"SNYDER" ECONOMISES AND ORDERS A FIVE GALLON KEG OF BEER.

Waikato Times, Volume X, Issue 585, 19 February 1876, Page 1 (Supplement)

"SNYDER" ECONOMISES AND ORDERS A FIVE GALLON KEG OF BEER.

It hnppened a fortnight back, and the events which then transpired arc as fresh, in my mind as if they had occurred since breakfast time in the morning on which I pon these remembrances. A jovial brewer ineots me near to the enclosure of his establishment, when he says, " Mr Snyder, will you sample our last manufacture^" and I said 1 would. Then he couveyed mo into a cool-colltir, and in connection with a half-pint crystal goblet I sampled tlto beer, and pronounced it bright, clear, sparkling, crisp, pleasant of flavour, and possessing powers of imparting internal warmth in combination with solace of mind, I said all this upon the first trial, and gave the same opinion with variations at the second. The brewer said, '' Try a five-gallon keg stationed in your own homestead." I said sixpenn'orth of beer fresh from an adjoining hotel answered all ray purpose, and bad answered the purpose « rather better to the tight little woman who used to fetch it for me in a jug carefully concealed in a wicker basket, for her ways had beeu so captivating- that the landlord had proposed to marry her, and she married him. But the brower 'declared I should uevrc repent it if L tried a -five-gal lon keg lv would- always, he said, bo-aCmy eGuinurid at any honrci 1 the day or -night <■! shtmHl foyl n confidence in the undertaking. There would be an ■ independence of feeling m connection with tho transaction. T woi.l<! have the 'satisfaction of knowing it was all there when wanted. " You could look defiant at tho police, Mr fcsnyder, when Sunday ctwne round. You .might hold up a glass before hia very nose, and ask hiru wouldn't ho like to know where I got it from. -Besides," said tho brewer, " look what- a saving it is in point of economy." Then I said to that brower, "Your powers aro persuasive. Send mo five gallons equal to s imple." And it was so. When the cask came I desired tho female of my household to draw me as much as would satisfy the thirst of a salt-fish breakfast , but sho informed me it couldn't b> douo without n tap. Then I said, "<iot a tap ;" and she got one in something over two hours. It amounted to threc-o-nd-sixpense. I called in a friend to advise mo how the tap should bo inserted, and he said pointing to a hole near the bottom of the cask with a cork in it, " Tako the tap and place it against tho cork, then take the hammer and knock at the tap." I did this while my friend and tho female of the household looked on interested. The tap went in without much effort on tho part of the hammer, but it was followed with a gush of beer which distributed itself in about tho most impartial manner it is possible to conceive over my shirt-front, over my friend's face, and the face and neck-frill of the female of the household. Some portion went on to tho wall, and another portion landed itself on the carpet. I said we would take our revenge out of that beer to the extent of three tumblers, and I told all hands to stand by for a gush, as I was about to turn on the tap. But when 1 turned it on, after leaking out the mattor of two wine-glasses, it caved in, and refused a further supply. ' I said, " What does this mystery mean 1 Can it be that the beer is so weak that it is deficient in strength to run?" And Pwent out and asked a neighbour to explain, * Ho lookod

for the matter of five minutes, and then told ino 7 must spoil the caslc. . I said I should liko to spoil the i»side to the oxtent of about a pint of beor ; but I did not want to do any malicious injury to the cask. The neighbour said I misunderstood him : the cask must have a spiie hole to let in the wind. I aeked him how that was to be done, and he said I must get a gimlet. I said I hadu't got one. He said I could get one for ninepeuce. So I sent out the woman of my household, and she brought back a patent one which she stated came to • sixteenpence. This brought the cost of getting at three glasses of beer to four-and-four pence. For the first go off I think J never saw so much froth in connection with so little beer in any part of the •world I have travelled under or over. The foam rose above the tumbler and formed a cauliflower of huge size and elegant proportions, while not more than half-an-inch of th© amber liquid' remained on deposit iv the .glass. But with a succession of efforts we did get the beer, aud I felt proud io think what things patience and perseverance will accomplish in this sublunary'sphere. All 'through that day I experimented on the tap to ascertain whether it fulfilled the expectations which I had -formed of it, and found them more than realised. I tried that tap the last thing before turning in at night, and went to bed comfortotl I^jaid, " I owe a debt of gratitude to that brow Pr altogether independently of owing him for the bo^r. If I should mis 3 coming up to time in tho latter I certainly should not as concerning the former." Then I fell into a sweet slumber, from which I was aroused soon after day-break by a gentlo rapping at my door. I said, "Come in," when the female of my household entered, and in a sort of satirical vein asked ire whether I knew were the beer was. I said, " Sus.m, the beer, except the two gallons consumed yesterJay, is in the cast, and I don't miud, no»v I come -to think of it^ if you do bring me in a glass with not too much froth on it." " Sir," said the woman of my household, " the beer has departed from the cask and is playing about tho floor." Either the strength of the beer had forced its way through the tap, or I hud upon my last application omitted to shut it off. I arose with feelings more easily conceived than described, and there I beheld with a saddened gaze the liquid spreading itself under tho influonce of a gentle breeze coming through tho kitchen door with a beautiful evenness over tho floor. It sought out crevices and trickled down them. It made for a knot-holo in one of the flooring boards, and went dovrn while describing circles round it. Portions were making for the back-yard, and parts of it travelled in the direction of the coaUbox. Jjater in the day T interviewed the brewer, and he laughed a laugh which riled me considerably. He said it was my earliesyittempt. I was like a mother with MKr first baby, just a little awkward about the matter. The next effort on my part would be crowned with a success which would entitle me to my own> congratulations. He would scad for the keg and have it replenished. • I hadn't the courago at the moment to say, " Don't do anything of the kind,"- for at the moment he was operating on my behalf at a hogshead into a crystal goblet. The keg came home again. > This time the tap worked to , perfection, ilt didn't miss fire once. I delighted to show my friends what an

economical arrangement I had entered into. And they all declared that nothing could be finer. It was on the third afternoon the tap ipfused to yield its liquid treasure. I thought I had't taken the peg out cf the lir-hole, but I had. I thought then the bops might have got into the tap, and J blew up the spout until warm air was felt to be coming out through the spile Then it was I discovered the cask didn't hold any contents. The operations of trying that tap had been too much and too heavy for it ta stand against. I got an arithmetic book, and making every allowance for omissions, T ascertained that erery half-pint of -beer ' I had consumed on ray- own account stood me in one and fourpence ha'penny. -Afterwards I found it stood me eighteen pence ; for when the bill was delivered ai a later day I ascertained six shillings was charged for the cask. I complained -of this to< the brewer, I said casks wasn't beer. The brewer said when I sent the cask back he would return the six shillings. I went back homo to give instructions, and found that the female of my household had knocked the head in and converted it into a kitchen coal-skuttle. I think a problem in political and domestic economy might be worked up out of this touching 1 narrative.