HUMORIST.

Waipukurau Press, Issue 307, 12 September 1908, Page 2

HUMORIST.

Ethel : “ I understand it was a case of love at first sight between Jack and Miss Oldgirl.” Maud : “ Yes, dear, but the first sight was at her bank book.”

“ What is the charge ?” inquired a magistrate. “ Attempted suicide, your Worship,” answered a stalwart constable. “ How was that ?” “ Prisoner wanted to fight me, your Worship ! ”

Pat: “So ye be insured ?” Mike : “Oi be. They are to pay a hundred pounds upon me decease.” Pat: “ Well, here’s hopin’ ye”ll live long enough to git th’ money.”

Teacher : “ What is a skeleton ? Can any of you tell me, children?” Small Tot: “ Peathe, mith, it’s a man without any meat on it.”

A little boy, being asked if he was the oldest in the family,. replied: “No, mum—my granny is?”

Teacher: “Jimmy, in the sentence, ‘the fire is low —make it burn,’ what punctuation is needed?” Practical pupil: “C010n..”

Teacher: “Define gentleman.” Scholar: “ A gentleman is a grown up boy who used to mind his mother.”

Mamma: “ Now, Teddy, we must all try to give up something while times are so hard.” Teddy : “ I’m willing.” “ Mamma : “ What will it be, dear?” Teddy: “Soap.”

He: “What month is it in which it is unlucky to be married ?” She : “ Goodness me, what a poor memory you have ! We were married in June.”

“Tommy, who was Joan of Arc?” asked the teacher. “Noah’s wife,” said Tommy, who is great at guessing.

“Now, gentlemen,” said the professor, “ name some of the beauties of education !” And a facetious student in the back row shouted, “ Pretty school-teachers!”

An irate mother had her little son by the ear and held a menacing cane. “ I'll learn you to tie a kettle to the cat’s tail !” she exclaimed wrathfully. “It wasn’t our cat!” cried the frightened boy. “No, it wasn’t our cat,” rejoined the enraged mother, “ but it was our kettle !”

She: “ I see where a fellow married a girl on his death bed, just so she could have his millions when he was gone. Could you love a girl like that ?” He : “Where does she live ?”

Mistress (midnight) : “ I don’t intend to come downstairs at this hour of the night to let you in again.” New Girl (reassuringly) “You won’t have to, mum. One of my friends took an impression of your lock, and he’s making a nice key for me.”

“ I diagnose all sickness,” said the doctor. “ from the state of the patient’s eyes. Now your right eye tells me your heart is affected.” “Does it ? Dash it all, I think the man at the glass-eye shop might have sold me a decent one while he was about it. I know I paid enough,” w r as the annoyed reply.

Mistress: “ This water has a queer taste.” Careful Servant (who has heard much scientific conversation): “It’s all right, mum, there ain’t a live germ in it, mum; I run it through the sausage machine before I brought it in.

Inspector (to schoolgirl during examination) : “What is meant when it says, ‘ He was amply rewarded ’? ” Girl : “Paid for it.” Inspector : “ No, you don’t know that. Suppose you were to go to the baker’s shop and buy. a half quartern loaf and lay down 4d, would you say you had amply rewarded the baker ?” “ Yes, sir. Inspector : “ Why ?” “ Because it’s2|d.” Collapse of inspector. The boy of the family, the smart little son of an editor, had just passed hislninth birthday, and delighted in stirring things up whenever he found a chance. On his way to school one day he popped into a hardware shop and called out: “ Say, mister, do you keep knives?” “Oh, yes!” replied the storekeeper, “ we’ve kept them for years.” “Well,” returned the boy, starting for the door, “just advertise, and then yon wont keep them so long.”