size 2s 6d, and up to the very hour of his death he bad as fine a head of hair <as I've ever seen on a man. Ah, my ■dear btethern, he was a good man, and 1 "Wish there was a few more like him.' I need not tell you how; the. sisters tittered, 4he brethren frowned, an^ the pastor rebuked that worldly-coinded dispenser of <Uugs and ohemlcaji ' " ' v " '_. .,'', \. , . TBUrrATIOK. ! .' ■■:■■■ „ .. ; ■ have b^)b oompiaining 6f the, Atevalenoe of peach-stealing, and no doubt it is a grkfeou* sin. i The frightful I spread of this crime in' modern times «upplie» a bumiUaiing proof of the deep •depravity <of tie age, and the degeneracy ■of the i«e»ent generation. When we recollect the days whan we were young, •my aged friends, the arcadian «implicity, 'the obild-Jike innooenoe, the Uuspeakable •bouesty oonsoi»ntioa*n«Bs that •oharMteristi4 our juvenile sports, w«twn up our eyetlin pious horror at the sinful•ness of the youth of ttie present day, who steal our ptara and peaches, cheat eacb«ther«t marhles, smoke tobaoco and ' ouss, and throw Yankee Grab f6r jam tarts. Me wonder that there is to be war in Turkey, that ««r Sunday Bobouls are deserted, tha* the Training Snip at Kohimarama is full, that the price of eases and bitches has rison a hundred per cent., and that the world is goiug to pot. But are we oot to blame for any of (his, my Christian friends |r Can we severally and collectively lay oar hands upon our hearts, *nd«>y that; we are entirely blameless) Can Mr ftwynne do to? Can any man. wbo produces 108 plums on a stiok 3S inches long make a solemn affidavit before Montgomery that be is not an accessory before the act, that he is not daily and hoacly ■ holding : mt irresMtable temptations to some poor »eak -child to make <e> descent upon that ilwk wee, apd take the dpwn>hill step that leads ttf 'tropical regions^ Alas4 my 3hri«tiao brethren, X iwt he >oannot. Khen grim old filucher. made, his first mtry into London, he exclaimed, in tones tt Cbrv«nt admiration, ' Fotstauf anda 1 rot aciy to sack 4' Bluoher in dead long . tgn, but the spirit that animated that >lundemng old Prussian «till breathes. I rverheard two shock- haired - barelegged agreed urobins, the. other day, •convers or in the friendly shelter of a heap of ' lockf. One was relating to another, how < bat be bad read in at Aaokland news- ' isper the wonderful ttory . of Gwynue's ' »lum-tree. i Quotihthe<etber< ; ' --■ 'Of long, Walker 4 yerjcan'.t have me, rim. 1 -. v '".. '--. ; ' • ■■■ • '

'I tell yer, Bill, as I seed it in the |>aper, an' it* true, strike me. up a gum iree if 'taint.' There was a long pausd. Then, fill maid nbruptly, # i say, Jim, Where's that Jthere place as they calls Hamillo.j/' 'Ob, 1 dunito, some'** they go by. 'train.' 1 1 siry, look ''ere, -drinv; can't we. till <the drivers as we're 1 brothers, -and want; 'to i°e our aick ■mother wot is a dy in' up ■in that there tpl»ce, ah' then git af ride I «on thriiilrr or in amcog where they stick it he coves' portmantys; or can't we jump •ou behind just as they're startin, in ccune they oau't whip behind on them ithlnas." ' Le's •gd'n pig some %ottdes, 'o sell i * fern, an' buy tickets.'. M say, -J>m, did you say a *wnderd % n tight plums onWrfy'siiek'T ' ' That's wot the paper said.' . 'I'm blcnred if it ain* « <omuion— •Golly 1 wouldn't 1 like to be there first. •Scishorsl' Then he got up, whistled, •threw a stone at * yellow <dog that was tsninrng around, and struck up, — ; "Ob, its my delight, of * shiny night'— The last words I heawi as I turned -away were, '.'' * ' "tGive us a dhaw, BUJ." 1 'Btrike me lucky, Jim, k I'm dead (broke. 1 ! *

P.S. Tell Gwy«ne to <ch»in* big fierce •dog under that .plain tree. -■• - ;thh,a. o. ■■ - . '''■■ ■ Tbe other day 1 read in an Auckland; journal that ' oonsiperable reductions are,, to be made in «be A*med Constabulary,' Is this •fact, Mr Headfcitter, and how's it to be done? Are they to bt put in a wangle »nd thus .reduced to the required-; •ize, or do the authorities intead to our* i itail their rations in order, to starve 'em <down to the reduced dimensions-? iPleaie, Mr Headbitter, let us know whether it is the •men themselves, or the p<sunun*ber of them that is about to fee re•duced, \ .. •. .•. •-; ■ ;■, •" ; TH1 N »O8» ABB THB LILLIBB. ... ■■ A man named William Bose has been •cutting a dash in lowai lately. He was. Hying at Gisborne, but pitied the be; irfglited condition of i Auckland, and came here to enlighten us- He enlighted L D Nathan and Co to the extent of £10, and another firm to the" value of about £800.' !&t> representing himself as the' agent of aGisborne firm, tbutis wa» found that in reality he represented no One tat him**' I «elf . He lived in magnificent style, fared ttUirptaously, and wove diamond ring's mpdstuds. For a geDtlemanly hit of wholesale' ♦windling there are few thing* tkat tend to much to win eouißdenoe and disarm, suspicion at diamonds. ' In his boats of •eunui he visited the fcotels of the city, and in one c& these, kept %y a former IVaikalo man, be was •desperately smitten witb the oharms of a tall fair H^be of -about SO summers, who bent's in her - wampum belt t&e scalps of many lovers , who bave fluttered for a brief moment on her web, and shared the fateef the venturesome Ayt to say nothing of* ■profusion of jewellery— the mementoes of ■boned loves, of. tender words; of sott * right, and all tbe moving fbases of the irand passion. Bill Bose fell down at Ihe feet of this white goddess and drank •champagne to check the ardour of his affections. Byand-by a little drive into tbe country— Ob, those little drives! What a lot have they to answer, for!— •was arranged, the sisters of tbe obarmer 4o accompany. The carriage m<m ordered •—a swell affair, with silver .mounted harheis, velvet eustiions, two. gneyvand •driver m frock coat and long-sleeved hat, «nd it drove to the appointed spot. Then the oriarmer and sisters appeared duly got up for the occasion, beautiful, fragile, mdth'like, all billowy gauze and gosamer, ' «heen of gold and gUmm'r et precious «tones, smiles and.inuwo. Oh I the bliss ■of that momeilt.f hen the smitten one appeared hi a bran new tall hat, and some of Poesenickie 1 * higu art habiliments, to tay nothing of the diamonds » nd * aiD Ihat would moor . the ..Pioneer. The •eUrtner inade I tosebud of tor moutl), bathed him in a sbovrer of emilai, and

ran him through and through with tender glances. Wasn't ir. lovely ! There was peeping from doors and windows, sudden stopping of men in the street, to glance at Paradise, sigh, and then pass on »>»dlj to their daily labours, and there were maty envious things said by the other women living around. Then the young man went and bold the silver mounted handle of the onrria^e door, the' fairies tripped out with their pull-backs just raised enough to display their pretty toes, and the mother came to the door and gave them her blessin? It was a lovely sight, a>>d it caused a red. haired woman over the way to send out for a bob's worth of gin, to drown the memory of the sunny days of her youth. Just then a tall m^n, appeared on the scene. He had m<steiiously emerged from some neighbouring right ,of way, In an t instant, joy ; was turned into mourning. The ladies soreamed, the old dowager oalled for her smelling salts, the driver chuckled, . and the tall man said to the young man from Qisborne, 'you'll have to come along o'. me!' 'Haw land who Bre you my fine fellow?' 'Deteotive Jeffrey at your service.' What boots it to tell the sorrowful end of that .erstwhile jo- ous soene^ the hyateiic-s, the tears,' and the. cusses t .The gentlemanly , detective said he had not the smallest desire to deprive the young man of his drive, and the two,, . j umped in and drove— not" to the couiitry-r-but .to the lock-up- I draw. a veil over the re«t of this sid scene. .' ' ',' '

■."• . ",'... .WAS' ttß DBUNK? ; J •';-.■' • . '.. . There havi bopn a' good manv define. tions of the precise stage at which imad; may be said to be de facto drunk. One philosopher defined it as when a man tries to get up agaiost the grouud; and a Scotchman recently in a law-court said he did not consider hirafelf fii' xintll he | could drink not a mutchkih iubre; I saw a man the other night who very much resembled that son of Caledonia stem and wild. He was ft man o' wars man, and .he waa reclining gracefully, itt a gutter, while a good Samaritan 'in the person of • shipmate was leaning over, him with a bottle of rum. ' Here Jack, you son of a sea-cooJr, condemn your visual . organs, hare, another,' said the GS. 'No Bill, it's no use, I tell you, I'm as full as a Boson's locker.' * Ah, now, Jack, just a leetie to right ship' ' Well, Bill, look ere, my hold's stowed full to the batches ; but I'll tell you what you can do^- throw it over me, I like the smell of it.' Was that man drunk ? ; 7 ;* ; ■■■! ■■"" :■' '■ ■>

ENTRIES FOR WAIKATO RACES FEBRUARY 7th AND Bth. : Waikato Tub* Cuna Harbwax. Mr Roche's, ... Nell Ml- Walter's ' .. Kingfisher Mr Walter's , ... Isaao Newton M r WalteV'» : ' ; '„„ , Hippocampus Mr Kdgar's " ' „. ' Don , Mr Owen MoGee's ' May Moon Mr Alwill's Clipper ri Hakshoap. Hurdlb Raci. MrPeaeookV ....Lottery ( Mr Bond's U. ; Eotip»e Mr Etik wood's ... Loafer Mr Edgar's ... Don Mr Edgar's ,„ .. Arrow, / MrKd/ar's ... laleman Mr Steven's ... Shamrock .. . Mr Rutherford'* „. , Tommy Dodd' Tkottino Rao. - Mr Graham's ti . . Fabny | Mr G KirkwoodV Nelly ■ MrWKerr'a ... Paddy ; - MrJßoon'B „. Happie Mr J Buck land's ... GG. 4yrs Mr Pearson's ... Minnie '.