A Life's Regret.

Waikato Times, Volume X, Issue 567, 8 January 1876, Page 1 (Supplement)

A Life's Regret.

I am the youngest of three sister* — Margaret, Louisa and Helen, the last named bring of conrse myself. We reside in a small villa on the ontukirts of the town of Norton-Folgate, and from all appearances are likely fo remoin for the rest of our lives pnrsuing what strangers would suppose was the culm and even tenor of a colorless existence. Our income, though small, admits of our keeping two domestics, and when we pay visi'ii. which at rnro internals we do. to some of the country families, we jointly subscribe and charter a close enrrincre, which enables us to mnlco our calls with something like diirnif v. Not that my two older sisters are Inciting in that respecf, for they never, eifhnr sl?eping or walking, I believe, forgot that, our lato father wk'a descended from an nncient and honorable family, and thnt the nnmr of Howard, which we bear, is derived from a source which, even thoiurh it dors not acknowledge us, i« ours justly ; »nd on tho tree which testifies to our pedgreeortr r -lnt ionship is clearly tot forth. Our late rnoOirr could also boast of gentle blood, so t*in» m both sides of tho house our connect <uus were undeninble. 1 Ti addition to those advantages, n?tnhnd not been unkind to us— indeed, in r -". younger days we had our own stum' r f admiration, and the three Misses Howa^V had on many occasions been pronounced tho best looking girls at the numerous b'llln which, chaporoncd by our mother, we used regularlytoattend. Our admirer* were not few, and we were always engaged for every danco whenever wo went ; but thore to all appearance it ended, for, aftermore seosona than I care to record, none of us were married. Plainor girls, by far, even penniless ones, in due time made their appearance, had an interval ofgayety. and then announced their engagements, which only ended in marriage; and they would return in all tho dignity of matronhood to patronise and remind us in more way* than one of the wide gulf that separated our unappropriated selves from them and Mieir ' position' as married womeß. At first it was not so galling, bnt by-and-by I began to feel it keenly, and to long— as every woman doe 3 sooner or later — for ties ot my own ; but my longings were not tobe gratified, for the one hateful reason that no ordinary man was supposed to be good enough to mate with 'aHowaid,' though one degenorato descendant dared to wish it could bo otherwise. By degrees it became known that we were hard to please, and though it was true enough of Margaret and Louisa, still I felt no differently from them on tho subject, that it was rathor hard to bo included ' but I was ' a Howard,' and so had to pay for my privilege. Margaret was seven yetri my senior, and Louisa five, consequently I wu accustomed to being considered quit<- * child until I had attained the ripe me <rf twenty-five, when an event h append, which, but for my precious pedigree, miffjw have changed the color of my whole «*«• tence. 1 Wo had received invitations to ftjßall given by a certain lady Aylnser, pthto always made a pomt of asking us if her entertainments; and though I w#i beginning to be Tory weary of gayetio'» to decline was out of the question ; so,\*fte* some deliberation as to attire, etc., a& aoceptation was sent ; and when Lhe evening | arrived, we, accompanied by our mo^or, I crushed ourselves into a hired carriafc* 1 * 1 and set out for Aylmers Court. >J We were received as usual, moil* cordially; and after a few dances wera over, I became conscious of the presence of a gentleman who teemed to regard* me with some interest. Ho was a veryl nico-lookmg man of about thirty, rather I fair, and with a small mustache 'lightly inclining to red. He was not tall, neilW was ho very short ; his figure was Rood, and ho had a soldier-like look about him which I rathor admired. As usual I was well supplied with partnors ; but when Lady Aylraer approached with the individual I have just described, and introduced him to me, I was very glad I tad a sparo dance still left, for which ho at once engaged me, I did not catch his name when Lady Aylmer brought him up, and when my eldest sister inquired who my new acquaintance was. I could only say he wa< a Captain Somebody; I fannied Bruce was liia name. 'A good name,' remarked Margaret: ' I daresay he is a relative of Lord Bruce.' But I was doomed to undeceive her shortly, for on addressing him at Captain Bruco he smiled and told me that wai not his name — his name being Bebb. Bobb. I thought— what a funny namo! However this did not prevent me thinking him vory plt-asanl, and being secretly glad when ho told me ho was going to bo quartered ut Norton- Polgate for sorao months to come. To bo briof— after several m eatings, Captain Bebb, whose namo haf now transpired in my family, began to fay me marked attention ; but, although kn my inmost heart I hked him, still I was well awaro that for ' a Howard ' to ally herself with a Bebb, would bo regarded ai an impossibility by my family. ..' His personal appearance was stigmatized as tho most vulgar that had ever been seen; his h a i r , which was really brown, was always alluded to as carroti ; and a shuddering fit frequently overtook Louisa as <-he described the horror she had eiperioncod when, on one fatal OC0 J M^ Q '? e htd ihaken hands * ith hw » and hu hot, clammy claip had almcit men her a fit.

Perhaps owing to this, his nomo degenerated from Bebb into Blubber, nnd several limes my mother herself narrowly escaped addressing nim as such, «o persistenuy was he called it behind hi 3 back. A dca<l pit; having been found one morning in the sty, 1 was strondy advNe<l to go down to see the likeness, which from my partiality for Blubber, my sister felt sure would be interesting to me. I am ashamed to confess that I had not the moral courage to refute these uncalled-for calumnies ; these incessant cruel taunts were enough for me; and when I did receive a proposal of marriage from Captain Bnbb, my answer may be imagined. I refused him, and cried myself to ileep for many nights after- 1 wards. _ i But the deed was done, and Captain Bebb was not the one to ask again, and I heard soon afterwards that he liad left Norton-Folgatc, j Very little was thought of the affair in my own family, and of the general opinion ' lam of course unable to speak. The idea that I, ' a Howard,' had been asked | to become Nelly Bebb, or Nelly Blubber, sometimes elicited would-be witty remarki from my sisters ; but by degrees Captain Bebb "came to be totally forgotten by every one except myself. Meanwhile, we did not grow younger as the years rolled quickly on, and as they went I became more and more conscious of the error I had made in rejecting » man whom I felt I could have lored and respected, simply because he was ridiculed by my sisters and bore tiie unamtocratic name of Bebb. Seven years had passed away — still wo were 'going out to parties; 1 I, unwillingly, but my sisters more persistently than ever. But, alas! times had changed for us ; partners wero no longer plentiful, and we were obliged to be thankful to the' few who asked us to dance, or offered to eseoH us to supper, and who were, generally speaking, mere boys, whose nursery days seemed like yesterday. However, rather than return home without having danced at all, I was indeed glad to take a turn with them. But on one particular occasion, at a ball in the Asseojbly rooms, even the boys failed us, and the threo Misses Howard wore standing together in a most palpable family group, when the entrance of a large party gave \is some momentary diverlion. J It w*9 ,tho Aylmers Court party — vffd ajHl Lady Aylmer, two or three Hswagt-Vs, a bevy of bright-eyed, pretty Kris and several gentlemen. Amongst latter who should I recognise but my old friend and rejected admirer, Captain r Bebb. He was looking remarkably well — happy and handsome ; no resemblance to la pig was possible now, surely, and for an fcstant a wild hope shot through my poor Bfeart that he might see and speak to me again. He did see, but instinctively I felt ho hardly recognised me. Seven years had not improved me— with a bitter pang I felt that. He bowed and passed on with a young and pretty girl leaning on his arm. Oh ! the mortifi cation of that evening — the weary, desperate longing 1 had to hide myself somewhere; but there I stood, a faded ' wall-flower,' youthfully attired in white tarletane and blue satin ribbons, unnoticed, neglected and. what I felt far more, uncared for. r _ Whether he meant it or not, I could not tell, but ho seemed to be perpetually passing where I stood. At last my siiters consented to go home, and Margaret having secured the arm of a weak-minded little curate, who offered his other arm to my mother, the three walked slowly acrois the ball room, followed by Louisa — proud, erect, and indignant, at the want |kf appreciation she had met with — and Hnrielf, with downcast eyes and a burning R;e. The cloak-room seemed a haven to Ke, hut the drive home was comparative Bliss, tVhough it w*s embittered by Remarks from my listers on the reappearance of Captain or, as he was now, Co'onel Bebb, and the announcement dthat 'after all, Nelly might have done 'worse.' Yea, Nelly knew that now, as many another foolish girl or elderly young lady knows when it is too late ; and in my quiet corner a few heavy tears dropped ■ilenJyupoj my crimson shawl, when I remtmberecTviow I had allowed myself to i^ifluencad by ridicule to reject what I JHsure would have secured the hapOf EQy life. our/ball days ended at last, for our d/ed, and after that Margaret and fijbre up the gay world, and devoted to mothers' meetings, Bible and various other laudable to the great satisfaction of 1 have before mentioned. We in our little villa, and are confirmed maiden ladies, withto make us care for life, beyond colorless routine which miikes Bach day twin image of the past.' Jo nee a year we go for a m^nth to the ■eaude, and during our last 'isit there I fbecflino much interested in some children 'who, accompanied by their nurse, used to make their appearance at an early hour every morning on the sands. I was so fond of children that I soon mado their acquaintance. Little Amy was four, and the elder girl about a year older, while there was a boy of two — Master Charley, ai his nurse called him. It never occurred to me to ask what thoir surname m as, though they became quite confidential as to their small affairs generally. Papa and mannna were in London, but they were coming down soon ; and at home they had all sort* of possessions, from ponies and a tiny little basket-carriage, downwardt. Would I like to see them P But what was my name if I did coma P • Helen.' 1 answered, ' but they call me EFelly at home.' ' That's my name,' exclaimed the elder child. ' But what is your other name ?' 'Nelly Howard,' I replied, much amused at her pertinacity. • Mine's Nelly Bebb. My papa is Col Bobb, and vte's got a Victoria Cross and lots <>f meows.' ' Your paja !' I answered, staggered at her announcement, which I found was indeed what I instantly supposed. They wrre the children of my rejected admiror, Captain Bebb. The little group on the sands had a itrange fascination for me, after I knew it, and furtively I conveyed many little gifts to the children. But our prescribed month was now over, and though the wtAthtr wm •ftouintiaft, our rulti won

those of tho Modes nnd Persians— go homo we nuis-t. So we wont; -nd my Li.'t glimpse, as we drove to the stotion, of my three little friends- a joyous trio, with Colonel Ecbb, a shade slourei than of oUi, but looking brm zed hiv' jovial ; whilst beside him stood n Inighr-iaci-'i, pretty lit tie woman, who Jim] accepted the luippy fate which 1, in my senseless girlhood, had declined. But it is over — regrets are vain, nnd though my heart feels young still, I am fast fading into old age now. My experience recorded here may mnlco another wise, for out of the depths of my bitter disnppointment I have writ'en tho nhort story of my mistaken existence. For though doubtless there are many happy old maids, woman was not made to live a single life. Homo ties, family cares, troubles and anxieties may be her lot ; but if she is loved, and if fche feels herself the centre of a little kingdom — poor, perhaps, but precious — she has joys to balance the cares, love to smooth over the troubles, and a strong man to shield her from danger. With that around hea she is a tower of strength aho possesses that which makes life's bitters sweet ; nor can sho over have to record what I, the poor, neglected old mnid, do here, the history of a Life's Itegret. — Chamber r \ Journal.