HUMORIST.

Waipukurau Press, Issue 310, 19 September 1908, Page 7

HUMORIST.

Grandfather: “Well, Paul, what would you like me to give you for a birthday present ? ” Paul: “Oh, grandfather, buy me a telephone, so that I can answer the master’s questions without having to go to school.”

The arrival of twins to her mother was told to Ethel, the ten-year-old daughter. “Oh, dear!” said the little girl, “ mamma has been getting bargains again.”

“ You say you can earn more money by vour pen than you did a year ago.” “I do.”. “How’s that ?” “ I stopped writing stories and began addressing envelopes.”

“ What, with all your debts you have bought a motor car ? •“ That’s precisely why I bought it. I had to have some way of escaping my creditors.”

Lady : “ You are the sixth man who has asked me for something to eat to-day.” Tramp: “I s’pose so. If the competition gets any wuss, some of us’ll have to go to work.”

He : “ Mary, the milliner’s bill is unusually large. I thought we had decided to be economical ? ” She: “ And we have been. Haven’t you given up smoking and horse-racing, and the club ?

He (resolutely) : Now, Maria, we must talk seriously to your father about our engagement, and make him toe the mark. She (nervously) : Yes, dear, but I’m afraid you’ll be the mark.

“ Mr Binks,” said Mr Peters, shaking the young man warmly by the hand, “ let me tell you that vou are a man after my own heart.” “ Oh, no, sir,” protested the blushing suitor;. I’m after your daughter’s ”

“ Now,” said the voluble salesman, “ here’s a piece of goods that speaks for itself.” “All right,” interrupted the weary buyer, “ suppose you keep quiet for a couple of minutes and give it a chance.”

“ Did you tell your master that I helped you with your French exercise, Sydney ?” “Yes, father.” £ ‘ And what did he say?” “He said he wouldn’t keep me in today because it didn’t seem fair that I should suffer for your ignorance.”

Mrs Younghusband: “Do you notice any difference in the milk, dear ?” Mr Younghusband : “ I should say so. This is a much better quality than we have been getting lately.” Mrs Younghusband : “ I will tell you why it is. I got it off a new man who said he would guarantee it to be peifectly pure ; so I bought enough to last for two weeks.”

Papa enters sitting-room and discovers daughter and young Robinson seated on the sofa side by side. “ Ah, Mr Robinson,” remarked he, affably, “ you are a great athlete, aren’t you ?” “Oh,” said Robinson modestly, “I’ve done a little in that line. What made you think it?” “You show such marvellous staying power, you see,” remarked the old gentleman with a glance at the timepiece. Robinson went.

First Office Boy: I told the covernor to look at the - dark circles, under my eyes and see if I didn’t want a half day off. Second Office Boy : What did lie say? First Office Boy: He said I needed half a bar of soap. The careful housewife was not getting any eggs from her hens, tf , and having heard that pepper was * a good thing, decided to put it to the test, and confided to her husband her intention. The pepper worked like a charm, for eggs at once became plentiful, the nests yielding a harvest each day. The housewife good-naturedly told her neighbours of the benefits to be obtained from pepper. But one day by some mischance a duck egg got into one of the nests. Then inquiries were made, and it was found that the husband had had a box of eggs sent to him each week! The conversation that took place when the husband reached home that evening is not recorded, but it -is understood that the housewife has given up lecturing .on the virtues of pepper.