The Obituary Writer.

Waikato Times, Volume X, Issue 697, 2 December 1876, Page 6 (Supplement)

The Obituary Writer.

A rathee unußual sensation has been excited in the village by the ' Morning Argus' within aday or two ; and while most of the readers of that wonderful sheet have thus been supplied with amusement, the soul of the editor has been filled with gloom and wrath and despair. Colonel Bangs recently determined to engage an assistant to take the place made vacant by the retirement of the eminent art-critic, Mr. Murphy, and he found in one of tho lower counties of the State, a person who appeared to him to be suitable. The name of the new man is Slimmer. He has often contributed to the ' Argus' verses of a distressing character, and I suppose Bangs must have become acquainted with him through the medium of tho correspondence thus begun. No one in the world but Bangs would ever have selected sueli a poet for an editorial position But Bangs is singular — he is exceptional. He never operates in accordance with any known lays, and he is more likely to do any given thing in such a fashion as no other person could' possibly have adopted I'qr the purpose. As the ' Argus' is also ' sui genoris,' perhaps Bangs does right to conduct it in a peculiar manner. B.ut he made a mistake when he employed Mr. Slimmer. The colonel, in his own small way, is tolerably shrewd. He had observed the disposition of persons who have been bareavtd of their relatives to give expression, to their feelings in Terse, and it occurred to him that it might be profitable to use Slimmer's poetical talent in such a way as to make the 'Argus'a very popular vehicle for the conveyance to the public of notices of deaths. That kind of intelligence, he well knew, is especially interesting to a very large class ot readers, and he believed that if he c^uld offer a gratutious verse to accompany the obituary paragraph, the Argus' would not only attract advertisements of that description from tie country •round about the village, but it would secure a much larger circulation. When Mr. Slimmer arrived, therefore, and entered upon the performance of his j duties, Colonel Bangs explained his theory to the poet, and suggested that whonevor a death notice reached the oflice, he should immediately write a rhyme or two which should express the sentiments most suitable to tho occasion* ' You understand, Mr. Slimmer,' said the Colonel, 'that when the death of an individual is announced, I want you. as it were, to cheer the members of the afflicted family with the resources of your noble art. I wish you to throw yourself, you mny say, into their situation, and to give them, f'r instance, a few lines about tho deceased, which will seem to be the expression of the emotion which agitates the breasts of the boreaved.' ' To lighten the gloom in a certain sense,' said Mr. Slimmer, 'and to—' 1 Precisely ,' exclaimed Colonel Bangs. 1 Lighten the gloom. Do not mourn over the departed, but rather tike » joyous

view of death, which, after all, Mr. Slimmer, is, as it were, but the entrance to a better life.' •Therefore, I wish you to touch the heart-strings of the afflicted with a tender hand, and to endeavour, f'r instance, to divert their minds from contemplation of the horrors of the tomb.' ' Refrain from despondency, I suppose, and left their thoughts to — ' ' Just so ! And at the samo time combine elevating sentiment with such practical information a^ you can obtain from the advertisement. Throw a glamour of poe<*y, f'r instance, over the commonplace details of the every-day life of the deceased. People are iond of minute descriptions. Some facts useful for this purpose may be obtained from the man who brings the notice to the office ; others you may perhaps be able to supply from your imagination ' ' I think I can do it first-rate,' said Mr. Slimmer, ' But, above all,' continued the colonel, 4 try always to take a bright view of the matter. Cause the sunshinp of smiles, as it were, to burst through the tempest of tears ; and if we don't make the ' Morning Argus' hum around this toTn, it will be quopr ' Mr Slimmer had charge of the editorial depirtment the next day, during the absence of Colonel Bangs in Wilmington. Throughout the afternoon and evumog death notices arrived ; and when one would reach Mr. Shmmer's desk, he wo aid lock the door, place the fingers of his left hand among his hair, and agonise until he succeeded in completing a verse that seemed to him to accord with his instructions. The next morning Mr. Slimmer proceeded calmly to the office for the purpose of embalming in sympathetic verse the memories of other departed ones. As he came near to the establishment heobserved a crowd of people m front of it, struggling to get into the door. Ascending some steps upon the other side of the stivet, he overlooked the crowd, and could ace within the office the clerks selliug paperas fast aa they could handle them, while the mob pushed and yelled in frantic efforts to obtain copies, the presses in the cellar meanwhile clanging furiously. Standing upon the curbstone in trout ot the office there was a long row of men, each of whom was engaged in reading the ' Morning Argus ' with an earnestness that Mr. Slimmer had never before »een displayed by the patrons of that sheet. The bard concluded that either his poetry had touched a sympathetic chord in the popular heart, or that an appalling disaster had occurred in some quarter ot the globe. I He went around to the back of the office, and ascended to tho editorial rooms. As he approached the sanctum, loud voices were heard within Mr. Slimmer determined to ascertain the cause before entering. He obtained a chair, and placing it by the side of tho door, he mounted and pcoped over the door through the transom. Thero sat Colonel Bangs, holding the 'Morning Argus' in both bands, while the fringe which grew iv a semicircle around the edge of his bald head stood straight out, until he seemed to resemble a gigantic gun-swab. Two or three persous stood in front of him in threatening attitudes. Slimmer heard one of them say; ' My name is McGlue, sir ! — William McGlue ! I am a brother of the late Alexander McGlue I picked up your paper this morning, and perceived in it an outrageous insult to my deceased relative, and £ have come around to demand, sir, \T hit you mean by tho following infamous language : < The death-angel iinote Alexandor McGlne And g»vo him protracted repose ; Ho wore a oheoked shirt and * Number Nine ■Shoe, And he had ft pink wart oa his noto. No doubt he is happier dwelling in space, Over there, oa the evergreen shore, iiis friends Are informed that his funeral takes placa Precisely at quarter-past four.' ' This is simply diabolical I My late brother had no wart on his nose, sir. He had upon his nose neither a pink wart, nor a greeq wart, nor a cream colored wart, nor a wart oP any other color It is a slander ! It is a gratuitous insult to my family, and l distinctly want you to say WiHT you ij:ea.n by such conduct p' • JJcally, sir,' said Ijangs, 'itis a mistake. This is the horrible work of a miscreant in whom I reposed perfect confidence. He shall be punished by my o«vn hand for this outrage. A pink wart ! Awful ! sir — awful ! The miserable scoundrel shall suffer for this — he shall, jndeed 1' 1 iloit could I know,' murmured Mr. Slimmer to the foreman, who with him was listening, ' that the corpse hadn't a pink wart ? I used to know a man named McGlue, and he had one, and I thought all the MoGlues had. This comes of irregularites in families.' ' And who,' said mother man, addressing the editor, ' authorised you to print this hideous stuff about my deceased son P Do you mean to say, Jiangs, that it was not with your authority that your low comedian inserted with my advertisement tho tollo wing scandalous burlesque? Listen to this : ' Willie hid a purple monkey climbing on ft yellow stick, And when he sucked the pirns all off it made him deathly sick ; Aud in hi* latest hours he. clasped th.-it m cm key in hia band, Aud bade goodbye to earth and went into a better land. • Oh ! no more he'll shoo; his sister with his little wooden gun ; And no more he'll twia* the puasy'a tail and mike her yowl, for fun. The pusay'a tail now stands out straight ; the gun is laid aside ; Tno monkey doesn't jump around since little Willie died.' 'The atrocious character of this libel will appear wheu 1 say that my son was twenty years old, and that he died of liver complaint,' ' infamous ! utttily infamous!' groaned tho editor, as he cast his eyes over the lines. 'And th •, retch who did this still remains unpunished ] It 'u too mucb!' 'And yet,' whispered Slimmer to the foreman, 'he told mejto lighten the gloom, and to cheer the afflicted family with the resources of ray art; and i cer aiuly thought thfltuWabmt the monkey wouM li'ivo that effect, somehow, Jjdii^s iv uncraifful !' Jusl i lion there was a knock at the door and a woman entered, crying,

• Aro you the editor ?' she inquired of Colonel Bangs. Bangs said he was. i * W-w-well 1' she said, in a voice broken by sobs, ' wh-what d'you mean by I publishing this kind of poetry about m-my child ? M-my name is SnvSmith ; and w-when I looked this m morning for the notice of Johnny's ddeath in your paper, I saw this scandalous verse : ' Four doctors tickled Johnny Smith— They blistered aud they bled him ; With equills and anti bilious pills And lpncac, they fed him. Thi-y stnrrd him up with calomel, Aud tried to move his liver ; But all ia vaia- hla little sonl Was wafted o'er The River.' ' It's false ! false ! and mean ! Johnny only bad one doctor. And they d-didn't bl-bleed him and b-blister him. It's a I wicked falsehood, and you're a hardhearted brute f-f-for printing it 1' ' ' Madam, I shall go cr«zy 1' exclaimed Bangs. ' This is not my work. It is the work of a villain whom i will slay with my own hand as soon as he comes in. Madam, the miserable outcast shall die J' ' Strange ! strange !' said Slimmer. ' And this man told me to combine elevating sentiment with practical information. If the information concerning the squills and ipecac, is not. practical, I have misunderstood the use of that word. And if you lg Smith didn't have four doctors, it was an outrage. He ought to have had them, and they ought to have excited his liver Thus it is that human life is sacrificed to carelessness.' At this juncture the sheriff entered, his brow clothed with thunder. He had a copy of the * Morning Argus' in his hand. He approached the editor, and pointing to a death-notice, said : ' Road that outrageous burlesque, and tell me the name of the writer, so that [ can chastise him.' Ttie editor read as follows : ' vVe have lost; our little Planner in a very painful ranuner, And we ofteu asked, How can her harsh sufferings be borne ? Wnea .or death first was reported, her *vat got up and snorted With the uridt that aha supported, for it wade her feel fotluru. She hw suoh a jrctle sor.iph chat her father, who ia sheriff, Really dosen'o seem to oare if ho ne'er smiles in life again. She bun gone, we hope fco heaven, at the early a»e of seven (Funeral starts off at eleven), where she'll nevermore have pain ' lAs in consequence of this, I withdraw all the county advertising from your paper. A man who -could trifle in this manner with the foelings of a parent is a savage and a -scoundrel I' As the sheriff went out, Colonel Bangs placed his head upon the table, and groaned. ' Really,' Mr. Slimmer said, « that person must be deranged. I tried, in his case, to put myself in his place, and to write as if I was one of the family, according to instructions. The verges are beautiful. That allusion to the grief of the aunt, particularly, seemed to me to be wry happy. It expresses violent emotion with a felicitous combination of sweetness and force. These people have no soul— no appreciation of the beautiful in art.' Whilo the poc«fc mused, hurried steps were heard upon tho stairs, and in a moment a middle aged man dashed in abruptly, aud seizing the C ilonel's v t- Patered hair bumped his prostrate houd against the table three or four times with considerable force. Having expended the violence of his emotion in this manner, he held tho editor's head down with ono hand, shaking it occasionally by way of emphasis, and with tho other hand seised the paper, and, snid i 1 You disgraceful old reprobate ! You disgusting Tampire! You hoary headed old ghoul ! What d'you mean by putting such stuff as this in your paper about my deceased son? What d'you mean by printing such awful doggerel at this, you depraved and dissolute ink-slinger — you imbecile quill-driver, you : II Oh ! buiy Bartholomew out in the wood* Ia a beautiful hole jo. the ground, Wheio the bumble h.eea buzz and tho woodpeckers sing Aad the straddle bugs tumble around ; So that, in winter, when the buow an 4 the slush Hive oavered his laot little bed, His brother Artemas can go out with Jane \nd visit the place with hu »led ' ' I'll teach you to talk about straddlebugs ! I'll instruct you about slush J I'll enlighten your insane old intellect on the subject of singing woodpeckprs ! WliHt «lo you know about Jano and Artema-t. you wretched buccaneer, you despicable bu«cher of tho English language ? Go out with a sled! I'll carry you out in a hearse before I'm donw with you, you deplorable lunatic I' At the end of every phrase, the visitor gave the editor's head a fresh knock against the table When the exercise was ended, Colonel Bangs explained, and apologised in the humblest manner, promising at the same time to give his assailant a chance to flog Mr. Slimmer, who yeas expected to arrive in a few moments. 1 The treachery of this man,' mu.riau.yed the poet to the foreman, •ia dreadful. Uidn t he desire mo to throw a glamour of poesy orer coinmonplaoe details? But fo- tint I should never haro I bought of alluding to woodpeckers and bugs aD d othpr children of Nature. The man objects to the remarks about tho sled Can the idiot know that it was necessary to have a rhyme for ' bed I" Can he sup pose that I could writo poetry without rhymes? The man is a lunatic! He ought not to be at largo !' Hardly had tho indignant aud energetic parent of Bartholomew departed, when a man with red hair and a ferocious glanin his oyes entered, carrying a club, and accompanied by a savage-looking dog 'I want to see tho editor,' lie shouted. Aglnstly pallor overspread the Colonels face, and lie said. ' The editor is not in.' 1 Well, when will he be in, then ?' •Not for a week— for a month — for : year — for ever! He will never come ii uny more !' screamed Ban^s. 'Holm gone to South America, vnih thcintentioi. to remain there during the rest of his l,fe Hehas departed. Hehdsfl>d. if you wan' to sec him. you had better follow him to tin eqnitor Ho will he »lrl to ■.■> y,->u I '^■•l «■■•!• - 'i, , ,i l,i, ..I, ...u'it thuex' U>ii.--i -\i, t, -ji umc ■ i'iial >s uaturtuuaLo,' sud iho man 1 1 came all the way from Delaware City

for the purpose of battering him up a lot, with this club.' 1 He will be sorry,' said Bangs, sarcastically. 'He will regret missing you. I will write to him, and mention that you dropped in.' ' My name is MeFadden,' said the man ' I came to brake the head of the man who wrote that obituary poetry about my wife. If you don't tell me who prepetrated , the following, I will break yours for you. Where's the man who wrote this ? Pay attention :—: — 1 Mrs. MeFadden has gone from this life ; \ She lias left all its sorrows and cares ; 1 ISho caught the rheumatics in both of her legs, While scrubbing the celler, and stairs. They pat mustard-plasters upon her in vain ; They bithed her with whisky aud rum ; Bat Thursday her spirit depai ted aud left her body entirely numb.' 'The man who held the late Mrs. MeFadden up to the scorn of an unsympathetic world in that shocking manner,' said the editor, 'is earned James B. Slimmer. He boards m Blank-street, fourth door from the corner. I would advise you to call on him and avenge Mrs. McFadden's wrongs with an intermixture of club and dog- bites ' I ' And this,' sighed tho poet, outside the door, 'is the man who told me to divert McFadden's mind from contemplation of the horrors of the tomb It was this monster who counselled me to make the "unshine of McFadden's smiles burst through the tempest ol MeFadden's tears. If that red-headed monster couldn't smile over that allusion to whisky and rum, if those remarks about the rheumatism in her legs could not divert his mind from the horrors of the tomb, was it my fault P McF<\dden grovels ! He knows no more about poetry than a mule kaows about the Shorter Catechism ' The poet determined to leave before any more criticisms were made upon his performances. He jumped down from his chair, and crept soitly towards the back staircase. The story told by the foreman relates that Colonel Bangs at the same instant resolved to escape any turtliur persecution, au«l he moved oil" in the direction taken oy the poet. The two met upon the landing, and the Colonel was about to quarrel with Slimmer, when an enraged old woman who had been groping her way upstairs suddenly plunged her umoerella at Bangs, and held him m a corner while she handed a copy of the * Argus' to Slimmer, and pointing to a certain stanza, asked him to read it aloud. He did so with aso newhal tremulous voice, and with frightened glances at the enraged Colonel. Tho verse was as follows :—: — ' Little Alexander's dead ; J*m him in a coffin ; Dou'fc have as good » chance For a fun'r»l often. Rush his body right around To the ceinottry ; Drop him in the sepulchre With his Uncle Jerry.' The Colonel's assaihiut accompanied the recitation with suoh energetic remarks as thiso : ' Oh, you willj%J D'you hear that, you wretch <? What d'you mean by wntio of my grandson in th it way p Take that you serpml ! Oh, you wiper, you I tryin 5 tv break a love wtdder's heart with such scand'lous lies as them ! There you willin .' I khnmere to hammer you well with this here umbreller, you o wdaeious wiper you! Take that, aud that, you wile' indecent, dis«ustm' wagabone ! When you knew well enough that Aleck never had no UucleTftrrj, aud never had no uucle in no sepulchre anyhow, you wile wretch, you ! When Mr. Slimmer had concluded his portion of the entertainment, he left the j Colonel in the hands of the enemy and fled. He has not been seen in New Castle since that day. and it is supposed that he has returned to Sussex County for tho purpose of continuing in private his dillmnce with tho Muses. Colonel Bangs appears to have abandoned the idea of establishing a depai tment of obituary poetry, and the Argus has resumed its accustomed aspect of dreariness. It may fairly boast, however, that once during its oareor it has produced a profound impression upon tho community — [Max Adeler.

Aq expensive wife makes a pensive husband.